Love you (with) a little bit less
Oh fine, I’ve had one of those afternoons when a few events have made me think about myself, and my future, and all that sort of stuff. So if transgender, and health issues arent your thing, you might want to pass on tonight. Well, except maybe for the cool video at the end, but anyway…
Today was that important, 4 weekly event that I have to do nowadays. No, not my period, lol, because though I did used to have them (the womb, even if undeveloped, I guess?), they have passed into history now, as is the case for all women of my age. No, that other one, collecting my medical prescription of painkillers, to help me keep going for another 4 weeks or so. Yes, Cocodomol, and Naproxen are my friends nowadays, though Robo-Domol, and Nanite-proxen might be more fun for me. 😉 Oh, if only they existed!
OK, the first amusing bit, I generally wear a back brace nowadays, which I would best describe as a waist level (very under bust), zip up corset type thing, with fastenings every couple of inches or so, depending on how much support you want, and stuff. I’ve worked out by now that using it on the 4″ reduction setting (I suspect about an inch less on waist reduction for me) is fine for support, just about, but is just loose enough to permit reasonable movement, when it comes to things like walking, and the like. Therefore, generally when out, or at work, where I might have to move around a lot, I tend to use that setting. When at home, and doing less movement, less twisting, I tend to use the 6″ setting, which is fine, except that any show of flexibility goes out the window! I can walk a bit in it, though bus rides on that setting can be interesting, as you literally feel every bump, because there just is no give.
Anyway, today, I went for the higher setting this morning (bit sore, not working), which was fine, until I went out to collect my pills. Now, the distance there is about the same as to, or from work, from the Bus Station, and I can do that, just about, so…? Thing is, I dont do both journeys at once, which is pretty much what I did today. So anyway, after about a mile or so, I was getting sore, but then I realized, but couldnt do much about it, at that time! I got home, but was glad it was ‘pill time’ when I got here!
It was then that I accepted just how fragile my body is now. And it led me to wondering how much longer I will be able to drag this body to work, even a few days a week. Yes, I have looked, and worked it out, and no, I cant afford to cut back to 3 days a week! 😦 So, as I was having a ‘I hate my body’ moment, it set me thinking that it is actually about 8 years (Again, I had to wait for a holiday to do the name change thing) that I started transitioning, that I again turned thoughts as to ‘which body’ I want to leave this world in. No, I cant seriously see me doing the sex reassignment surgery while working, I’m the type who would feel way too guilty about all the time I’d have to take off work while recovering, to do that. But fine, equally, I did start seriously thinking that maybe when I finally give up on work (and judging by deterioration, I would say 2-3 years at best), that then I’d have no excuse not to get it done on that front at least. Yes, there is still the pain involved, but fine, I’m getting used to living with pain, so whats a little bit more, in that case?
I know, it would be better to have no ‘little bump’ for wearing things like latex catsuits, and the like, but the chance of actually ever wearing that now, unless offered a role that required it, shrinks by the week! But at the same time, I could then consider those snug legging things, that would be good for me during winter, or even, heaven forbid, tight, sexy dresses, if I didnt have that issue! I know, its not going to happen overnight, whatever I do, but one of the conditions is time lived as a woman, and I have 8 years already! I believe the period required to live as a woman is 2! Not that I plan immediately on losing my virginity again, even if I do get it done, but who knows? I’d certainly feel better about dating, with the right bits, I’m sure? Again, not saying I will, but…?
There is also one monetary advantage now, I dont have to pay for prescriptions, so all those lovely hormones I’d need to ingest, lol… Hazard, I might hate myself if I dont grow decent sized breasts, as I’ve got used to having them, but I guess natural would be better, but explaining it away might be fun!
So yeah, I’ve got a visit to the surgery due soon (2 in fact, pill check, and 5 yearly health check), and now I’m wondering whether to say the magic words, that I want to start with the hormonal changes. I still dont see the surgery happening while working (I know, me and guilt), but after that, fine, I’m weakening. Funny thing is, the bits are the only things that would need changing, I’m a woman on all paperwork already! Fine, if any wealthy benefactor wants to force me to speed up the process by paying for it to be done privately, then feel free to discuss! Arm twisting practical, mind control would appeal more, if possible! 😛
So yeah, I’ve had a pondering day, which explains why this is so long today. Hope it hasnt been too much?
Right, video time. A song I dearly loved from the 70’s. And yeah, the guy with the eyepatch could easily have seduced me then, if I’d been an 18 year old girl, just saying…
To be someone who could really be loved?
Or more strictly, the title should probably just be called ‘Reality TV Roadcrash’, because from what I saw in the trailer item yesterday morning, and the non bigoted tweets about the show on Twitter last night, thats pretty much what it was.
Monday mornings, even on Bank Holidays, the TV options tend to be less than exciting generally, this one was no exception. So I ended up switching on the Breakfast TV show on BBC, mainly to catch up on the news, and the weather, and whatever other rubbish they cover in between.
Because it was a Bank Holiday, I turned on towards the end of the show, rather than the beginning, as I would normally on a working day, and towards the end is when they tend to go with the ‘less serious’ stuff, as they’re getting ready to hand over to the next show. Which was a consumer affair related show, that the facts were just so wrong that, well, I had a good laugh at that too.
What they were talking about yesterday was some reality TV show on a rival channel last night, and seemingly again tonight, called Genderquake. Given it seemed to want to include just about every ‘non binary’ (ghastly term) group of people, it seems the people were young, loud, and the type of people that a boring old ‘lady’ like me would avoid like the plague. Dont get me wrong, I am fine with whatever term people wish to use to describe themselves, I just dislike the way some over react when people get it wrong accidentally, not accepting that the difference between a non binary person, and an intersex person may not be entirely obvious to everyone! In fact, strictly, due to having an undeveloped womb, I’m probably more strictly intersex, than trans, but for the sake of convenience… I’m Trans!
Now to be fair, I took the choice not to watch the show last night, nor do I plan to watch it tonight. Last night, fine the snooker final was on, but I would have probably avoided it regardless. But anyway, seeing the show was ‘trending’ on Twitter, I thought I’d dip in after the event, and see what it said. Lets ignore the bigoted, and anti-LGBT rants going on there (especially anti-trans) , because there are people who are always going to be like that, lets face it. Hopefully in a few decades time, maybe not, but for now…?
To be fair, the actual show comments were hardly flattering about the people involved. It seems there was people outing people who didnt want to be outed, there were others saying horrible things, because not everybody in the world had declared undying love for them, and lots of stuff like that. Of course, we boring, just get on with life type Trans folk dont make good TV for the companies producing junk like this, do we? Lets face it, a 60 year old, just going about her normal daily duties in life isnt the controversial image these people love to create! Ah well… The only sad thing is, too many people think all Trans, and Non Binary (heaven knows how many of these titles there are now?) act this way, when the majority of us dont!
Fine, rant over!
Video time. There was only one song that immediately came to mind that focuses on more than just Trans folk, and this is it. I know, could have used the video, its over 2 years since I did, but then I found this live version…
The next time I fly away…
It will officially be as a woman! Yes, I now have my new passport, at long last, new name, new gender, such a wonderful moment.
Fine, I guessed it was on its way, when the confirming paperwork, and old passport arrived back yesterday, by post, but this afternoon, the new passport actually arrived here, finally, its all sorted! Yes, all my paperwork now says I’m a woman, wow!
Yes, its been a long journey, about 15 years in all, but now, unless I take that last step, and get my ‘bits’ altered, thats the end of the transgender road for me. No, I think that unless someone special comes into my life, and wants me to change them, that at my age, its not likely to happen. Lets face it, my general health is not exactly great, so why undergo major surgery, that will now change nothing non sexual, why bother? I mean, its not like I bother with sex stuff anyway!
I wonder, if you’d told me 15 years or so ago, when I discovered this, that one day, this would happen, well I might have laughed at you, but now…I’m just so thrilled.
And no, I’m not planning on any more name changes either, unless I get married, something I’m pretty certain wont happen. Now, even if I do, I might take the daring step of not changing my name again, I love it far too much for that!
Alright, fine, now there’s one thing I want to do, but cant afford. Yes, thats right, I want to take a flight somewhere, as a woman! Hey, I’d even fly domestically, in truth, though further afield would be wonderful. But I just want to check in, with a passport that says I’m a woman, now. Actually, to fly to the US, which I would love, I actually now need to get a new ESTA, in my new name, and gender, and I think thats 72 hours warning, so…fine, I’ll fly closer to home, for now! Yes, in truth, its US immigration I want to pass through as a woman (not that I’ve ever had any issues with them) that will be so special. I love the country, and to enter, as a genuine woman, heaven!
But if anyone reading this, or knows someone with either with money to spare, or a wealthy benefactor, that wants to make this old ladies day, then yes, please do!
But yes, today is a very special day for me, that last piece of paperwork, that didnt say female, is no more!
Right, the video. Guess what, there’s a clue in the blog title. I know, so shocking lol!
A beautiful day
Fine, the video isnt quite strictly true, it would need to be called Beautiful Friday for that to be the case, but anyway… And yes, this is why the gap between blogs has been longer than normal, and may happen again, after this.
Yes, you know that job where I said that the wages were too good to be true? Well, I dutifully dealt with my phone call on Thursday afternoon, and did a test that they wanted me to do, and then, on Friday morning, got an email saying that I’ve got the job. Fine, I still cant understand why the wages are so good, but anyway? Starts next Monday, over in Halifax, and fingers crossed it all works out. Even more so, as I’ve had to pay out for a Fraud Security Check, with money I really cant spare, but I’m told I’ll get that back, so all well and good.
So fine, I ducked the logistical challenge of getting to that place in Bradford yesterday, under the circumstances, just hope it doesnt come back to bite me. I have actually (at present) still got a few I could do this week, including a Skype interview (absolute first!) tomorrow for the Greek job, but fine, if this one is for real, I’m taking it!
OK, lets move on to the next old chestnut, the passport issue. Sorted! Though yes, it took one more phone call, but… I got another letter on Friday, asking me to send in the letter from the Doctor, confirming that I was living in my new gender, and that they needed my old passport. Thing is, they had both already! Fine, a new member of staff hadnt spotted these things, but quickly sorted, and authorisation confirmed, I will finally get it the middle of this week! So then, everything will say I’m female, so…peace of mind! Snag is, now I just want to go somewhere, as a woman, but I guess it will have to wait a while?
Lastly, we’ve had a bit of a rearrangement of rooms here, at home, and for want of a better term, I now have a one room apartment, with separate kitchen, and bathroom facilities. Snag is, I had way too much stuff, much of which I havent used in years, some of which I’m never likely to wear, so moving it all was a challenge. It has all arrived, though having lost temporarily a lot of storage space, I’m fighting to get everything sorted. I’m going to have to get another chest of drawers, to fit everything in, and possibly a second wardrobe too, as I was using coat hangars on the door, and hooks for stuff, which I havent got in here. But I will get it all sorted, though my current aim is no more than to have it done before I start work!
Lastly, a couple of Facebook moments. Firstly, last night, I got a message from someone who I dont know, and will probably never speak to again, saying how much she admired me, for what I’m doing. Just one of those special moments that so make my day. Secondly, someone I do know as a Facebook friend, sent me a message at New Year, saying that he wanted to do a vintage shoot with me, if I was keen. Anyway, Friday, he followed up with sending it again, along with a mass liking of my vintage look pictures, and this time, Facebook let me know about it, if not in the perfect way.
So as it stands, 3 weeks time, its going to happen. Not yet sure if it will be here, or in Hull as yet. He’s happy to come here, but I havent travelled that rail line beyond Leeds, in years, so its an open option at present. So yes, all in all, its been quite a good weekend, and all for the right reasons, a rare event of late.
The video, well, its Sunday I’m writing this, so…
Mind, if anyone comes here because of the tag, expecting someone else…lol
Have you ever just sat and thought?
Of how good, or bad your life might have been? I could have used the line from this meme, as I suspect I havent got any young readers, and it will be in the image anyway, but…Yes, I’ve had some frustrations in my life, to put it mildly, or to put it more succinctly in image form
Initially, when I saw this, I was only really thinking of the last fortnight or so, but in all truth, it pretty much sums up my life as a whole, doesnt it? How I’ve lasted this long, I have no idea, and even more so of late I’ve felt that way about things.
And issues dont seem to be sorting out easily either. Not only have I not heard from my ‘last workplace’ yet, about when, and how much I’m getting paid, which doesnt surprise me, I sort of caught on yesterday (my first real chance to breathe in a while) that I havent had the letter I’m due from the Doctor, re getting my correct gender on my new passport, so I guess I’m going to have to chase him up again, oh joy!
I did amuse myself today by contemplating getting a Lottery ticket for tomorrow night (the rollover is up to £22.5 million), but seriously, with my luck at present, I’m more likely to get no numbers, than get 6! But the temptation to waste £2, and get one, well, I might just do it! Would certainly enable me to consider a move to Hollywood if I won that lol, and not have to worry about working either! Hey, 4 numbers would help at present, let alone 6! Might still go ahead, and waste £2 anyway, just to get out for a while, if nothing else.
Mind, remarkably, I’ve got an interview on Thursday. No, its not my dream job (just at present I’m not sure what is, apart from mad scientist’s guinea pig!), but it sounds more interesting than the last one, and hopefully they will give me the equipment to do the job, at least. But nowadays, I think I’ll wait and see…
I know, cynical bitch, but can you really blame me at present?
The video, a lesser known Howard Jones track, that possibly sums up my thoughts about life at present!
If I was a Carpenter, I could build Harlean’s house!
Alright, I’ll attempt to write a fairly short blog (I know!) just to let you know the news, I have finally got around to requesting the deed poll certificate in my new name. Yes, it had to wait until I got back from the US to get it done, as I didnt want any fun flying to LA, and back, but now its done. Seemingly, if I’d kept it to myself (and close friends), I could have done it beforehand, as its only when you officially present the paperwork to the authorities that it becomes formal, but anyway…all sorted now, and done.
And yes, the clue to the chosen first name is in the blog title, eventually I settled on the one that I really wanted in the first place, despite my concerns about the name match, to some degree. But in the end, I knew I had to do it, so…
Last night, I ordered the deed poll certificate in my new name, Miss Harlean Stephanie Carpenter. I’m guessing most who know me will carry on calling me Steph, or Stephanie, and lets face it, I might take a little while to get used to anyone actually calling me Harlean anyway lol! But I’ll enjoy it when they do! Now, if anyone can transform me to look like the original Harlean (Harlow) Carpenter, I’d appreciate it!
I did it now, on the grounds I’m either going to be in a job in the next couple of weeks, and not needing a passport for ID anywhere, or I’m going to be doing my clinical research trial, and not needing a passport for a while, for ID purposes at job interviews! Once I get the certificates, I’ll need to go to the doctor’s surgery, and get my name changed, at which point I’ll request the letter from him, confirming I’ve lived as a woman for 5 years, have no plans to do otherwise in the future, and then apply for the passport, as a woman! Yes, the last element of maleness will be gone! 🙂
I might still get the Gender Recognition Certificate at some point, though given the passport is the last thing that shows me as male, its a moot point. I really couldnt justify the cost at present (£140), though maybe when I (finally) get a job, or the money from the research trial, I might just get it done anyway, as a true last step to being a woman.
Anyone wanting to like this news, or congratulate me, would be nice.
Fine, lastly, the video. Yes, the clue is in the title, focus on the first part. Fine, I cant see anyone offering to marry me, and I’m definitely not having any babies, but otherwise…
You can call me Al, or Alison, or…
This morning I got to read about this bureaucratic nightmare gone crazy.
Mum of five finds out her 23-year marriage is gay and illegal
I mean, this woman has only given birth to 5 children, but because her birth certificate records her as male, all chaos has broken out. And reading this article only goes to prove what an incompetent bunch of idiots our Civil Service here in the UK are! Mind, not that I will be giving the Australian equivalent any brownie points either, all things considered. You would think that anyone with a modicum of intelligence could see that she was a woman, that her birth certificate was wrong, and just get things sorted out smoothly. Oh hell, no!
OK, fine, she’s never going to pass as a super model, but even without that, unless there has suddenly been a method developed to allow transgender folk to have babies (and lets face it, most men dont have a womb, though ironically, I do), that is one challenge beyond us, let alone 5 times over! I mean, I wouldnt want to be a mother, but…
No, I havent checked mine, in the vague hope that I might have been registered as female, I could never be that lucky in my life! I think this counts as gender confusion in a whole new way!
I hope that very soon, Mrs Kim Walmsley can be officially registered as a female, and her long standing marriage can become legal again. You would think that at present, the last thing this government needed was publicity like this! But in all honesty, shouldnt this have been sorted out, in this computer age, by the simple changing of a form or two, and a suitable apology.
But no, red tape has to yet again get in the way of sanity.
Yes, the video actually mentions the name Betty, but I thought the title worked better this way. One of the all time greats
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