Monthly Archives: March, 2019

From the cradle to her grave

There might have been some, other than me, who noticed the ironic coincidence today. Though American’s wouldnt have done so, as they celebrate one at a different date to us, but like a few other things (yes, finally they are on the correct summer time period, lol), they dont agree with us on when Mothers Day should be celebrated, but yes, here, it was today.

Today was also (seemingly generally) Transgender Day of Visibility, perchance. Which meant for me at least, today was both Mother’s Day, and TDOV (abbreviation, please), which is ironic, because my mother pretty much disowned me the day I came out as Transgender. Given that a matter of a couple of months later, I found out that I was actually Intersex (I have a womb, and heaven knows what else?), I find it hard to believe that she hadnt known that at least since shortly after my birth, as history (thank you, internet) has shown records of others where doctors/parents decided what gender the baby was ‘desired’ to be, and ‘bits’ adjusted accordingly.

But anyway, by the time I found out this critical piece of news, me, and her had gone our separate ways. Soon after that initial event, she’d passed away, issued sorted for her at least.

In truth, by now, I dont really care, its done, history. But when, a few days ago, I realised the conjunction today, I did a smile to myself. But fine, I must admit, if I get the op done as planned (health permitting), and we meet ‘somewhere in the next life’, I might just show her that she actually had a daughter, lol.

Video time again. Squeeze again, only a far more recent track. So, yes, with luck, I left the cradle as a baby boy, but I’ll go to the grave as a feisty old lady! I know, strictly, I’m not Transgender, but it sums up life that its easier to describe myself as such, than trying to explain intersex!

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That was unexpected

It seems that today, here in the UK, there was something happening other than another vote on Brexit. No, the result of that definitely wasnt unexpected, lol. As to the result of the blood tests I had earlier today, I cant comment on how expected they are, as I wont get them until next week. The one thing I hadnt quite expected, but had thought might be the case, was the fact I needed a taxi to get me to and from the surgery today (Ella was busy elsewhere) rather than being able to walk there, as I’ve done previously. Its a fair way (nearly a mile), but nothing I wouldnt have been able to do, with a bit of effort, pre seizures. Ah well, and another medical look that suggests going back to work is an unlikely option. Talking of which, got a lovely ‘get well’ card from work arrived this morning too.

Oh fine, getting to the point, the event today was a Transgender Health Conference, which was pretty much discussing just how young children should be able to begin to transition. Fine, so I knew by the age of 6 that trying to be a boy wasnt working out. Then again, I’m not strictly transgender, I’m intersex, as I already have bits belonging to both genders. But yes,for ease in explanation and stuff, I’m transgender. Thats hard enough to explain to some, let alone getting into the area of Intersex!

My personal opinion? I dont think anyone should, or should be expected to conform to a gender pre puberty. Hey, thats when hormones really kick in, and give good clues on the matter. But I know, convenience, and conforming with the gender game, cant wait that long, can we? Unlike her, I do think there are transgender people, but convincing me that someone transgender, not intersex really knows that, pre puberty, well…?

Anyway, someone was having their say on Twitter, along the lines of whichever ‘bits’ you’re born with, thats your gender. Anyway, feeling sore, having been stabbed with needles for blood earlier that morning, and feeling mischievous, I asked what happened if you were born with both sets of ‘bits’, like me? I got a nice surprise, she knew that made me intersex, not a ‘gender of convenience’ person as she sees many transgender people, and it pretty much came down to the fact that I should live in the gender I feel comfortable in, which of course I do.

No, we didnt go away following each other, one way, or both, on Twitter, but I guess it shows that if you act in an adult manner, pre conceptions can be proved wrong, I’m delighted to say.

Video time. I’m sure I must have used this before, but I wanted something with an apt lyric line, and its a much under rated Squeeze song, so…

PS Sunday is Transgender Day of Visibility, supported by both Transgender, and Intersex people, hopefully everywhere?

Purple pain

I must admit, this might not have been the first time I’ve heard about Epilepsy Awareness Day,  and just been so concerned about another Awareness Day (Transgender) at the end of March, that I simply havent reacted to it. It might also be the first time I’ve heard about it, but I suspect its the former. Its not hard to only get involved in these matters when it affects you directly, is it? Of course, before EEG, MRI, and whatever else, I dont actually have confirmation that it was epilepsy that caused my seizures, just that its a maybe. It may, at this point be more, or less, or who knows?

One thing is for sure, Friday will be interesting, as I need to go out to get my blood tests done at the doctor’s. After that, I need to (hopefully briefly) head into town, as I need to produce my note entitling me not to even consider working before the end of April, so that I can get my benefits in the interim. Should be ‘fun’ as even though I havent had any more seizures, I havent been stressing my body at all, plus mobility, and speech are still far from perfect, but boxes have to be ticked, so…

In truth, I’m probably ready to get out briefly, after more than a week indoors, but hopefully I’m not pushing my luck, all the same. But yes, its fair to say this year, I’m far more aware of Epilepsy awareness day, than ever before. Oh, the blog title? Guess which colour people are meant to wear to show support? Well, strictly its Lavender, but wouldnt you rather have Prince, seriously? So…

There’s some regrets

There are times when those things that make you feel old all build up in a hurry, and I seem to be going through a few of these at present. Oh fine, I’m only 61 (just), but its clear my health isnt all it could be. Hopefully all the blood, heart, and brain checks will provide results not as pessimistic as I think they might be, but the voice isnt improving much, and lets face it, medical people arent going to suggest early retirement unless they really think its going to be needed, are they? No, the thing that has come up again today, which is thankfully a generation ahead of me, is the death of one of those pop stars I grew up listening to, Scott Walker. The funny thing being, I’ve chosen one of their bigger hits, but this wasnt there single that I owned, but I did own a version of this, but it was the Midge Ure one.

I first listened to, and bought singles by the Walker Brothers (technical, as my parents provided the money at the time) in the middle 60’s. They hung around for a few years, had a few hits, and then they split up. No, it wasnt a family thing, they werent really brothers! Then in the mid 70’s, for some reason, probably financial, they got back together again, again not for very long. Out of that brief period of time came one further big hit, the one in the video. The song, as I say, was later a solo hit for Midge Ure, post Ultravox, and that was the version I actually bought. It seems more apt, in the week that culminates in the Transgender Day of Visibility, as an apt sentiment for me.

So though the Sun is going to shine some more, and hopefully my medical reports wont be too (un) easy on myself, it seems another of those pop acts of my childhood wont be around to know. Not that the one remaining Walker Brother, Gary (the third, John passed in 2011) would know, or care about me, but anyway… Its not so much the death as such, its their dying of old age that concerns me! As for regrets over Brexit, no comments either way, whatsoever!

So yes, as quoted, a Walker Brother video. Enough clues as to which one, I’m sure?

Giving up a little bit

Lets say that this might be getting a little bit ahead of myself, but given comments I’ve got from 2 sets of medical people in recent days, quite possibly I’m not, though equally now, I do wonder if I’m officially healthy enough for a certain option to happen, rather than being able to bide my time?

Yes, those of you with reasonable memories, and who have been reading these musings for a while, may remember that during Transgender Week of Awareness last November, I pledged that post retirement, I would actually go ahead and get the ‘big snip’ done, never imagining just how soon that moment might arise? Well, at this point, pre blood tests, pre neurological checks, and probably some heart checks too, I dont officially stand at a point where I’m immediately looking at medical retirement. But yes, over the weekend, the thought did more than cross my mind.

No, I’m not considering not going through with the pledge, all things permitting. Firstly (though seemingly likely), its not yet confirmed that I cant recover sufficiently at some point, that I will be able to go back to work. But fine, unless my speech improves dramatically, fairly quickly (I’m 61 already, lets face it), I wont be able to do call centre work, lets face it. Equally, there is the counter issue, my health. Would they actually be happy to do the sex reassignment surgery on someone whose health is as questionable as mine is now?

One thing would then be for sure. In good time, post-op, the issue of a ‘little bit’ that a chorus girl dancer’s outfit might tend to reveal, would no longer be a concern! In truth, I have no idea how the timing would work out. Strictly, I’ve lived as a woman for nearly 10 years, so that qualifying period is more than over. Equally, though that ‘little bit’ hasnt worked in even longer than that, I havent actually been taking female hormones either. Indeed, another thing, as well as the actual surgery that I’m not sure how keen they would be to let me do, given the seizures, and stuff?

Anyway, lets see what the results of the tests are first, shall we? So what do you reckon, was it someone trying to stop me being a chorus girl, or was it someone trying to ensure I become a proper chorus girl, with proper bits? Hmm?

So will it be 5 years time before I complete transition, or a lot sooner? Or, hopefully not, medically unable to do so?

OK, video time. Just over 40 years ago Supertramp were one of those bands you tended to avoid admitting you loved. Probably still are, but I’m past the point of caring! A lovely live version from more recent times

That was a week that was?

Anyone looking for cheery news, look away now! At least now I know what happened last Tuesday, though fine, I might wish I didnt. Yes, fine, I had a seizure, OK? How do I know this? Well, could be because I had another one on Friday, just maybe? On a Blackpool tram of all places, before I got to wear my ‘Clara Johnson’ dress and all. No, I dont remember a thing, and from what I’ve heard, thats for the better! So yes, the perfect place to spend your birthday, a hospital bed.

The good news, as you might have gathered by now, I live. The bad news, I have a distinct speech issue, which when thats your job, not good. To put it politely, I sound drunk. Considering I havent had alcohol in 18 months, thats not real. But it sounds that way, and when your voice is your job, I wont be working for a while, if not an awful lot longer. Doctor has already signed me off until end of April, and thats only for starters, clearly. Like the hospital staff, when I suggested early medication retirement (I am 61), the Doctor looked at me as if how I could be considering anything else. So yeah, PIP here I come! Oh fine, yes, my co-ordination is dreadful too.

I must say, that apart from one thing, the Blackpool Victoria Hospital was lovely to me, and the others visiting me. That one thing? Well, they stuck numerous canola’s into me, covered them up, then missed one at removal. Yes, its gone now!

So fine, what a week it was, after the week I was hoping for. No, I dont think I’m blaming Clara Johnson’s ghost for events, though I do wonder…? Probably the end for speaking roles, unless things improve dramatically with my voice, but makes me perfect for mannequin roles, or full body suit, non speaking parts, just saying…

Oh, do you want the biggest irony, the seizures have improved the state of my back! No idea why, but its true! But if its one, or the other, then yes, I’ll have the bad back! So yeah, that Clara Johnson moment remains a challenge!

OK, video time. Not quite as old as me, and yes, my dears, this is an old fashioned jukebox, complete with single record… But yes, its definitely been…

Don’t stop year now!

Its funny to think that on my first day, at age 60, was spent dress up as a 20’s Flapper (even more so, if planned dress had fitted) at the Blackpool Film Festival, and the last day of age 60, I’ll be back at the Blackpool Film Festival, this time doing the 30’s chorus girl look! So, one year on calendar, one decade on in look, and I can get my ‘Clara Johnson’ look moment, at 60, just about! I am also working the rest of the weekend there, if you’re in the area?

Question is, how many more? Even more so after yesterday, when I was sat in my room,  settling down to watch a bit of the Cheltenham Festival, and then felt wobbly, and…

Next thing I knew, was Eric looking down on me, and asking if I was alright. I resisted the witty compliment, and working out I wasnt fine, given over 3 hours had passed since I was previously conscious. I retired to bed, and apart from bathroom stops, didnt really get conscious again under morning. I feel better now, though thats only relative, not right, but just better. Yes, it makes me wonder how much longer this body is going to last, probably not long? But as long as it lasts the weekend…?

OK, video  time. What else but one from the Blackpool TV series

 

Power, to the people we want to be

I know, ideally I would have written this on Friday, but like most things in this world, everything cant be perfect! Yes, Friday was International Woman’s Day, something that I wish that one day, like Pride, like Transgender Day of Remembrance, we dont need to celebrate, to make a point to some. Not because its not worth celebrating, it is, but that the need wont be relevant any more.

To be fair, things are a lot better now than they used to be for women, and I mean in terms of events far more recent than the freedom to vote, which of course we recently celebrated the centenary of. Over the decades, birth control, wage equality, and other various issues have been solved, or at least made an awful lot better for women than they were when I was young.

Of course, this is coming from the woman who would love to be the ‘Stepford’ housewife of the 1950’s, running the perfect marital home, and a dream cook to boot. Yes, seriously, I would need the robotic housewife makeover to be able to do all that, believe me. Mind, back then, I would have been able to retire at 60, which might have been handy, given my back gave out at 59 and a half (well, close enough)!

Not that I will be around to see it, but when the women starting out on their working lives now, reach my age, things will be more equal for them. There was actually an IWD event in Huddersfield yesterday that I got an invite too, and a possible chance to make a speech too, but unfortunately it clashed with the 1 Saturday in 5 that I have to work, but hopefully it works better next year, even assuming my back still allows me to work by then! I’ve heard it was popular, which was good news for me at least.

Right, just to let you know, as I will be doing on the other blog too. I’m off the next week (20th is next day I’m working), and with Blackpool, schedule might get a bit erratic during that period. You might get more (if events need it), or, at the end of the week, you might miss out on them too. But tomorrow, and maybe the next 2 days, you suggest suitable material, I’ll write about it, with the obvious exclusion of UK related politics at least! No, I dont expect any suggestions, but…?

OK, video time. The Eurovision song from 1973, in fact! So, power to all my friends, especially female ones, cisgender, trans, or non binary. Fine, every woman, lol! No, I dont mean in the voltage sense, but if anyone is offering…? 😉

Real, gone cash

In truth, there are at least 4 items I would love to be deeply cynical relating to UK politics tonight, all relating to one party, and their woes this week, but fine, I’m not allowed to, but I’m sure that if you want to go and find them, its not too hard, especially as 2 seem to have cropped up today. But being good, for once…Lets talk about something else.

I read earlier this week that yet another thing that may be approaching the end of its working life, quite remarkably, is actual cash. No, not currency as such, but having actual notes, and coins in your pockets, seemingly a matter of how much longer?

Personally, for all day to day spending, I use cash. Apart from being what I’ve always used, it suits me best. Yes, the notes, and coins have changed a lot over my life, including decimalisation here in the UK, but cash has always been good for me. I dont even have a debit card (due to an issue with Barclays decades ago) account, so basically I have 2 pre paid credit cards, one sterling, one I use for foreign currencies, and thats it! I use them for online purchases, and as guarantee cards at hotels, but thats it.

But basically, as fewer, and fewer people use cash to pay for anything, preferring to use debit cards, or these new contactless cards (I have seen someone buy a newspaper for about 50p, on a debit card, several times), cash is going out of fashion. In truth, when you see people fumbling about with their contactless cards on the bus, I’m sure there are times when it would be quicker to hand over cash, but I guess some see it as cool, or trendy?

The one thing that is going to have to change, if cash is going to die out in use, is the attitude of banks, and the like, towards those people currently unable to get debit cards from banks, for whatever reasons. I dont know, maybe after 16 years of reliable banking with them, Halifax might actually be willing to give me a debit card account, but given everything is based on what computers say, and not the use of common sense, I wouldnt wish to put good money on it. If you think about it, beyond pre pay cards (which probably dont count), I havent got any credit history in decades, and certainly none under my current name! And there are a lot of people in a worse situation than me, lets face it. What are they going to do? Those in shelters, no fixed abode, and all that?

Mind, nothing is perfect. When I was on holiday on the Algarve, in November, I wanted to buy some clothes, and had more Euros on my pre paid card, than in cash, but these shops were cash only! Card commission issues, as far as I could tell!

So yes, I hope actual cash lasts long enough for me, in my lifetime. Unsurprisingly, after that, I dont care! But yes, the prospect of a cashless society is fine, until all the computers go down at the banks, as seems to happen regularly, then chaos will ensue. Ah well…

OK, video time. Well, two words are the same as the blog title, lol!

My perfect bedroom?

My grateful thanks to Stacie, for having posted this picture on my Facebook page for when I returned from Physio this morning. I’ve been having even more issues than normal for the last 10 days or so, with issues with my hips, and muscles at the top of leg area, as well as the standard ones with my back. Yes, seems my body has decided to compensate for the damage in my lower spine/back, and now of course those affected areas are starting to get sore because of it. I did offer to get a body upgrade to a nice robot one (ideally in chrome), but she just laughed, primarily because its not really an option at this time, lol, lets face it! Unless you know better…? 😉

Then, as I say, I got home, and eventually got on to Facebook, and found that Stacie had posted this picture on my timeline

silver bedroom

Oh please, talk about my dream bedroom, all in metallic silver… Not sure I could wear anything but silver bodysuits if I lived in a room/house like that, but I wouldnt actually see that as a bad thing. Ideally, either a hooded body suit, or hoods as well, at least in the wardrobe! Maybe that passageway leads to the charging pod, lol? Or the AI controller unit, just maybe? Full robotisation option, as opposed to just the look? Please!

Yes, if anyone ever wants to design my dream apartment, the bedroom almost certainly looks just like that! Oh for the money to make that dream come true. Though I dont deny it, my first financial priority would probably be to get my spine fixed (a la Tiger Woods), and then arrange my dream robot apartment. But fine, neither would take long, believe me!

But yes, seeing that when I got home, just loved it! Only wish I could see the rest of the apartment, in truth. Actually, searching, I’ve discovered its not much more than a concept design at this time, but I’d love it for real.

So if anyone has lots of money they just want to treat a disabled old lady with, give me a shout!

Video time. Well fine, the song title is one word different, but the rhyme could still work? I thought I’d try the recent live version, and its good enough to roll with, so…