Not talking loud and clear, and other issues
Given I am now halfway through my second week of rest after treatments stopped for now at least, I am in a position to give an update on matters relating to my health, and recovery progress. So, lets do so…
Its fair to say I have good days, I have not so good days, and days when I feel pretty drained. To be fair, I was warned this would happen, so I cant really be too surprised about it. The thing is, its not just a physical matter, as my voice also seems to have days when it wants to work decently, and others where the voice really just about is usable, and indeed I can do both of those in the same day, some of the time. But as long as I dont overdo it, I survive.
One problem I am finding it harder to get by with at present though, really is only a ‘Trans’ problem, and that is the fragility of the skin on my face, especially noticeable on my top lip for shaving purposes, though in truth, currently shaving anywhere (with anything) on my face isnt the greatest experience, so in truth, I’ve pretty much given up on doing so until my skin recovers somewhat. Now if I was a natural woman, probably not a problem, but being Trans, more so. Even more so of course, because the hair on the top of my head is either very short, or non existent, giving even more of the wrong kind of look! Oh, and even more so at present, as I’m not bothering with a wig, because where I havent lost much hair, it doesnt give a snug fit. So, I think its going to be a top, and trousers look for now when out, and I’ll now tell you why…
On Tuesday lunchtime, the door bell rang, so I went to answer it, as we were expecting a delivery, and Eric was resting upstairs. But no, this was some beggar type, clearly just after money, so I declined him. Which led him to issue a stream of vitriol about a man wearing a dress, which I would normally reply with similar talk, but I guess at moment, I suppose he has a bit of a case, even if it was hardly the way to convince me to give him anyway, if I was open to discuss his situation, was it? Well, I wasnt, but even less so then, lol! I did ‘threaten’ to call the police to him, which, after a bit more less than graceful talk from him led to him heading rapidly out the front gate, just in case I did, I guess?
Oh, and then to add to the fun today, through the joy of Social Media, it seems that J K Rowling seems determined to limit her reading market even more, by joining the group who think that its impossible for anyone to be anything but 2 genders, therefore hopefully ensuring her sales to Transgender, and Intersex people collapse to zero! Mind, the way that some of the militant Transgender people have reacted to this is hardly likely to endear them to her, but anyway… that seems the way of everything on Social Media now, to just reply to insults with even stronger insults, ah well…
OK, video time. Bit of irony, as its one of the matters I’m definitely having problems with at present…
When you leave
To those who think that 1 video is one too many on the blogs, you’re going to hate me tonight. To those who think I need to include more videos, you’re going to love me, probably for 1 night only mind, lol.
Yesterday, as mentioned, I got the letter from the specialist confirming that the best option for this ‘old biddy’ was medical retirement, and I got the covering note from the surgery signing me off until the end of January, and these got sent off to work this morning. This afternoon, as planned, I got the call from the health experts at work, and strangely enough, they are now sending off a report stating the same thing. They asked all the right, and fine questions, I did the same with answers.
I’ll be honest, I’m glad its all settled, and has been done so in an amicable way too. It means I can put December 12th on the Diary (works Christmas dinner, for those who need to be told) as a date to look forward to, and I can also look forward to, in the New Year, after I’ve recovered fully, I can make a few plans for what I want to do in some ways, which those who know about the ‘other blog’ will get a few ideas on, later this evening.
There are 2 things that occur in my thoughts, one that I can probably deal with from this country, health permitting, and thats the transition step to full womanhood. I must admit I do wonder if its just one bit of manhood that needs to go, some think it probably is! The second is probably a lot more complex, and will require me to get to ancient wedding records in Los Angeles, to find out who Miss Clara Johnson became when she became Mrs Clara ? so I can follow her through a bit more. My suspicion is 1937 to 1939 is the period I’d need to look at, but no actual evidence, beyond the traceable end of her career in movie dancing in 1937, but given she was 32 by then, well getting on a bit for that role, lol…?
And no, I have no idea when I will feel up to that task at the moment! No time soon, I suspect, but I hope I will find her, lol. The other thing re her that now intrigues me is the cause of death at a youngish age. I always assumed lung cancer, as everyone smoked back then, but now, with what has happened to me, with the brain cancer, I do wonder if its a repeat of history, maybe? Just makes me more intrigued to track her down, in truth.
OK, videos time. All round one song, by OMD, ‘If you leave’, which ironically sunk pretty badly over here, but was one of their biggest in US. Probably because of ‘Pretty In Pink’, but anyway…
Lets start with a new video, only released today, that explains the events around that
Then, as its mentioned in here, the original video.
And lastly, a very, very rare live performance of the song
I was working as a call (centre) girl
OK, strictly, apart from 1 day, my first job (2005 – 2009) up here in West Yorkshire was as a guy, and the second one (2009 – 2015) was as a guy too, for the first year or so, before I officially made the transition formal, but of course the last one (2016 – 2019) has always been as a woman, but hey, who’s counting? Especially as my initial coming out as a woman was in 2003, you could equally make a case that my actual working career up here in Yorkshire has been as a call centre girl.
The interesting thing about my 3 company career up here in Yorkshire is that not once have I actually written a letter handing in my notice. Twice I’ve been made redundant, once of my choice, once by the companies choice, and of course, after today, the third, and last will now end in medical retirement. Yes, the letter has now been sent off (though strictly will be collected by postman in morning) to work from the hospital, confirming that due to the cancer issue, and all that, the voice is no longer up to, or likely to be up to call centre work again. Thats even ignoring the 6 more weeks I would need off for radiotherapy, and chemotherapy, and the 4 – 6 week recovery period after that before I could even consider it, even if up to it, so…
Oh fine, with no disrespect to my current job (for a matter of a short period of time), I’m glad its all finally settled, and I can get on with getting better. To be fair, given the time I’ve been off work for (over 7 months now) through everything, they’ve treated me fairly, and barring setbacks, I’m looking forward to seeing some of them at least again on December 12th, for the works Christmas Dinner in Bradford (for which they are paying my transport, and meal) before the final goodbye. Given its the first ‘rest week’ post treatments, it should be fine, but never assume…
But yes, my Occupational Therapist told me today that I need some positive targets for post treatment, even now, and that will be the first of them, so…
Also of benefit today, the Social worker working for hospital/McMillan has taken all the PIP paperwork out of my hands, will arrange the disabled bus pass, and the thing I need to get the disabled car pass, which is all a great help. So now, on to Thursday, the meet the team (and machine) get together, and then on Monday, we get down to the serious business, with the start of radiotherapy, and chemo tablets. Hard to gather now that 2 months ago I didnt even know I had a cancer tumour growth! And now, so far forward…
Hard to believe that tomorrow is the penultimate weekday entirely at home for the next almost 7 weeks, the other being Friday. No, I dont expect to want to see Leeds again for a while after all that, lol!
The other amusing fact from today refers to hair. Through my life as a woman, I dont think I’ve ever deliberately worn my hair lower than back of my neck. So yes, today, I wore the wig to the hospital that drops below my neck. And yes, its taken a bit of getting used to, but I’m just beginning to get there now, and quite like it. I admit that Thursday, I plan to either wear, or at least take with me the silver wig, just because it seems a fun thing to do on the last day at a hospital before the treatments begin, the serious stuff! Whether I wear the silver Lycra bodysuit under street clothes, well…?
OK, video time. A joking comment at the 2 companies that made me redundant, even if I dont really feel that hard (at this point) about their decisions.
Second chance in line?
I would say strictly that this is probably the last double blog for a while, but in truth it wont be, even if the actual subject matter will be. Thats because something will be mentioned here, where readers know I’m Intersex, which wont be on the other one, where they think I’m a natural woman with a robot fetish, lol. Heaven knows what twist I give on the subject matter there, unless I know Rotwang, or Frankenstein is reading that one!
The day started in amusing fashion, as the advice you’re given is to be ready 2 hours before your appointment, which for me yesterday was 2 in the afternoon. So… 10.50 in the morning, the vehicle taking me to the hospital is parked outside, waiting for me! I assumed there were only 2 other people from this area going to the hospital, with an earlier appointment, so…Anyway, upstairs, get shoes on, get coat on, grab handbag, and ready to go. Actually, the restaurant at the hospital, where I ended up having lunch was fine, if more expensive than eating at home before leaving, lol.
So I switched my plans around, and started with getting the blood sample taken, instead of after everything else was done. After that, I went to check my transport for Occupational Therapy today had been sorted out (not, but very swiftly sorted) before heading to the bowels of the hospital (2 floors below ground floor) for the fitting of the mask, and stuff. No, not a full face, iron one, but anyway, was all good fun. All followed up about an hour later by a scan to check the fit, and basic comfort of wearing it, both of which were fine…on the second machine. First CT scanner they’d used in the morning was throwing a grumpy moment, but all soon sorted, and done.
Right, the big date, I suppose you want to know? First session will be on Monday, 28th October which is actually a week or 2 earlier than I’d been expecting from what I was told, but thats good news! Sessions will then be 5 days a week (Monday to Friday) for 6 weeks, which means the last one should be Friday, 6th December. After that its meant to be a minimum of 4 weeks of recovery period, though I’m working on 6 weeks personally, partly because of my age, and my back issue, and also because it will be fine to allow extra because of Christmas/New Year period, even if I’m sure I wont be overexerted by anyone, but…
Oh right, that subject I can mention here, but not on the other blog? Yes, like any good flapper, getting the hair bobbed isnt an issue for me, but I always said that after I retired I was going to get something else ‘bobbed’ too, the bits! No, not going to rush it, but I’m thinking that end of Summer 2020, or far more likely the Autumn, maybe my thoughts need to turn to that matter, and another operation in time, lol? I’d always said after retirement it would be a plan anyway, but I cant deny that all thats happened over the last 6 months has made it more of an issue I want sorted, just in case. Yes, already checked, and been told this cancer issue makes no difference to getting it done, so… I have no idea at this point where I stand on the matter, medically, to be honest.
Technically I’ve lived fully as a woman for 10 years, so I’m way over the limit on that point. Equally, I’ve never actually done hormones, but given I’m Intersex, I have no idea where I would place on a hormone test anyway. Its quite possible I have one obvious boy bit, but that could actually be it, especially given I have a womb! Never had children, but then again, was never in a position to have them, as the only woman I ever had ‘unprotected’ sex with, wasnt in a position to have them by then anyway!
Yes, its about a year down the road, for sure, but an interesting thing to think about, for sure?
Its funny how things happen, this morning was meant to be last trip to Leeds for nearly a fortnight (24th), but it never happened. Irony, my Occupational Therapist rang in this morning to the hospital, unable to go to work. It will be rearranged, but for now, just when…?
Right, video time. The cancer treatment, very rightly is first in line, but after that, well, second in line?
Something’s got a hold on me
Well I would guess its go surprise to people here if I do a Transgender posting here, even if strictly I’m intersex, but I will still always relate to mtf transgender issues, even when I do finally get the operation out of the way, and yes, I hope the brain issues wont stop that at least. But making a post where I disagree with the transgender crowd, well…
Its fair to say at my age, even ignoring the new health issues, that I’m never going to play sport again at my age. The only sport I really played at anything more than basic level more than a couple of years after leaving school was cricket, and though I was a decent player (I played both at school, and club levels), I was never going to be a world beater. I did play a little recreational golf after I left school, but that soon stopped after a couple of years, due to lack of time, and not being a Nick Faldo/Laura Davies at the game, it was never going to go further. I think at one point I was a 13 handicap, which isnt amazing, but not awful either. I did try again, about 25-30 years later, but lets say I was more like a 113 handicap by then.
But then, since I started to transition, apart from the issue of getting old, I decided it was the end of my sporting career anyway. I know, strictly, I could play as a woman, especially after transition was confirmed, but even if I’d been in a position to play sport as a woman, I dont think I would. I know, you look at me, and apart from perhaps the height issue (I’m 5ft 9 tall/ 1.74 m?) I’ve got the build of a woman, but anyway…
I know some have, and more will, but its just how I feel about things, OK?
But it seems that some are so determined to make it at sport, that they have less morals about matters than me. It seems one team in the Kent Women’s Cricket League are so determine to succeed that rules, well… Now let me say I’ve only read one article about this, and the club, and the player involved dont want to say anything on the subject, but… One ladies team seeming include a ‘woman’ who is strongly built, 6ft 1 in height in their team.
Fine, but this is seemingly a woman who hasnt declared to be transitioning, isnt taking female hormones, and according to reports only declares as a woman on cricket match days, which seems very convenient. Of course she’s scoring lots of runs, taking lots of wickets, and all that stuff. So suddenly a moderate team has become a league winning capable team, isnt that handy?
Now, I wouldnt want to say she isnt genuine in the transition, but if so, why isnt she living as a woman for 7 days of the week? Yes, I do cynically wonder if this will be a 1 year wonder, or not? Handily for them, in England, unless you get into National Squad contention, you dont get sex tests done!
In the sense of glory, I dont care how desperate this team are to win, by doing things like this, but my concern is the simple one, if as I suspect it will, this is proved to be a fraud, where does it leave genuine transgender people in the future, both in terms of general life, and things that are gender related, from public conveniences upward? But yes, life is hard enough for us, without people working the system for the sake of glory, because lets face it, as has happened with this, its eventually going to get out, and probably in a negative way.
OK, rant over. Mind, I’ve acted as a woman, even before I started transitioning (long before in fact), but that was just a part I was needed to play, that I didnt cheat anyone out of, so… The fun is, if it wasnt for the health issues, I might have been acting this autumn as a woman again, ah well…
Right, video time. One of my favourites of all time, in truth. Yes, I’d love to be the lady in grey, with the helmet in this, seriously
Here comes my baby?
I was reading an interesting article yesterday about something very relevant to many transgender women. Strictly it doesnt apply to me for two reasons. First, I’m strictly too old, and secondly, strictly, I dont need one, already got one. Yes, wombs, and baby bearing for transgender women. As I say, I’m too old genetically, and never had any desire to have babies anyway. But yes, I’ve got a womb anyway, even if not fully developed. I do actually wonder if I’ve only got one (obvious) piece of male genitalia, but until they take a look, who knows?
Equally, I do know a number of younger transgender women who would love to have a baby, so if this concept actually comes to fruition, its going to leave them with an interesting decision to make, for sure. Dont get me wrong, the whole act of changing your ‘bits’ isnt an easy operation, but compared to the whole act of designing internal bits to allow for the fitting of a womb, I suspect its a whole less lot complex. Why I say a decision is because its obviously not something they are initially do for everyone transitioning, because lets face it, for those like me, its a wasted effort. Also, seemingly, as to start with at least, its going to require a donor womb, its probably going to delay your op being done.
Yes, donor wombs can be done, thats what the article was about, that a 35 year old woman has just got pregnant using a donor womb originally from a 45 year old women, who was sadly killed in a road accident. And yes, someone raised the question of whether in the future, the same could be done for a transgender woman, and of course, the answer was yes, though as they said, there may be unknown physical issues that a natural woman wouldnt have, but until they look into it…?
Me, I’ve never wanted to be a mother, or indeed any kind of parent, but that might just be my physical build? But no, I have no desire to have my womb made usable, even more so at my age, but hopefully it brings hope to the younger transgender generations at least.
OK, video time. I was thinking of something different, but then You Tube put this on my suggested list, so saved me the search. Lets face it, its not even about the same generation of baby!
A whole different role
As is sometimes the way, its fair to credit my inspiration (not literally) for tonight’s blog, a gentleman by the name of Eddie Deezen. You may have heard of him, or more likely heard him, because a lot of his career in recent(ish) years have been doing voices for cartoon series, and the like. For me, at my age, I remember him more for parts in both Grease films, hence tonight’s video. Anyway, this morning on his Facebook page (yes, we are friends there, fame for me, lol, though I also count Bruce Glover as a friend on that front too, ooh.
Anyway, this morning, he was posting something about someone who he had acted with in a film, and something she had done since then. Yes, I know, go find the name, fine, I did, Tawny Kitaen, he’d found an old picture of the two of them, from a film named Happy Hour, which was nothing to do with the Housemartins song, lol. Such a big film it hasnt even got any details about it on Wikipedia lol.
Anyway, this really isnt about her, its about something I did in 1979, to help a few friends out. Basically, they wanted to make a promo video, and for some reason best known to themselves, they decided to use the 2 most famous songs from Grease. They were filling the main parts, but they needed a few more to make up the 2 ‘gangs’ and I got dragged in as one of the guys. I know, be very different now, but more on that in a moment.
Given that I heard nothing more about it, I presume the video sunk like a brick, but as a 21 year old, doing amateur dramatics, and nothing more, it wasnt the end of the world for me. Mind, if it struck gold 4 years later, I wouldnt have been around for them to find me anyway. Either that, or they made it, didnt need the supporting cast, who knows? I wasnt a great singer, but just going “Woo, woo, woo” I could cope with! As far as I know, its not on You Tube, but please dont go looking for it, just in case.
I forgot all about it, but then, out of the blue, I got a friend request on Facebook from Eddie, looked him up on Wikipedia, went ‘Oh my god” and accepted quickly. Amusing story, his friend number was at the limit, so I sent a message telling him so, assuming that would be it, but no, he made room for me, and the rest was history.
Its funny to think that now, if I was still that age I’d actually be in the girl gang, not the boys! Mind, now I’m more the age for the role played by the legendary Joan Blondell, than the girl gangs, now wouldnt that be fun?
So yes, lets finish going round the sun, to meet the moon on this blog, and get to the videos. Yes, 2 tonight for the price of one. Firstly, a live Olivia Newton John version, without Travolta
Then the one from the movie, with Travolta
I just hope no one can find that fun video including me, thats all I wish!
That feeling, here it comes again!
Yes, I know its been a while since the previous blog, but unfortunately there has been a good reason. Saturday, seemingly I had another seizure. I know, I really could do without them, but such is life that I seem to be stuck with them now. This one was seemingly back to the old formula, I knew nothing about it at the time. It seems I did come round after a short period of time, so was just put to bed to recover (as they were advised), and some time in the middle of Monday morning I finally came around sufficiently to get up. I was apparently woken a few times to check I was alive, and to take my pills, but was otherwise just left to recover.
I took the choice to go up the hospital on Monday, as I was still a bit ‘woozy’ but after a few hours I got cleared, and came home again. I cant say the hospital handled the next step brilliantly, first offering me transport home, only to then eventually be told they didnt do that. Let me say that didnt surprise me, but why offer it in that case?
I did eventually sort out a taxi at the second attempt to get me home, which seemed an excessive fare, but other than that…
Unfortunately all this meant that both the tests that were meant to happen over the weekend never happened, which frustrated me, but such is life, as they will need to be rearranged. Hopefully I dont have to wait 3 months for another MRI, because I think a friend in US will blow his temper if I do. I suspect the EEG will get rearranged after an apology, and explanation though. I have to check with someone for availability to get me there, but otherwise.. Not that its my fault, but all the same…
Oh, and I think thats it for work too. My bosses have been wonderful in giving me time to get things sorted, but my half pay thing runs out at the end of next month, and being practical, after Saturday, I’m not working again anytime soon, so the inevitable is going to happen, thats it. Well I never thought it would end like this, but so it seems… I know, in the old days, I would have retired at 60, so… Ah well, I can get on with considering getting something ‘lopped off’ I guess? I wonder what will be the first location that I will have visited as a guy, a ‘girl’, and as a proper woman? A lot will depend on the date you officially say I was a ‘girl’ lol? If you say its 2002, that takes out most of US (beyond New England), but if its 2009 (official transition) then its more likely US, though ironically not LA (never as a guy). A lot is going to depend when the ‘snip’ happens, I guess?
I must admit, it will be nice to be able to wear a swimsuit, or dress, and not worry about I might be revealing, I must admit. Anyway, thats the depressing news, or however you want to look at it. So on to the video. What I felt when I realised I’d had another seizure, I guess?
Make me a natural woman?
Seeing I promised to throw this piece of hypothesis up to (hopefully) a bigger audience, I’d better be a good girl and do so. Let me add that regardless, its not going to change my view on my status, and also, at this point at least, I must point out that beyond knowing that I have a womb, I have no idea whatsoever as to what the rest of my internal genitalia is, as no one has ever checked beyond that point. So if its discovered I have other boy bits internally, the whole question counts for nothing, but…
Given the whole ‘feminist lesbian’ group, who believe you cant be a woman unless you ‘in every way’ present as a woman, stance (no!), against the whole young Trans Activist thing, who believe that someone who hasnt even reached puberty, let alone the age of consent just be allowed to change gender (equally no!) battle that is going on, I’ve decided to take the ‘easy’ route out, and declare myself Intersex, which strictly I am, but it takes a whole lot more explaining, but anyway…
(For those not up on the matter, it means, in my case at least, that I have the most obvious boy bit at present, but equally I have a womb, which most would say is one of the more obvious women bits, but anyway. As to what else I have in there, probably best I dont know! But the thought that struck me is this, if I only have one boy bit, and I get rid of that, does that actually make me a natural woman?
Given that nowadays they dont actually remove it, just using the flesh to create the vagina, I guess that strictly I wont get rid of it anyway, but equally, if it was meant to be a vagina in the first place…?
Strictly, as I say, it really doesnt matter, all my paperwork says I’m female, even without the bits being bobs, and besides, assuming medical permission for the surgery given things, I plan to get it done, so… But yes, just an interesting thought, if all my bits are then female, does that mean I’ve transitioned, or do I become a natural woman?
So yes, as my dear friend Kiefer suggested, this has to be the obvious song. Just that most people would assume Aretha, so coming out of left field, its Carole King, who actually happened to help write the song, as well as, in this case, sing it.
Foxy lady on the run?
I know, two in a row, but lets get them out of the way when I can remember what the blog subject is, OK? Probably nothing tomorrow mind, just saying.
A couple of days ago I saw an article which saddened me, but didnt surprise me, in truth. I dont expect every in my life for there ever to come a time when the LGBT hate percentage reaches single figures, let alone zero. But over the last decade or so, the reported homophobia/LGBTphobia percentage had been going down. The last survey a couple of years ago showing 25% of people being anti LGBT people, from dislike, to downright hate. Too high I grant you, but better than the 34% it was a decade ago. This year, for the first time since 2007, the figure went up, back up to 28%.
Of course the increase may not be a genuine increase, its just that now, with seemingly the whole world swinging further to the right, it might just be that people are more emboldened to say what they really think. It certainly seems the case in the US, and has been so for a while, but now it seems to be growing in the UK too. I suspect, as I say, that some of this is people who never liked LGBT people, but didnt say anything are now opening coming out and showing their hate, though I suspect others are being influenced by social media and friends too.
Especially when you see pieces that show LGBT people infecting others by spraying them with ‘gay water’ and the like, which is comical, but frighteningly, some believe it. There is also the fact that so many LGBT people (notably a group of Lesbians, and young Trans Activists) nowadays believe they literally have to get in the face of straight people to get their message over, rather than polite education.
I dont see what straight people have to worry about in truth. We dont secretly slip potions, or inject people with anything that instantly turns them gay. I hate to break it to the cranks, but it cant be done. Though mind, its believed all people are born bisexual, its just that tradition, and peer pressure means that most believe that boys will date girls, and anything else will destroy the world. Sorry, it wont! But equality, when there is a group of lesbians who wont date bisexual women because they might taint themselves with a date (or more) with a man, what hope is there of putting on a united front?
I know, I’m preaching to the converted, the LGBT haters arent going to read a blog by me, lets face it. But if any read this, just ask yourself why you’re afraid of LGBT people, realise how daft you are, and accept us. No, feel free to be an ally, and no more, thats all we ask.
Of course, if it makes someone feel better about coming out, by thinking I’m twisting your arm, or your mind, with this blog, why not? But I’m not, OK?
Right, the video. most women of my age nowadays, chasing younger men, or women, are known as cougars. But guess what, we used to be called wily old foxes. And yes, who knows, very soon, I might be out there, on the run for a young partner to care for me? Tenuous, but its the excuse for tonights glam rock video, just saying…
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