For any ‘snowflakes’ or similarly delicate people reading this, you might want to move on quickly, internal bits issues. All others duly warned, tale of the day.
So yes, I finally was here, the big day when I was going to get a clue about my fate in life. The ‘entertainment’ started early, as I was trying to convince my body to provide the required urine sample. My mixed up plumbing decided it didnt want to play ball, and in trying to push it out, I set off my occasional bowels issue ((blockage), and I just locked up completely for about 50 painful minutes, with nothing coming out either end, though both ends needed to, and I could feel it. Eventually I won on one front, then the sample bottle got filled rapidly an hour or so later, so…
One first today, the use of a blue disabled badge for me, in a parking space. Fine, it was Eric’s, but in truth, but for him having one, I’d probably need one now. Got weighed, 83 kg/ 183 lbs which is a bit higher than it was, but lets face it, I can hardly do much exercise in last 3 months, I’ve hardly got any mobility, but anyway… This does strictly make me slightly overweight by a few pounds, but nothing dramatic (just checked).
Then on to the doctor, and a discussion of things. Thankfully Ella was with me, as I literally remember nothing about any of my seizures, and she at least saw the last one, so was able to give details. The doctor then wanted to test my balance, by walking one foot literally in front of the other, but my balance is wrecked by my damaged knees, so it didnt get far!
The end results. my medication level has been doubled (or will be after transition week), but I was on lowest level up to now, so hopefully not a big thing. I’m also being booked in for an EEG test (to see if they can locate the issue), and then an MRI test (to see if I’ve got a brain. No, seriously, to see if its any more than epilepsy), which should happen over the next 4 weeks or so. Seems it might be related to a fall out of a loft 32 years ago, though not definitely, but it could kick in now, wow! No decision on freedom to fly until after MRI, which makes sense, but will be fine if just epilepsy, which lets hope it is, as crazy as that sounds!
I asked about work, he didnt seem as hot on the ‘never work again’ thing as some, but equally, he was talking about a year or so of recovery, and I am 61, and would then be 62, and would retire at 66, so… Besides which, my voice breaks down under stress, so could hardly do my current job, so I think it almost certainly is it, but again, lets see what the brain scan says. Famous last words… But seriously, given it all, and my lack of mobility, I think retirement on medical grounds is a certainty. In theory, I could do a non phone job, but it takes me a lot longer to do anything, so…nope!
I stated I was Intersex, but didnt ask questions about compatibility between the epilepsy pills, and female hormones. I’ll leave that for my own doctor, lol. But yes, if retired, and allowed, it is a pledge I made, lol.
That, pretty much was it. Collect my new prescription, collected some cash to get my hair done (coloured and cut) on way home. Yes, would love it done this way, but I suspect I will have to settle for modern methods
So no, seemingly I dont get the full robot bodysuit just yet, lol. But yes, I’m looking forward to the EEG, and MRI ‘messing around’ with my mind, all the same. 😉 Yeah, I wish! Mind, if anyone wants to provide me with one, fully interfacing or otherwise…?
Right, video time. What someone might be doing, when it comes to my brain, shortly?
Yes, the blog title is rather apt, as its all about mine! Its hard to believe now that just over 13 weeks ago (as clearly the Tuesday incident was first seizure, in hindsight), laugh for me was relatively normal for me, other than a busted back. The irony of that, and the more calamitous ones on the Friday was that I’ve had less literal pain from my back since then, but my mobility has gone to pieces, so I’m assuming that some connection between my brain, and my spine has got disrupted in some way? All the same, despite knowing it was going to be a while before I got to see an expert, due to the speed of things with the NHS, it was still a bit of a blow when I found out it wasnt going to happen to mid June, but yes, we’re almost there.
As, in fact I found out yesterday afternoon, when I was sat quietly on the settee, when the phone rang, which Eric answered. He did something with the dial (yes, its one of those retro phones, compatible with digital system to dial out, and stuff), and then handed me the speaker. It was some automated call from the appointment centre at the hospital, presumably to confirm my appointment a week later. Thing is, despite it doing the equivalent of dialling a 1, to say I was hear, it didnt pick up. Anyway, when it repeated the question to me, I did the same thing, with the same lack of effect. So the call cut off, presumably the equivalent of a ‘no answer’ or something.
I checked the number we were called from, but all I got was an automated voice saying that someone would call me within 24 hours as a repeat. Anyway, just over 24 hours later, no one had, so I tried the number on the appointment letter I got from the hospital, nearly 3 months ago! But it seems to talk to them, I needed a number that wasnt printed on my letter! So anyway, I got frustrated, tried to explain to him, and my voice disintegrated totally. Eventually he gave me a number for the actual hospital, but I couldnt have called them, my voice was blown by then. Yes, another reason I cant go back to work, clearly, one stressful call and my voice would be blown for hours! Not much good in a call centre!
As for next week, I cant deny I’m looking forward to the EEG, MRI and anything else they might throw at me that way for all the wrong reasons! Oh yes, weird things done to my brain, especially involving electrodes and chambers, cant wait! Yes, dont be surprised if I report that I imagined being brainwashed when the electrode cap was on me, and activated, for sure. As for what I might imagine being done to me, in a MRI tube, lets not consider! Sadly, the former is unlikely to brainwash me, and the latter turn me into a mindlessly obedient robot, but nothing’s perfect. Yes, I would love those, lets face it.
I try to wonder what they might find when they do the tests. Are they just going to decide its epilepsy (though the pills certainly didnt stop the later bout of seizures), or will it prove to be something more serious? Who knows, though there isnt a lot I can do, whatever it is. But I have to be honest, setting the steps to find out will be an absolute blessing, and might stop me worrying just how bad it is. The other blessing being, that once I know, I can work out when, or if I can do a few things I really need to sort out. Photo shoot, holiday planning, offering myself for mad scientist research? (I wish!)
I was tempted to ask a Psychic friend if she could tell me what my fate is, but firstly, I cant afford to call her (she’s in US), and secondly, is there a bit of me that really doesnt want to know? Mainly the former, I’m sure.
So no, I wont be there at the first day of Royal Ascot, dressed up in some posh hat and dress (wouldnt that be fun?), I’ll be at a hospital, in Huddersfield, awaiting my fate. Funny what a brain can do to you, lol.
Talking of which, the video. This song is slightly younger than me, but not much, its from 1965! Its why the film, and the song dont match, its a combined mix, thats all. Love, no idea what that is, but I now know how ‘funny’ brains can be!
No, hopefully not me going, literally, but yesterday, I took note that the countdown to my neurologist appointment (at long last) was down to 3 weeks to go. In a sense, I’m slightly nervous about what they might find, especially since the recent repeat bout of seizures, but at the same time, I’ll be so glad to know what it is, or at least, hopefully find out what the problem is. I’ll be honest, if its something that means my time is nearly up, then so be it, though that might leave me with one interesting decision to make, but more on that shortly. Of course, it might be that whatever it is, with the meds I’m already on, and maybe something else can keep it all under control, then great. But I must admit, the wait to find out has been pretty agonising, for sure.
I must admit, I knew what the NHS was like, and that means I’m not totally surprised that its taken 3 months from the initial seizures, to get them even looked into, let alone any action taken. Its supposedly free, but in truth, we pay for it with deductions from our wages, but at least we dont have to pay crazy sums to get things to happen, on top of that. Yes, USA, I’m looking at you again. Again, today, I’ve had a friend over there surprised at how long this is all taking for even the first step, and I had to smile. As I pointed out to him, if I had the money to pay for the neurologist, the MRI, the EEG, and heaven knows what else private patients might get thrown at them here, or that you, or your insurance company gets billed for, this would have been looked into, soon after the initial seizures. But it isnt, so…what will be, will be, and no, that isnt the video! I suppose that unless its something that is ‘bad’ by the time it get looks at, that wouldnt have been ‘bad’ in March, does it matter? Well, beyond my worry about it all, probably not.
But yes, lets face it, absolutely, I’m thoroughly looking forward to having my brain wired up to an EEG, and granted, the MRI will be an interesting experience, thats for sure. Fine, its not going to actually do anything interesting to my brain, but a girl can dream. Going to be fun getting my earrings out for the MRI, as they have been in for years, so removing them might be a challenge.
Given the number of medical people who have told me I wont be working again, I’m assuming something is faulty enough to make that a foregone conclusion, when checked over. I dont know if the fact if I’m only 5 years from retirement anyway plays a part in that, in that its not working the challenge, or whether it would be the same if it had happened at 31, and I doubt they will answer that! But yes, hopefully 3 weeks from now it will all be confirmed, and I can stop worrying about it. In truth, yes, the brain is ‘busted’, its not going to work normally again, of that I’m sure. Even on a good day, I cant talk well for long, and on a bad day, dont ask! Besides that, my mobility is now rubbish, about 1000 yards/metres on a good day is about it, and on a bad day, nearly 100, if I’m lucky! So walking for buses/to work, and doing strings of phone calls, no chance!
The other interesting thing over all this, is a pledge I made a while back, which I assumed I wouldnt be thinking about for at least another 5 years, but seemingly… I stated that once I retired, all things permitting, I’d complete transition, most notably getting my bits bobbed, girl style! Yes, I’ve already been reminded about this, lol. In truth, I have no idea that the hormones and other stuff I would need to do (including the surgery) will be compatible with what I will need to take for the brain, but yes, I plan to find out, once confirmed. Yes, I really will! As I said to someone today, it will be nice not to have to worry about what I wear after surgery, in the sense of concealing bits, and being able to flash boobage, because it will all be natural. No, I dont think latex will be in my wardrobe (sadly), but more clinging, and revealing dresses, just maybe…? 😉
But yes, whatever the news, whatever the decision, I’ll just be glad when I have it all checked out, and confirmed. Less than 3 weeks now, I hope!
OK, video time. Feeling wicked, as per the first half of the blog title. Yes, I know the quality isnt great, but its so rare to find Manfred Mann actually singing live, I thought, what the hell, and went with it. Its not hard to find a non live version on You Tube, if preferred.
One thing I’ve always tried to do, at any election, is vote. I just feel that regardless of who you support (or in the case of UK, plan to support tomorrow), if you dont vote, you have no right to complain about the outcome of the vote. I actually missed one earlier this month, the local council election, because I can barely walk (and thats being optimistic) more than a few hundred yards now, due to the fact that the brain, and mobility rarely both function well at the same time, due to the seizure stuff. Quite often one works, and the other doesnt, and I get the odd day where neither are in a going mood, and the very rare day when both work.
So, given that around here, only one party was ever going to win the vote (they did, comfortably), and the pain it would be to arrange someone to transport me to a voting station about 600 yards away, park to allow me to vote, and then collect me again, I didnt bother, no great issue.
Thing is, tomorrow is the vote that should have never happened, the EU Election, but it is. No, I’m not going to say which side I’m on, or who I’m planning to vote for, neutrality, and all that. But because this is a regional, proportional vote thing, my vote is a bit more important. So… Before anyone says anything, it was a bit late to arrange a postal vote after the seizures, and besides which, my brain really isnt up to challenges like that. If I get a negative result from the neurologist next month, as expected, then I probably will for the future, but this is sooner than that, so…
In the fairly unlikely event that my mobility is good tomorrow, I intend to walk up to the voting building, and cast my vote that way. Mind, if thats the case, the chance of my brain being up to the complex voting thing, we will see, lol? So what’s Plan B, you ask? Well, Eric has one of those mobility vehicles, and I’m going to give that a try, if needed. No, obviously I’ve never used one before, but he tells me its not that difficult to drive (famous last words), and as its not far…?
In truth, if they’re going away in the autumn for a few weeks, and I’m still here, I’m going to need some way of getting around, if I need to, and something like that is the best option locally, other than taxis, which is a bit expensive! The last time I drove anything? Well, I was in my 20’s, and now I’m 61, so… I’d stay off the streets around here tomorrow, lol, as I dont know yet when I’m going out. Funny thing is, I’m out again Friday, to the surgery for blood tests, and to collect prescriptions, but wisely planning to do that by taxi, as a fair bit further, and I suspect I’ll need more practice before doing that distance! But weather permitting, I will get there to vote, thats for sure.
Right, video time. When you grow up on Glam Rock, and know this is 46 years old, you know you’re old, lets face it. Oh, but I’m a ‘Sweet’ old lady, lol. Or maybe I’m a…?
Strictly, as of 4.00 yesterday afternoon, until a week on Wednesday, I’m not on medical leave, I’m on holiday. Ironically, as with March, it would have been my Saturday (every 5th week) to work this week. Of course, as history has dictated, I havent worked since that fateful day in March, and of course, accordingly to several medical sources, it seems that March 9, 2019 will go down as the last day of my working career. So why, you ask, does this week count as holiday, technically at least?
Well back at the end of last Summer, we are asked to pick our 2 preferred weeks of holiday, and this week, starting tomorrow was the start of the first of mine. I hadnt ever got to making any serious plans for this, in truth. So where would I be, if fate hadnt stepped in, who knows? Its actually possible I’d be where I am now, sat at home, as the US trip this year was always going to be September. I might also have been in Belfast, as Ireland are playing 2 cricket matches there in these few days (first was today), but had not made any definite plans by March on that.
I know where I would love to have started my holiday week, a day early, and that was Pine Bush, New York. Yes, yesterday was UFO day there, and yes, Stacie was there (its not far from here), and yes, I’m jealous. I will state now that if I’m allowed to still do International Travel after having been by the neurologist, its on my target list for next year, believe me. And yes, if I do, I’m definitely doing the full Alien look, and if I can find a flying saucer/space craft to travel there by, yes, I’m doing it, ideally in said Alien outfit. Or new Alien body, who knows? 😉
Why did I pick this week, you may be asking? Well, a week tomorrow is a Bank Holiday, so I would have got an extended holiday, thats why! But now, does this even count as a holiday any more? Technically yes, but strictly, well?
Video time. This is most definitely not live, however much they might want it to look like it is. Apart from anything else, the male ‘singer’ didnt even sing on the record. Oh, and the lead singer’s outfit, yes, I’d love it, if anyone is offering?
And no, Stacie, dear, in this case, I’m not talking the one in New York State, but the one in California.
Firstly, before we get to the serious news of the day, let me confirm a few things. No, I didnt post over the weekend as normal, unfortunately I had a good reason. Saturday afternoon saw at least a couple more seizures (cant confirm exact number), and me rushed off to hospital in an ambulance, with the blue siren wailing merrily. No, I dont remember any of it. Anyway, finally, after about 7 hours they decided they’d done enough for me to live, and parked me off to a hospital ward for the rest of the night. I finally woke up, about 26 hours after the big event, not remembering a thing, and later that day, with an extra set of pills (low calcium levels) I was sent home again. So I live again, though not sure how many more times I can pull that off? But now, to the serious, sad news.
When I was a very small child, 78 rpm records were either in their last days, or they had passed their last days, and thats why my parents got a few for me. Yes, back in those days, record players had 4 speeds, 16, 33, 45, and 78. The middle 2 lasted a while, the other two were on their last legs, or past them by then. One of those first 78’s in my collection, was True Love, by Bing Crosby and Grace Kelly, the other, Que Sera Sera, by Doris Day. So yes, guess which this relates to?
And one of those acting roles that got me interested in the whole acting life? Yeah, Calamity Jane! Even then I wanted to be a girl, even if she was a pretty butch one for most of the movie. Never did play ‘Calamity’ (probably because my singing voice wasnt great), and I guess I wont now. Neither sadly, any more, will Doris Day, who passed away earlier today at the grand old age of 97.
I’ve seen any number of her movies over the years, some great, some (especially one) that you wouldnt want to see again. Her albums, yeah, might have bought a few when you did that sort of thing. But one thing I’d always aimed to do, when I knew she lived at Carmel, not a million miles from San Francisco, and stuff, was to visit there, and see if I could see her, however unlikely that was. But now that chance is gone!
I did include Carmel in a story once, deliberately, I believe it was CJ (the modern day equal to Clara Johnson) worked there on a movie, but thats as close as it got in her lifetime. Maybe one day I’ll still get there, though now it will be too late to see Doris, unless she’s laid to rest somewhere public there, in which case…? Or maybe its one of those places that will remain on my ‘I wanted to visit, but…’ places?
RIP Doris Day, and thanks for some wonderful memories. At least you, your son, and Rock are all together once again
Video artist? Take one guess! Of course it is, double D! My favourite song from Calamity Jane, even if its not the ‘big number’ from the movie. Helps that it also has Howard Keel, just saying…
A piece of amusing fluff that my brain can probably cope with today that I want to get out of my system, even if I know I’m not going to get any positive replies. Please note, this is only based on the 99.99% assumption that I’m not going to be fit for work ever again, or at least in the foreseeable future. Should my neurologist have the skills of Rotwang, and either replace my brain with the most complex AI system, or even better, do a Maria on me, and turn me into a robot, then this wont be needed, and I’d be a happy bunny. Again, given this is less likely than the other 0.01% chance, lets go with the flow (and silliness).
In September/October, the other 2 here are planning on heading down to Portugal on a leisurely basis, away for 3-4 weeks. Now if my body, and more importantly my brain were functioning normally, all would be fine. Cats might complain about erratic feeding times, but they’d survive. Thing is, my brain most definitely isnt functioning normally, is it? So yes, I’m going to need a minder of some kind, arent I? Even if the meds do seem to have my problems currently under control (if not my mind under control, sadly), I do need to be checked regularly, just in case. Unless…?
Oh fine, lets face it, I’m not your perfect companion/courtesan type, am I? I’m not a pretty, sexy little 20 something female, happy to pay her way in company, and err, other things (sex stuff, for those who really are innocent), am I? I’m a less than stunning, 60 something, with a few health issues that need keeping an eye on, and thats before you even get to the bit about being pre op Transgender, with no interest in sex! Equally, I’m less demanding than said sex kittens. As long as I have something basic to eat (clean minds, please), have internet connection, availability to televised baseball/NFL maybe, a comfy bed, and someone to make sure I dont have a seizure or something, I wont demand the world. Thats not to say that if someone offered the world (or any decent life standard in between), that I wouldnt say no, but…
And yes, I dont need an apartment//beach house (yes Marion Davies, looking at you) permanently, I just need somewhere comfortable to live for shall we say, 4 weeks? Mind, if you want to set me up as your modern day ‘Marion Davies’, well…?
But seriously, if any generous person wants to simply ‘mind’ me, for a few weeks, somewhere decently warm (or warmer), no commitment, for little financial reward, then fine, thats all I really need. I’m not very mobile, to put it politely, but I’m definitely not an acting diva, either, darlings. But if you want a companion for events/meals, well…
Talking of which, if all this supposed time travel stuff is true, and someone in the 1920’s reads this, and fancies a less than frisky flapper for a few weeks, looking the part, send me a telegram, or something. Or email (firstname.lastname@example.org), if really a time traveller, lol. (modern people can also use said email address too)
Alright, my dream result of this request? A wealthy person from California, or Florida, seeking a companion for a few weeks, probably live in, or regularly visited, where I could play the part of the ‘lady of the house’ for a few weeks would be heaven, but that doesnt happen in real life, does it?
Equally, if anyone needs a guinea pig for robot, or AI experiments, well…? 😉 Lets face it, I could really do with a new brain, or ideally, body! Now that really would be fun!
OK, wishful thinking over, which leads to video time. Being bisexual, I couldnt go strictly with the song title, but this would be heaven. One of those delicious movies with a 20’s feel! Oh, I love Twiggy’s outfit!
Firstly, for those of my readers who celebrate it, happy Easter. For those of you who dont celebrate it, enjoy the holiday period in whichever way you wish to do so.
Its actually quite funny that over my working years, a lot of the time, bank holiday weekends meant little different to me, as for all those years in the betting industry, they were just another working weekend. Of course, in the good old days in the last century (that really makes me sound old, doesnt it?), there actually was no horse racing on Good Friday, and betting shops were closed on this day. Now, thanks to the god of consumerism, we race pretty much every day of the year, (there were also 3 days at Christmas, now just Christmas Day) and betting shops are open every day bar one, and I suspect the bookies begrudge their staff that, knowing them.
The last couple have been a bit weird, as I’ve had Friday off, Monday off, but worked the Saturday in between. At least I think I did, as it would be logical, but the brain is no longer up to working out if it actually happened or not? But this year, I’m (in theory) still working, and the long bank holiday weekend means nothing to me (I was tempted to use Vienna, by Ultravox, but no) because the body, and most critically, the brain is no longer up to complex things like work at present. If I believe the medical advice given so far, thats a case of game over, anyway. But the funny thing is, this would actually have been a long weekend for me, as it wouldnt have been my Saturday to work, so would have been a week off. Whereas now…?
The other thing I’ve decided needed to change, is me. When I had to cut back to 4 days a week at work (let alone 3), I had to economise somewhere, especially given I was paying out for therapy treatments. So basically, goodbye to pampering for me. Which means that my nails are a mess (arthritis and tremor make that impossible to do myself), and even if I’m not a hairy woman (I’m wondering if the drugs I got after seizure caused some to drop out or not? Probably not, as still got hair in places), I’m definitely in need of waxing by now. Even more so, if as planned by a wonderful friend, I’m going to do the Clara Johnson look thing (if not in public eye), I need to look decent! So yes, on Tuesday afternoon, the old girl is getting a bit of a makeover. Sadly not a 20 year old, slim, pretty dancer look, but as best as can be achieved, within sane cost. So yes, no massage, no facial unless someone wishes to provide the funds? If you should, then, https://ko-fi.com/merrybrooks is probably the easiest way.
After that, what changes, who knows? I wont hold my breath for the fully interfacing robot suit (ideally now with AI function, to override my busted brain), but it would be nice!
The funny thing is, before I even get to see a Neurologist (unless I get a very large fund donation), there are 2 more bank holidays to get through as a non working worker! Somehow I suspect I may have had my last excitement at looking forward to a bank holiday meaning extra time off work, but who knows?
OK, video time. Some vintage Paul Young for you
In truth, I love this song, which is why I’m offering the additional bonus tonight of the 12″ version. Obviously there is no video to this, so your call on either, both, or none. But you’re missing out if you go with none!
Its been a funny sort of week, in truth, in more ways than one.
Earlier this week, the orange, bewigged Russian one threw enough of a temper tantrum that he got his way on one issue that has annoyed him. Seems the rule to stop Transgender people from serving in the American Military forces has been finally passed after numerous efforts. Even more amusing of course, in the week it was announced that one of the General’s who helped to fight for the independence of his country (assuming it isnt Russia?) was either a woman, or even more horrible for him, intersex.
The more amusing side of that is that at least 2 states (maybe more?) have already told him that they wont be getting rid of any transgender people already serving in their state military command groups, and will still accept applications from anyone desiring to do so. I’m sure if he hasnt already Tweeted (high security method, not) on the matter, he soon will be.
The other LGBT news I’ve heard today comes care of Australia, Sydney, to be exact
I must admit, there would have been a few cities that if you’d told me would be candidates to do it, Sydney would have been one of them. Thank you for the gesture. Not that I guess I would ever have seen it, even if my body hadnt totally given up on me, thats far too far away, but at least I know its there, which is something. Somehow I cant see the guy mentioned previously will be rushing to use that crossing somehow. I’d love to, but now especially, I think I might have to pass on that.
Why, you ask? Well, a couple of days ago, I had to post a letter to work, re my health issues, and I thought that as the post box was only about 200 yards away, and no one else was readily available to post it, I’d give it a go, and see how it went. Well, going down the hill was ‘interesting’ but I survived, just. Snag is, I then had to come back up the hill, and that was a whole different game! I did make it, but it hurt! I’ve also noticed that the stairs at home, when I’m carrying anything (especially full cups), are distinctly becoming a challenge, coming up. So yes, the old girl is definitely busted, for sure. I suspect unless something dramatic can be done to me, I wont be walking far in future. 😦
Oh, and talking of busts… As some already know, and others will now know, I look like I’ve got a decent cleavage. No, its not some magical hormone, or the fact I have a friendly fairy godmother who provided me with a decent pair of boobs. Believe me, if the latter was the case, I’d have got her to remove something else at the same time! Many women are unfortunate enough to have mastectomies due to breast cancer, a charity whose cause I used to support when I had any money. For those women, prosthetics are provided that give the image that they still have breasts. I’m not the only Transgender women that uses them, I’m sure, but we arent strictly the main market for them. These silicon breasts are fantastic, give a great look, are designed to be about the right weight, and are great, providing you dont put too much weight on them. I dont, I have a foam pair I use at night (vanity, I know), which can take just about anything. Of course, when I was in hospital, the pair I was using were the silicon ones, and they didnt take kindly to being slept in, especially the one on the side I slept on. So yes, its a bit damaged, and I’ve had to buy a new pair which arrived this week. More expense, ah well… Mind, if anyone knows of a similar vagina I could wear 24/7, without toilet issues, please let me know. Hiding ‘that thing’ would be heaven, and far less painful than surgery!
Right, video time. Bit of a clue in the blog title, how original!