Category Archives: Transgender

Does A Doctor Contemplate My Fate?

Well, indirectly, though they wont know about it at the time,yes, they will.

Assuming that the fairly obvious is correct, and after the bone density scan, they do decide that my issue with my back is osteoporosis related, there are a couple of fairly obvious supplements I could be given to try and ease, and hopefully cure the issue, to some degree at least. One is calcium supplements, which would help to strengthen the bone, which I’m pretty sure is needed. The other one, and more relevant to this blog, is (o)estrogen supplements, as would be given to menopausal women under these circumstances. Yes, I’m sort of doing the double spelling thing here, as both options seem equally used, though I will settle for the estrogen version from now on, when writing this. In fact, its quite possible, and some say quite likely that I will get both!

One thing I’ve always said is that if the situation arose, where I felt the need, or desire to have the actual Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS), then I would get it done. In truth, the main reason I’ve put myself off it, is the surgery issue, I’m not one of those people who love pain, in that sense at least! So given I have no sexual desires, and no partner, or potential partner who wants to get close in that way with me, I’ve passed on the matter, up to now.

But yes, I have had a think about it, and I’ve come to the conclusion that if a doctor, or group of doctors think I should be on estrogen supplements, then maybe I should take that as a hint that I really ought to take that last step to womanhood after all. I know, its still going to hurt, but I’m not sure it could be much more hellish than the pain I went through before getting on serious painkillers for the fracture in my back. And hey, lets face it, if anyone ever actually enters my new vagina sexually, I will be amazed. But yes, going to meet my maker, as a proper woman, it would be nice, I must admit.

But equally, I’m not going to be the one that actually makes the decision for me, as in truth, I’ve got a life now that suits me fine. All my paperwork says I’m a woman, and thats the main thing for me, but all the same…? So yes, if I get put on estrogen supplements, for my osteoporosis, I’m going to take that as a signal from a doctor, or ‘higher person’ that I really ought to become a woman for real. I know, a proper get out, but at least this way, I know its destiny, if it happens, which is fine by me.

I suspect its fair to say that therefore, a number of people will be hoping that the doctors do decide to put me on estrogen, so I go ahead and do it. There might be one or two hoping otherwise, but I suspect the vast majority who know me, and know about me would love to see me do it. Hell, I’d probably be glad I did it, after its done, but just at the moment, yes, the pain issue concerns me!

But yes, if in about 6 weeks time, or so, I announce that the decision is estrogen supplements for me, and I try to get out of this, dont let me! An angel will have contemplated my fate, made that decision for me, so…it will be done! Mind, unless someone wants to pay for me to do it privately, the length of time it might take on the NHS, well who knows when it will actually happen lol?

Oh fine, I might have given a couple of clues to the video here. This is a delightful live version, from the concert in Manchester that happened after the awful events there at a concert earlier this year.

Well, if I have to take estrogen supplements?

Yes, fine, to keep people updated on matters…

Initially, as reported in the last blog, the view from the Doctor’s surgery, post X-Rays, was to wait a few weeks, see how things settled down, and then decide what the next step from there would be. I’m assuming that was based on what the hospital told them, and that a couple of days later, they saw the X-Rays for themselves, because when I came home from work on Thursday (Yes, now its kicked in, the medication is fine to allow me to go back), I got a message that the surgery had been trying to contact me, and I needed to ring them the next morning. No, it wasnt hard to work out what it was about, lets face it. Anyway, a few minutes before I was going to ring them, they rang me, and told me that having discussed the matter (and I assume, seeing the results for themselves), they had already decided to refer me for a bone scan.

I know, doesnt sound good, does it? Not surprised, but anyway…

Of course, one of the more fascinating options, if it does show as osteoporosis (and this referral is rushed, if they dont think it is), would be to put me on estrogen supplements, to try and build bone density, as they do with post menopausal women, which lets face it, I pretty much am! Yes, I would, given the opportunity, no surprise there.

The thing is, having got all my papers nowadays as female, but being very single, and being unlikely to find myself in a relationship, and not being a lover of unnecessary pain, or surgery, I had sort of decided that I wasnt going to ‘bob the bits’, or more technically correctly, go in for the sex reassignment surgery, which strictly would be the final step. Even more so, given the body is clearly in even worse condition than I thought it was lol! No, I dont think they’d do the knees/back/genitalia combo all as one!

But all the same, it did start me thinking, that if, and at this point, it is only an if, pre bone scan results, I did start loading up with estrogen supplements, should I take all this as a hint that I really ought to get my body changed, so that everything is fully female? Let me say at this point, I will only even consider this, if I do get to take estrogen tablets for osteoporosis, as otherwise, I’m pretty fine as am. But yes, I do wonder if this is a hint from ‘higher authorities’ that I should be doing the full transition, hmm?

Not saying yes, not saying no, but I suspect I would take less convincing if the seemingly inevitable happened, to take that big last step. But yes, at my age, and state of health, that surgery might still put me off! 😛

Right, video time. There are some great songs, that no matter how I try, an I going to be able to directly link into a blog, and tonight I’ve decided to provide one of those, as I cant think of anything that obviously fits, that I havent used before. So, a little classic Roxy Music, live…

I’ve known from the start

Oh fine, I’m lying, I only wish I had known I was a woman all along, but anyway…Yes, the clues were there from an early age, but how was I to know?

But yes, one thing I’ve known for 18 months at least, is that at some point, I’d complete the full circle, and fly somewhere on a passport that said I was a woman, and tomorrow is that day. I know, no one at the airport is even going to realize how special that moment is to me, because to them, I’ll just be another woman checking in, going through passport control, and other stuff.

So after that, I’ll have had the full set, a male passport while ‘living’ as a man, a male passport when I’d transitioned in every way except the passport, and now, finally, the full female self. And a different name for each too!

I know, its silly, because everything in life is equally important, but for a traveller like me, this passport, and the chance to use it, is just so special, all the same. But yes, that moment when I will do the last thing I did as a man, but never as a woman according to the legal niceties, has only a few hours to go now, cant wait.

So, if you’re flying through Terminal 1 at Manchester Airport tomorrow, and see a very happy old lady, there’s a fair chance it will be me!

I will be amazed if anyone has heard tonights video before, unless like me, you’re a big Rocky Sharpe fan. But yes, the clue is in the blog title

The Sun Always Shines, With TV

So yes, its official now, I’m on an extended break, that just happens to include 10 days in an apartment in Hollywood. So yes, planning, and plotting is very much under way. I now at least have 1 definite booking, a walking tour of Hollywood, on my last full day in town. Yes, I know, not the best timing, but its only happening once a month, and yes, its got to be done, as I know the lady acting as the guide, not only through Twitter, which is where I first met her, but also in real life, given we toured the Hollywood Museum together, on my first trip across, just over 2 years ago. Since then she’s got married, become a mother, and yes, I’m proud of her for that.

The Brooks movies mentioned earlier in the week are almost settled, but technically not definite, due to my regular issue with US websites, of that unless you, and more importantly, your credit card have a zip code, they’re impossible to use on their site. So now I cant do anything until after I’ve got there, so just having to hope its not a sell out, as I will be annoyed if it is. Fingers crossed, it is the Egyptian Theater, it is quite large, but… Of course I have no idea if UK websites are equally bad for users outside of the UK, so forgive my grumbles if they are.

I’ve also been trying to work out when Clayton Kershaw will be pitching for the Dodgers while there, based on the 5 pitcher rota teams use. Having pitched last night (a win), and counting forward, it looks like I’m going on the 23rd. But yes, I’ll wait nearer the time, and will probably be an ‘on the day’ purchase at the stadium, though at what I can afford to pay, I’ll be so far from Kershaw that I would see him better on TV lol! Oh, and if anyone could arrange a meet with Vin Scully, I would be thrilled, schoolgirl like!

Talking of which… On my 2 previous trips to LA, I’ve tried both times to get tickets to see Jimmy Kimmel recording his show, with no success. It might be that the people controlling the tickets see a UK address, and dont let me have them accordingly, or I might just have been unlucky? Well, this time, I’ve changed my profile to fit the zip code of my apartment, and applied several times over for both him, and James Corden, so fingers crossed I get to see one of them at least.

Of course, in an ideal world, I’d be the one being interviewed about transgender diversity issues, and trying to get an acting break, but fine, I’ll settle for being part of the audience, I guess? Yes, you never know, but I suspect pigs flying are more likely!

Oh, and finally, I’ve got a lot of the packing done. Probably more dresses than I will possibly need unless something amazing happens, but better safe than sorry. Still got room in the case for more, but mustnt go too mad, as I really shouldnt need more, for 10 days, and I’m sure I will bring more stuff back with me anyway. Green Card, or working visa would be handy lol, but cant see it!

Right, video. This time of year, its pretty fair to say the sun shines most days in LA. Thankfully, the winter was very wet, solved a lot of drought issues, if not all of them. Oh, and I might shine in a TV audience at least. Oh, and how does this guy still look so good?

All crazy now?

Now, just for once I’m going to get serious here. I know, I’ll soon get over that, but for better, or worse, thats what some people think will happen with this issue, and to some degree, they’re wrong. In fact to a large degree, but anyway… Oh, in case you were wondering, and I suspect that all readers outside the UK, and some inside the UK wouldnt know, this week is Mental Health Awareness Week.

I’d love to say that my first contact with a Mental Health unit was when I began transitioning, because back in 2004, when that happened, the only way you could start to transition was with a visit to such, and for want of a better term, be declared mentally ill, because you felt you had the body of the wrong gender. Yes, seriously, just 13 years ago! In truth, I have no idea if that rule still stands, and if not, when it was stopped, so please dont ask! Try Google, lol!

I think in hindsight, its not hard to see now, that the serious depression issues I had in the 90’s did relate to the whole transgender issue. No, I didnt know that was it back then, but after that, it hasnt been hard to put two and two together, and actually make four about it! And yes, its far to say that I was still battling depression all the way up until 2010, when I finally took the first real steps to transition, and lived life as I should have done for more than 50 years! I wouldnt say things are perfect, even now, though its pretty much so, all the same. A lot of stress doesnt help, so yes, the 15 months or so without a job didnt help, but I’ve fought back now, hopefully to a good point.

The thing is, for some people, when you talk about mental health issues, they think back to the asylums, and the ‘crazies’ that used to live in those places. For better, for worse, and I generally believe for worse, those places are pretty much gone now. Medications, and treatments are a lot better, but the opportunity for some to just get away from the cruel world, for a short time, or longer, well its fair to say some still need it.

But most issues nowadays come down to depression, stress, and other related illnesses brought on by modern life. Hopefully minor, but sadly some more serious, but yes, they definitely exist. For me, the worst is hopefully in the past, but for others, not so. And yes, I guess I’ve looked into it more than most, mainly since 2004, but I saw some of the other side of it before then. Anyway, one of the related things happening at work, is the instigation of more mental health first aiders at work, and yes, I will be applying for such a role. Its not as a medical position, more of being someone there to aid, and support those who need it, like I needed it in the past, when this sort of role didnt exist.

But let me just say, that trained or otherwise, if you see someone feeling really down, and its safe to do so, talk to them, try to help them if you can, or set them in the right direction to get help, just saying…

I have in the past, tried to bring videos of groups to peoples attention that you might have missed, and tonight is one of them. Not their greatest hit, by any stretch of the imagination, but its apt, in a sense, for tonight.

And yes, if you want an ugly wife, I am available lol! 😛

That annual ‘delight’?

Yes, the calendar has crept around again to that annual music fest known as the Eurovision Song Contest. In truth, I’m old enough to remember the days when there waas one show, consisting of just over a dozen countries, from Western Europe, and that was it. Nowadays we have 2 semi finals, and then a final to survive, as the breaking down on the Iron Curtain, and the breaking down of the Soviet Union, and other assorted East European countries means there are over 40 entries nowadays! And yes, a couple of them arent even in Europe!

Politics have ensured that Israel counts as European for so many things, and Eurovision is definitely one of them. Of course, the first Trans winner of Eurovision came from Israel, Dana International! Pretty sure there have been a few more trans entries since, but as I havent watched it in years, I have no idea. Oh, and when Australia became part of Europe, no idea!

The one thing that always amuses me is how people talk about how ‘political’ the voting is nowadays, but in truth, thats always been the case! Though to be fair, there probably wasnt quite the block of voting that there is nowadays with Eastern Europe, but yes, it did happen. Greece and Turkey, UK and Ireland, of course they voted for each other happily, not! The one thing people dont realize nowadays, is that it was only in the 1970’s that songs didnt have to be sung in the national language. Clearly that was the rule in 1974, when some unknown group called Abba won it, but I have a funny feeling that may have been the first?

No, I wont be watching any of it next weekend (9th – 13th), but I’m sure millions will, if only for the sheer kitsch of the event. I wonder, if when the first one was held in the 1950’s, with a handful of entries if they ever imagined it would be like this now?

Right, video. I’ve gone back to my own personal glory days of Eurovision, from the 1970’s, though not Abba. This one won it a year later, and the resemblance, I’m sure, is purely coincidental, lol!

Your eyes adored me

So fine, you might have had a long wait for a blog, but then, assuming I can come up with an idea for tomorrow, 3 come along together at once! Yes, bank holiday weekend bonus for my readers. By the way, if anyone has any requests for tomorrow night, feel free to suggest away. I do have one amusing idea, but I would need to get permission off someone to post it, so possibly not?

One thing I knew I wanted when I started to transition was a decent cleavage. Not anything ridiculous, just enough to make it clear I was woman, but something more than the little natural bumps that I have. For many women, this choice involves lots of money, some invasive surgery, and a bit of a health risk issue. Yes, breast enhancement, or as it is better known, a boob job!

Well, given that I’m not a fan of health risks, and more surgery than I really need, and the fact I didnt have the money, I looked for alternative ideas, for ways to have a nice cleavage, without the pain, or the money. What I found, and have used are a similar breast form to the ones they offer to women who have had to have mastectomies, though given the price I pay, I’m sure mine arent as good as those ones. But given they’re made of silicon, they mould to the body nicely, they have a suitable weight to them, and in truth, in a bra, under an item of clothing where you cant see them, they give you a nice shape. Fine, they wouldnt work in a cleavage revealing dress, but as I hardly ever would need to wear something like that, not an issue. Alright, it might be fun if I could, but I get by without that, all the same.

As you might guess, especially given that I wear mine full time, other than when in bed (I have a foam pair for that time), they have a limited life span, of about 2 years, or so. For about 6-8 weeks or so, its fair to say that the left breast has needed replacing, because the skin surrounding the silicon has started to split, and though leakage is pretty much non existent, and therefore its usable, its not at its best. And then, in the last week or so, the right one has started to do the same, so I’ve ordered a new pair. Probably not bad timing before LA, in truth. So yes, I jokingly posted on Facebook that I’d put myself in for a boob job, but this is as good as it gets.

Mind, if someone wants to pay for me to go under the knife, and get a ‘natural’ pair of boobs, feel free to make an offer lol! I have to say, that in public life, my current system works nicely, there has been a few occasions when mens eyes have failed to raise higher than my cleavage, it has to be said. But fine, in the unlikely event I had to ‘lose a few layers’, it might come as a disappointment to some! So, as I say, if someone else wants to pay, I might brave it lol, would be more fun for September, and the wedding I’m a bridesmaid at, for sure. So…? 😉

Right, video time. As so often, a clue in the blog title, though I did tweak it a bit!

Womb with a view?

Unlike some Trans women, I’ve never missed the fact that I didnt have the chance to give birth to children. I know, lived all my life as a woman, I might feel differently about the whole matter, but I doubt it! I might even be up on some of those women, given that I actually have a womb, that never developed, probably for the obvious reason, but yes, as I found out about a dozen years ago, I do have one! Too old to be a mum to my own child now, but anyway…

Do I think that at some point it will be possible? Yes, would be the answer, especially given that the initial development of an artificial womb is in the process of being tried out, admittedly not yet on human children, but give it a few years…

Also, at the moment, Trans women wouldnt be able to produce an egg, let alone conceive a baby from one, but I’m sure that in time, yes, that will happen, with genetic engineering, and all that, in the future. Even more so for those with a womb, undeveloped, or otherwise. Me, I’ll probably be forgotten by the time its possible, but it will happen, I’m sure.

Equally, I’m sure that Trans men will be able to father a baby too, probably using the same genetic tricks. Again, its going to be a few years, but equally sure it will happen. What I’m also wondering, especially for Trans women, currently without a womb, will these external wombs be able to be fitted internally one day? Again probably, but again, probably not in my time. But for future generations…?

Me, happy to pass on all this baby love stuff, but I know others feel differently, so…

Yes, that last line gives a big clue to the video. Shows how old I am, I had the single of this, so many years ago!

I know a place to go…

…and avoid at least 10 days of the election hype that we’re now going to have thrust on us, yet again! With luck, I can avoid a lot more than that, but that at least is guaranteed. Yes, could hardly ignore the announcement of a General Election at the beginning of June, could I? No, given my job in the Civil Service, and the fact that my readers will cover the range from Labour, to UKIP, I’m not going to give my views here on any issues, so dont ask! I will vote, and I have a good idea who I will vote for, but I’m not saying more.

The only blessing, as I say, with the timing, is that I’m going to miss 10 days of the campaign, while away in California. Note, I left out the word ‘relaxing’ because in all truth, there will definitely be a good percentage of the time when I will be trying to sell myself to people, or at least I hope there will be. Fine, I will enjoy myself as well, but yes, its probably my last big chance to make it in LA, so…

Fine, I’ll have to kick my unofficial press officer (yes, she will know who I mean!) and see if she can perform miracles at getting me noticed in LA. Yes, Madi, I am joking really, but if you can…lol!

When I was last in LA 18 months ago, I registered with a Transgender Talent Agency, and dropped an email to them, knowing I was only in town for a short period of time, to get myself known with them at least. Yes, she picked it up only after I’d come back, but said to give her notice when I’m going across again, so today, I have! Even if it doesnt provide instant offers, at least she’ll know me, I’ll know her, and who knows where it might lead from there? Movie fame, I doubt it? A decent run in lesser roles in theaters, well who knows, just maybe? I know, it might lead to more, but I’d settle for that chance for now.

Should anyone want to stun her, by asking about my services, before she meets me, the agency can be found here Mind, you need to ask for Harlean, not the name suggested by the blog lol!

Sadly, I’ve heard no more about possibly working on a documentary over there, down in San Diego, so I’m assuming thats not now going to happen, but I will drop a line at some point, just to make sure, but fine, that was maybe hoping for a little too much? But if you dont try?

Fine, I might hope that one of the chat show hosts might have been, by chance looking at the Civil Service Blog, and seen my piece, but I would say that ranks somewhere between no chance, and less, but hey, until I come back, you never know? Lol! I must also contact that lovely lady who interviewed me 18 months ago, and see if she wants to do a follow up, or not?

In truth, I only wish I had the time, money, and holiday allowance to extend the holiday by another fortnight or so, and miss the whole ghastly General Election experience, but not to be. Yes, I would still vote, I’d get a postal vote, if that miracle happened! I’ll start one of these funding campaigns if someone wants to provide for the extended stay, mind. No, thought not!

But yes, I know a place where about 650 people will be seeking a job at that time, and 1 person who will hopefully be doing the same in La La Land! I know who I suspect will be more successful, but…?

And that last comment, and the blog title leads to tonights video. Two Petula Clark classics for the price of one, and before you think that its a long video, the last 2 minutes can be cut off easily, and not miss anything.

Dont let me out of here!

No, dont try and think of a song with that title lol. Its a line from the video song, mind. Which is an extended version of an 80’s synth classic! Confused? You’ll find out at the end of the blog.

In truth, it will be a nice completion of the circle if my last office job was in the Civil Service, because in truth, one of my very first interviews as a 16 year old was that sort of work, just a different ministry. That was for a junior job in the Ministry of Defence, which I didnt get. But anyway…

The only interim element of the Civil Service that I had in the interim, were the very hilarious Yes, Minister, and Yes, Prime Minister on TV. I dont know if that was anything like the Civil Service back then, or not, but I know its not true nowadays. But yes, most will remember the Permanent Secretary, Sir Humphrey Appleby, and wonder if people really acted like that?

In truth, thats the only clue I have to what a Permanent Secretary in a department does, and I’m sure that today, and possibly even then, it was an over exaggeration of the role, anyway. Regardless, I wouldnt expect someone of that importance to notice little old me. Wrong again!

I got back to work on Wednesday, to an email sent on the Tuesday by the lady who did the in person interview with me, that the Permanent Secretary of our department had tweeted about me, and our piece! Wow, just wow! I will probably never meet him, but to know that someone in that position of importance, had noticed the piece about me, wow! Then on Wednesday, my unofficial press officer, Madi, told everyone in our department about the piece, though I know a good number knew before then anyway. Still, if Madi helps to get the message about Transgender people to more people, all kudos to her. I’d better mention someone called Lee at this point, doing his bit on Facebook, or I will get ‘complaints’ during the week lol!

The other comedic touch of the week relates to that big sporting event I mentioned earlier in the week, that happened yesterday, the Grand National. I do my best to study form, find 3 horses I could fancy for the race, and 2 of them fail to finish, and the other was 16th! The comedy moment? The office sweepstake, where I put my hand in a large envelope, pulled out a piece of paper with a horses name on, and got the winner!

Yes, dont let me out of that office until retirement, I love the place too much. Oh, and after tomorrow, I wont be one of the newbies, as a new group start their training tomorrow, and though they probably wont read this, I wish them all well. Oh, and next time they apply for applicants for the grade up from mine, I might well be applying! Oh fine, I plan to. It might be a while, its just happened, but it will happen, I’m sure. There is a plan to let me do some shadowing before then, to see whats involved, which might be handy.

OK, video time. When it comes to synth groups who didnt make it big, and I have no idea why, Ph.D would almost top me list. Jim Diamond did go on to solo success, so maybe that counts, but anyway? This is a super, extended version, and no, before you ask, neither lady is me lol!