Category Archives: Health

Everything has changed

Firstly, for those of my readers who celebrate it, happy Easter. For those of you who dont celebrate it, enjoy the holiday period in whichever way you wish to do so.

Its actually quite funny that over my working years, a lot of the time, bank holiday weekends meant little different to me, as for all those years in the betting industry, they were just another working weekend. Of course, in the good old days in the last century (that really makes me sound old, doesnt it?), there actually was no horse racing on Good Friday, and betting shops were closed on this day. Now, thanks to the god of consumerism, we race pretty much every day of the year, (there were also 3 days at Christmas, now just Christmas Day)  and betting shops are open every day bar one, and I suspect the bookies begrudge their staff that, knowing them.

The last couple have been a bit weird, as I’ve had Friday off, Monday off, but worked the Saturday in between. At least I think I did, as it would be logical, but the brain is no longer up to working out if it actually happened or not? But this year, I’m (in theory) still working, and the long bank holiday weekend means nothing to me (I was tempted to use Vienna, by Ultravox, but no) because the body, and most critically, the brain is no longer up to complex things like work at present. If I believe the medical advice given so far, thats a case of game over, anyway. But the funny thing is, this would actually have been a long weekend for me, as it wouldnt have been my Saturday to work, so would have been a week off. Whereas now…?

The other thing I’ve decided needed to change, is me. When I had to cut back to 4 days a week at work (let alone 3), I had to economise somewhere, especially given I was paying out for therapy treatments. So basically, goodbye to pampering for me. Which means that my nails are a mess (arthritis and tremor make that impossible to do myself), and even if I’m not a hairy woman (I’m wondering if the drugs I got after seizure caused some to drop out or not? Probably not, as still got hair in places), I’m definitely in need of waxing by now. Even more so, if as planned by a wonderful friend, I’m going to do the Clara Johnson look thing (if not in public eye), I need to look decent! So yes, on Tuesday afternoon, the old girl is getting a bit of a makeover. Sadly not a 20 year old, slim, pretty dancer look, but as best as can be achieved, within sane cost. So yes, no massage, no facial unless someone wishes to provide the funds? If you should, then, https://ko-fi.com/merrybrooks is probably the easiest way.

After that, what changes, who knows? I wont hold my breath for the fully interfacing robot suit (ideally now with AI function, to override my busted brain), but it would be nice!

The funny thing is, before I even get to see a Neurologist (unless I get a very large fund donation), there are 2 more bank holidays to get through as a non working worker! Somehow I suspect I may have had my last excitement at looking forward to a bank holiday meaning extra time off work, but who knows?

OK, video time. Some vintage Paul Young for you

In truth, I love this song, which is why I’m offering the additional bonus tonight of the 12″ version. Obviously there is no video to this, so your call on either, both, or none. But you’re missing out if you go with none!

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What do we need?

According to the video, its a great big melting pot (though not the group you’re expecting?), but there are times when I think even if humanity agreed on that issue, you’d still get some that would argue about the size, colour, and probably the gender of said pot! yes, its one of those days when I feel like screaming at some of the more extreme transgender activists, but then they’d probably say I dont count, that I’m Intersex! Seriously, to quote another song, you’d think the LGBT community would want to stick together, especially in these times, but that is far too easy for some.

Being honest, one of those trend things I always dread on Twitter, ironically, is Trans Ally. Why, because it generally means we are under attack from some right wing group, or it means that some poor ‘snowflake’ of a Transgender person has taken exception to the realities of life being pointed out to them. Today, thanks to the SNP (Scottish Nationalist Party), we got a bit of both. Part 1 was care of 3 MSP’s posting on Social Media, complaining about the fact that Trans people should be treated to equal rights in Scotland. Not really much to ask, in truth, but too much for some, clearly! Most other MSP’s quickly came down on them, though I doubt it will change their views.

Part 2 relates to the forthcoming Census in Scotland. It seems the form will only give options for male, and female, and not any non binary options. Now, I’m elderly, and understand the practicalities of these things, and besides that, despite being Transgender, in Transition, my passport, and all other paperwork says I’m female, so I’m sorry, whenever, and wherever I’m asked my gender, I’m female, matter solved. Thing is, the younger generations (especially the newest ones) arent obliging, and expect everything in the world to fulfil their desires. Sorry, the real world isnt like that, and I dread to think what some of them would have done if they grown up 20 years ago, for example, and all people like myself went through.

So yes, the inevitable combustion blew up, and all sorts of insults, and threats have been thrown by said activists, at those not letting them have their way. Rattles from prams have nothing on them, lol. And of course in these days, with a bit of stirring thrown in by the Christian right, who think anyone who isnt in a traditional man and woman relationship, or desired to be in one, clashes with a group of young activists who think otherwise should be the case, it all gets explosive.

Dont get me wrong, I’m proud to declare as Transgender, though far too many of these young activists drive me to despair. As I also mentioned, strictly I’m Intersex, I have that man bit (that doesnt work sexually), but I also have the less visible womb too, so technically I’m as much a woman, as a man, anyway. And yes, today, in despair, and to some degree jokingly, I asked what I need to do physically to declare as Intersex, not Transgender, because then I might feel slightly more inclined to let the Trans Activists just get on with it, and I’ll just be a nice Intersex women instead. I guess its just down to declaring myself as Intersex, and then spending 10 minutes explaining it to each person who asks for details as to what that means, but there are times when I think that might still be easier! Not that getting the ‘bits bobbed’ actually solves that issue, as I still lived the first part of my life as a man, and the later part as a woman, but its tempting, assuming I am medically retired by the seizures (seems likely), but I’m still allowed the hormones, and surgery (no idea?) after them? If anyone knows that last answer, please let me know!

Of course, in an ideal world, we’d have a great big melting pot, and everyone of various race, gender, and sexuality could just get on with their lives without any of these issues! But fine, thats far too easy.

Video, no, not Blue Mink. I found a live performance by Boyzone, so lets go with that, as I cant find anything but mimed ones by Blue Mink

 

n social media, from those who think anything but a relationship between anyone but man and woman is a mortal sin, and that all LGBT people should go to hell, clashing with a bunch of young Trans people who think they should get special 

Another nail for my heart

Its been a funny sort of week, in truth, in more ways than one.

Earlier this week, the orange, bewigged Russian one threw enough of a temper tantrum that he got his way on one issue that has annoyed him. Seems the rule to stop Transgender people from serving in the American Military forces has been finally passed after numerous efforts. Even more amusing of course, in the week it was announced that one of the General’s who helped to fight for the independence of his country (assuming it isnt Russia?) was either a woman, or even more horrible for him, intersex.

The more amusing side of that is that at least 2 states (maybe more?) have already told him that they wont be getting rid of any transgender people already serving in their state military command groups, and will still accept applications from anyone desiring to do so. I’m sure if he hasnt already Tweeted (high security method, not) on the matter, he soon will be.

The other LGBT news I’ve heard today comes care of Australia, Sydney, to be exact

https://www.msn.com/en-gb/video/travel/sydney-unveils-permanent-rainbow-crosswalk-as-symbol-of-lgbtq-pride/vi-BBVTVmH?ocid=spartandhp

I must admit, there would have been a few cities that if you’d told me would be candidates to do it, Sydney would have been one of them. Thank you for the gesture. Not that I guess I would ever have seen it, even if my body hadnt totally given up on me, thats far too far away, but at least I know its there, which is something. Somehow I cant see the guy mentioned previously will be rushing to use that crossing somehow. I’d love to, but now especially, I think I might have to pass on that.

Why, you ask? Well, a couple of days ago, I had to post a letter to work, re my health issues, and I thought that as the post box was only about 200 yards away, and no one else was readily available to post it, I’d give it a go, and see how it went. Well, going down the hill was ‘interesting’ but I survived, just. Snag is, I then had to come back up the hill, and that was a whole different game! I did make it, but it hurt! I’ve also noticed that the stairs at home, when I’m carrying anything (especially full cups), are distinctly becoming a challenge, coming up. So yes, the old girl is definitely busted, for sure. I suspect unless something dramatic can be done to me, I wont be walking far in future. 😦

Oh, and talking of busts… As some already know, and others will now know, I look like I’ve got a decent cleavage. No, its not some magical hormone, or the fact I have a friendly fairy godmother who provided me with a decent pair of boobs. Believe me, if the latter was the case, I’d have got her to remove something else at the same time! Many women are unfortunate enough to have mastectomies due to breast cancer, a charity whose cause I used to support when I had any money. For those women, prosthetics are provided that give the image that they still have breasts. I’m not the only Transgender women that uses them, I’m sure, but we arent strictly the main market for them. These silicon breasts are fantastic, give a great look, are designed to be about the right weight, and are great, providing you dont put too much weight on them. I dont, I have a foam pair I use at night (vanity, I know), which can take just about anything. Of course, when I was in hospital, the pair I was using were the silicon ones, and they didnt take kindly to being slept in, especially the one on the side I slept on. So yes, its a bit damaged, and I’ve had to buy a new pair which arrived this week. More expense, ah well… Mind, if anyone knows of a similar vagina I could wear 24/7, without toilet issues, please let me know. Hiding ‘that thing’ would be heaven, and far less painful than surgery!

Right, video time. Bit of a clue in the blog title, how original!

 

Keep trying to do what you’ve been doing

Well, I have to admit that recently I’ve accepted there are more than a few things I used to do with ease, which are either now only be done with difficulty (see Monday’s blog) or not going to happen at all. Yes, I did manage to walk a few hundred yards on Monday, but it hurt. I then did about 4 calls in quick succession on Wednesday, dealing with doctors, and reports afterwards to work with results, and an hour or so after that, my voice was a mess too, but I got by. No, the chances of getting through an 8 hour shift of phone calls, back to back, no way.

But at the same time, I must try not to give up doing everything I used to do, must I? So anyway, events yesterday led to my first non health related trip out since last month, a meal out yesterday evening. Very much looked after, very much with an eye kept on me, but I went. Yes, as you can gather from this, I survived. But yes, I found the walking (again only a few hundred yards) a challenge, and getting the brain to focus on making selections from the menu, well… Lets just say that unless the neurologist (or a handy mad scientist) can revive my brain somewhat, complex holidays on my own just arent going to happen any more! Not saying not going to happen, but someone faces a challenge if it is going to, thats for sure.

Great shame, as it will probably mean I will have to give up on any plans to visit Pottawatomie County, Oklahoma, and ‘hunt’ for Clara Johnson, unless I can recover somewhat. Not giving up on something more relaxing with Kate just yet, but active stuff, I dont think so! Well, unless someone wants to swap me out into a fully functioning brain, and body at least, lol. But yes, if anyone has a nice robot body that just needs testing with the aid of a human volunteer…? 😉

The other thing I’m keeping doing, was done today, for an event tomorrow. Yes, its that time of year again, the Grand National. I suspect the last time I didnt bet on the race (maybe?) was 1974. I’m not saying I didnt bet on it then, but I just cant work out how I would have done so. I certainly ‘bet’ (well my Father did, on my behalf) between 1967, and 1969, but then he left home, and I have no idea after that? He did still see us until his death in the mid 70’s, so maybe he did still put bets on for me, but I cant be sure, at nearly 50 years on! After that, I was working, I was putting my ‘pennies’ each way on a horse in the race, and the tradition has continued. Some good years, some bad years, but gambled, all the same, in recent years, my annual (or sometimes twice annual) trip to the bookies to put bets on (up to £1 each way x 3 now) for myself, and Eric. But seriously, getting out to do that at present, no chance.

So today, with both of us made our selections online, and I checked out to see where the best, reliable prices were (there are some online firms I’ve never heard of, or would bet with, in truth) and what amused me was that the nicest place terms, and prices were with the firm that made me redundant 4 years ago, William Hill! So anyway, account opened, bets placed, and now fingers crossed I can take some money off them tomorrow. So yes, that long streak will last 1 more year at least!

So, in some senses at least, I’m keeping on doing what I’ve been doing, even if there are a few cheats involved now. Which leads me to the video. a real Pre-Code treat. Yes, it shows, behaviour, and shape of the lampshade, lol. Probably tame now, but in the more puritan 1930’s…

Well, I guess it solves my brain issues?

Before anyone gets too concerned about this, check the publication date, just saying…

Saturday saw me get my letter from the local National Health Service, re my Neurology appointment date. Yes, June 18th. I know, British folk, about par for the ‘free’ National Health Service over here (strictly its paid out of our wage deductions over here). Some of my US friends would say “So long?” but fine, if I had £10K to spare (or Medical insurance cover for that), I could probably get seen to in next couple of weeks. but unless any generous ‘chaperone’ is offering me that sort of money, not going to happen. No, I havent got the looks of Marion Davies, and I dont know anyone with the wealth of William R Hearst! So…

Anyone, given that they know something is wrong with my brain, and someone (no, it wasnt me, honest) has told them about my brainwashing kinks, they’ve decided to take the logical outcome, wipe my organic brain clean, then replace it with a nice AI unit, that will ‘act’ like me, but will in truth be a robotic machine, within a human body (though they are considering the matching robot body, I’m told). In truth, my only disappointment, the fact I’ve got to wait until the middle of June for this to happen!

OK, yes, its April 1st, one of those paragraphs is the truth, the other is total fabrication. Yes, sadly, its the second paragraph that is the ‘April Fool’, unless you want to tell me, and arrange otherwise. Because if it could be, the only thing in the second paragraph that would then be true would be my disappointment at it taking so long to get it done! I must admit, I’m looking forward to have a brain MRI, and EEG done, for all the wrong reasons, or shall we just say my fantasies will be running wild while its all being done.

I’ll be honest, I discovered today just how weak its all left me. I had to go into Huddersfield today to provide the certificate showing that I’m unfit to work at present. That’s dated until 30th April, but as the Doctors all said, I’m not going anywhere near any work until after my brain has been upgraded. Sorry, medically checked out, yes, I wish! So now we know that’s not before 18th June, and then will need the results after that, its going to be the end of June, at best. All medical advice recently, suggests I’m not going back. Having walked a few hundred yards between where I was dropped off this morning (Thanks, Ella) to deliver said certificate, and back, and how exhausted I’ve been afterwards, they’re right, I’m sure. Well, unless my brain/body, does get the robot makeover (oh, please…) at least.

So as I say, partly fact, partly fool. If someone does want to make the fool part fact, I couldnt be happier, but seriously… I know, a year ago, I could walk miles in Seattle, even with my back issues, now 200 yards is a challenge! So that automated, cybernetic robot body, oh yes please! Yes, brainwashed, and totally mindlessly obedient would be seen as a bonus, and thats no fool!

Right, video time. Yes, I would love this done to me, seriously, and as my brainwashing fantasies go, this pretty much fits the bill. It is Batman, but this is the 1940’s version, not the better known 1960’s version. But the brainwashing helmet over your head, the control unit literally on your head, well… Where’s this kind of man when you need one, when your brain is malfunctioning, lol?

Happy April Fools Day, unless you want to show me otherwise? 😉

Purple pain

I must admit, this might not have been the first time I’ve heard about Epilepsy Awareness Day,  and just been so concerned about another Awareness Day (Transgender) at the end of March, that I simply havent reacted to it. It might also be the first time I’ve heard about it, but I suspect its the former. Its not hard to only get involved in these matters when it affects you directly, is it? Of course, before EEG, MRI, and whatever else, I dont actually have confirmation that it was epilepsy that caused my seizures, just that its a maybe. It may, at this point be more, or less, or who knows?

One thing is for sure, Friday will be interesting, as I need to go out to get my blood tests done at the doctor’s. After that, I need to (hopefully briefly) head into town, as I need to produce my note entitling me not to even consider working before the end of April, so that I can get my benefits in the interim. Should be ‘fun’ as even though I havent had any more seizures, I havent been stressing my body at all, plus mobility, and speech are still far from perfect, but boxes have to be ticked, so…

In truth, I’m probably ready to get out briefly, after more than a week indoors, but hopefully I’m not pushing my luck, all the same. But yes, its fair to say this year, I’m far more aware of Epilepsy awareness day, than ever before. Oh, the blog title? Guess which colour people are meant to wear to show support? Well, strictly its Lavender, but wouldnt you rather have Prince, seriously? So…

Giving up a little bit

Lets say that this might be getting a little bit ahead of myself, but given comments I’ve got from 2 sets of medical people in recent days, quite possibly I’m not, though equally now, I do wonder if I’m officially healthy enough for a certain option to happen, rather than being able to bide my time?

Yes, those of you with reasonable memories, and who have been reading these musings for a while, may remember that during Transgender Week of Awareness last November, I pledged that post retirement, I would actually go ahead and get the ‘big snip’ done, never imagining just how soon that moment might arise? Well, at this point, pre blood tests, pre neurological checks, and probably some heart checks too, I dont officially stand at a point where I’m immediately looking at medical retirement. But yes, over the weekend, the thought did more than cross my mind.

No, I’m not considering not going through with the pledge, all things permitting. Firstly (though seemingly likely), its not yet confirmed that I cant recover sufficiently at some point, that I will be able to go back to work. But fine, unless my speech improves dramatically, fairly quickly (I’m 61 already, lets face it), I wont be able to do call centre work, lets face it. Equally, there is the counter issue, my health. Would they actually be happy to do the sex reassignment surgery on someone whose health is as questionable as mine is now?

One thing would then be for sure. In good time, post-op, the issue of a ‘little bit’ that a chorus girl dancer’s outfit might tend to reveal, would no longer be a concern! In truth, I have no idea how the timing would work out. Strictly, I’ve lived as a woman for nearly 10 years, so that qualifying period is more than over. Equally, though that ‘little bit’ hasnt worked in even longer than that, I havent actually been taking female hormones either. Indeed, another thing, as well as the actual surgery that I’m not sure how keen they would be to let me do, given the seizures, and stuff?

Anyway, lets see what the results of the tests are first, shall we? So what do you reckon, was it someone trying to stop me being a chorus girl, or was it someone trying to ensure I become a proper chorus girl, with proper bits? Hmm?

So will it be 5 years time before I complete transition, or a lot sooner? Or, hopefully not, medically unable to do so?

OK, video time. Just over 40 years ago Supertramp were one of those bands you tended to avoid admitting you loved. Probably still are, but I’m past the point of caring! A lovely live version from more recent times

That was a week that was?

Anyone looking for cheery news, look away now! At least now I know what happened last Tuesday, though fine, I might wish I didnt. Yes, fine, I had a seizure, OK? How do I know this? Well, could be because I had another one on Friday, just maybe? On a Blackpool tram of all places, before I got to wear my ‘Clara Johnson’ dress and all. No, I dont remember a thing, and from what I’ve heard, thats for the better! So yes, the perfect place to spend your birthday, a hospital bed.

The good news, as you might have gathered by now, I live. The bad news, I have a distinct speech issue, which when thats your job, not good. To put it politely, I sound drunk. Considering I havent had alcohol in 18 months, thats not real. But it sounds that way, and when your voice is your job, I wont be working for a while, if not an awful lot longer. Doctor has already signed me off until end of April, and thats only for starters, clearly. Like the hospital staff, when I suggested early medication retirement (I am 61), the Doctor looked at me as if how I could be considering anything else. So yeah, PIP here I come! Oh fine, yes, my co-ordination is dreadful too.

I must say, that apart from one thing, the Blackpool Victoria Hospital was lovely to me, and the others visiting me. That one thing? Well, they stuck numerous canola’s into me, covered them up, then missed one at removal. Yes, its gone now!

So fine, what a week it was, after the week I was hoping for. No, I dont think I’m blaming Clara Johnson’s ghost for events, though I do wonder…? Probably the end for speaking roles, unless things improve dramatically with my voice, but makes me perfect for mannequin roles, or full body suit, non speaking parts, just saying…

Oh, do you want the biggest irony, the seizures have improved the state of my back! No idea why, but its true! But if its one, or the other, then yes, I’ll have the bad back! So yeah, that Clara Johnson moment remains a challenge!

OK, video time. Not quite as old as me, and yes, my dears, this is an old fashioned jukebox, complete with single record… But yes, its definitely been…

Don’t stop year now!

Its funny to think that on my first day, at age 60, was spent dress up as a 20’s Flapper (even more so, if planned dress had fitted) at the Blackpool Film Festival, and the last day of age 60, I’ll be back at the Blackpool Film Festival, this time doing the 30’s chorus girl look! So, one year on calendar, one decade on in look, and I can get my ‘Clara Johnson’ look moment, at 60, just about! I am also working the rest of the weekend there, if you’re in the area?

Question is, how many more? Even more so after yesterday, when I was sat in my room,  settling down to watch a bit of the Cheltenham Festival, and then felt wobbly, and…

Next thing I knew, was Eric looking down on me, and asking if I was alright. I resisted the witty compliment, and working out I wasnt fine, given over 3 hours had passed since I was previously conscious. I retired to bed, and apart from bathroom stops, didnt really get conscious again under morning. I feel better now, though thats only relative, not right, but just better. Yes, it makes me wonder how much longer this body is going to last, probably not long? But as long as it lasts the weekend…?

OK, video  time. What else but one from the Blackpool TV series

 

My perfect bedroom?

My grateful thanks to Stacie, for having posted this picture on my Facebook page for when I returned from Physio this morning. I’ve been having even more issues than normal for the last 10 days or so, with issues with my hips, and muscles at the top of leg area, as well as the standard ones with my back. Yes, seems my body has decided to compensate for the damage in my lower spine/back, and now of course those affected areas are starting to get sore because of it. I did offer to get a body upgrade to a nice robot one (ideally in chrome), but she just laughed, primarily because its not really an option at this time, lol, lets face it! Unless you know better…? 😉

Then, as I say, I got home, and eventually got on to Facebook, and found that Stacie had posted this picture on my timeline

silver bedroom

Oh please, talk about my dream bedroom, all in metallic silver… Not sure I could wear anything but silver bodysuits if I lived in a room/house like that, but I wouldnt actually see that as a bad thing. Ideally, either a hooded body suit, or hoods as well, at least in the wardrobe! Maybe that passageway leads to the charging pod, lol? Or the AI controller unit, just maybe? Full robotisation option, as opposed to just the look? Please!

Yes, if anyone ever wants to design my dream apartment, the bedroom almost certainly looks just like that! Oh for the money to make that dream come true. Though I dont deny it, my first financial priority would probably be to get my spine fixed (a la Tiger Woods), and then arrange my dream robot apartment. But fine, neither would take long, believe me!

But yes, seeing that when I got home, just loved it! Only wish I could see the rest of the apartment, in truth. Actually, searching, I’ve discovered its not much more than a concept design at this time, but I’d love it for real.

So if anyone has lots of money they just want to treat a disabled old lady with, give me a shout!

Video time. Well fine, the song title is one word different, but the rhyme could still work? I thought I’d try the recent live version, and its good enough to roll with, so…