No, hopefully not me going, literally, but yesterday, I took note that the countdown to my neurologist appointment (at long last) was down to 3 weeks to go. In a sense, I’m slightly nervous about what they might find, especially since the recent repeat bout of seizures, but at the same time, I’ll be so glad to know what it is, or at least, hopefully find out what the problem is. I’ll be honest, if its something that means my time is nearly up, then so be it, though that might leave me with one interesting decision to make, but more on that shortly. Of course, it might be that whatever it is, with the meds I’m already on, and maybe something else can keep it all under control, then great. But I must admit, the wait to find out has been pretty agonising, for sure.
I must admit, I knew what the NHS was like, and that means I’m not totally surprised that its taken 3 months from the initial seizures, to get them even looked into, let alone any action taken. Its supposedly free, but in truth, we pay for it with deductions from our wages, but at least we dont have to pay crazy sums to get things to happen, on top of that. Yes, USA, I’m looking at you again. Again, today, I’ve had a friend over there surprised at how long this is all taking for even the first step, and I had to smile. As I pointed out to him, if I had the money to pay for the neurologist, the MRI, the EEG, and heaven knows what else private patients might get thrown at them here, or that you, or your insurance company gets billed for, this would have been looked into, soon after the initial seizures. But it isnt, so…what will be, will be, and no, that isnt the video! I suppose that unless its something that is ‘bad’ by the time it get looks at, that wouldnt have been ‘bad’ in March, does it matter? Well, beyond my worry about it all, probably not.
But yes, lets face it, absolutely, I’m thoroughly looking forward to having my brain wired up to an EEG, and granted, the MRI will be an interesting experience, thats for sure. Fine, its not going to actually do anything interesting to my brain, but a girl can dream. Going to be fun getting my earrings out for the MRI, as they have been in for years, so removing them might be a challenge.
Given the number of medical people who have told me I wont be working again, I’m assuming something is faulty enough to make that a foregone conclusion, when checked over. I dont know if the fact if I’m only 5 years from retirement anyway plays a part in that, in that its not working the challenge, or whether it would be the same if it had happened at 31, and I doubt they will answer that! But yes, hopefully 3 weeks from now it will all be confirmed, and I can stop worrying about it. In truth, yes, the brain is ‘busted’, its not going to work normally again, of that I’m sure. Even on a good day, I cant talk well for long, and on a bad day, dont ask! Besides that, my mobility is now rubbish, about 1000 yards/metres on a good day is about it, and on a bad day, nearly 100, if I’m lucky! So walking for buses/to work, and doing strings of phone calls, no chance!
The other interesting thing over all this, is a pledge I made a while back, which I assumed I wouldnt be thinking about for at least another 5 years, but seemingly… I stated that once I retired, all things permitting, I’d complete transition, most notably getting my bits bobbed, girl style! Yes, I’ve already been reminded about this, lol. In truth, I have no idea that the hormones and other stuff I would need to do (including the surgery) will be compatible with what I will need to take for the brain, but yes, I plan to find out, once confirmed. Yes, I really will! As I said to someone today, it will be nice not to have to worry about what I wear after surgery, in the sense of concealing bits, and being able to flash boobage, because it will all be natural. No, I dont think latex will be in my wardrobe (sadly), but more clinging, and revealing dresses, just maybe…? 😉
But yes, whatever the news, whatever the decision, I’ll just be glad when I have it all checked out, and confirmed. Less than 3 weeks now, I hope!
OK, video time. Feeling wicked, as per the first half of the blog title. Yes, I know the quality isnt great, but its so rare to find Manfred Mann actually singing live, I thought, what the hell, and went with it. Its not hard to find a non live version on You Tube, if preferred.
Lets say that this might be getting a little bit ahead of myself, but given comments I’ve got from 2 sets of medical people in recent days, quite possibly I’m not, though equally now, I do wonder if I’m officially healthy enough for a certain option to happen, rather than being able to bide my time?
Yes, those of you with reasonable memories, and who have been reading these musings for a while, may remember that during Transgender Week of Awareness last November, I pledged that post retirement, I would actually go ahead and get the ‘big snip’ done, never imagining just how soon that moment might arise? Well, at this point, pre blood tests, pre neurological checks, and probably some heart checks too, I dont officially stand at a point where I’m immediately looking at medical retirement. But yes, over the weekend, the thought did more than cross my mind.
No, I’m not considering not going through with the pledge, all things permitting. Firstly (though seemingly likely), its not yet confirmed that I cant recover sufficiently at some point, that I will be able to go back to work. But fine, unless my speech improves dramatically, fairly quickly (I’m 61 already, lets face it), I wont be able to do call centre work, lets face it. Equally, there is the counter issue, my health. Would they actually be happy to do the sex reassignment surgery on someone whose health is as questionable as mine is now?
One thing would then be for sure. In good time, post-op, the issue of a ‘little bit’ that a chorus girl dancer’s outfit might tend to reveal, would no longer be a concern! In truth, I have no idea how the timing would work out. Strictly, I’ve lived as a woman for nearly 10 years, so that qualifying period is more than over. Equally, though that ‘little bit’ hasnt worked in even longer than that, I havent actually been taking female hormones either. Indeed, another thing, as well as the actual surgery that I’m not sure how keen they would be to let me do, given the seizures, and stuff?
Anyway, lets see what the results of the tests are first, shall we? So what do you reckon, was it someone trying to stop me being a chorus girl, or was it someone trying to ensure I become a proper chorus girl, with proper bits? Hmm?
So will it be 5 years time before I complete transition, or a lot sooner? Or, hopefully not, medically unable to do so?
OK, video time. Just over 40 years ago Supertramp were one of those bands you tended to avoid admitting you loved. Probably still are, but I’m past the point of caring! A lovely live version from more recent times
Right, for the handful of people who dont already know through Social Media, I’d better let you know (as a bonus blog) the news re my health issues, namely my wrist.
I shocked the doctor by appearing at his part of the surgery on Wednesday (I see the nurse re my pill check appointments) to get it checked over. No, thankfully, its not another bone fracture, just a totally worn out joint/tendons in my wrist. The official name for it is Tenosynovitis, but if you think of RSI, its not much different to that. Basically, after far too many years of thumping away on computer keyboards, my forearm is making an official complaint about that issue, lol. Seemingly not terminal, and a period of rest should improve it, which is what I’m doing for rest of the week. Doctors advice on Wednesday was not to do much typing before end of week, so I’ve learnt the delights of trying to type (to some degree) with my right hand! I’ve also now got the forearm in one of those compression sleeve things, hopefully that will improve circulation, and help with healing. Not that the expert I spoke to at our own Health Group People this morning seems all that impressed by them, but anyway… They’re going to arrange Physiotherapy for me for it, anyway. I think a new body might be easier, but anyway… 😉 Something like this, maybe?
Yes, some might recognise her, its the earliest picture I have of Clara Johnson, from 1929! Might need her dancing skills in March, anyway!
Oh, and last amusing moment, the doctor asked me when I was planning to retire, in that tone of voice that suggested that it was a case of the sooner, the better! So if anyone has a spare couple of hundred thousand pounds laying around, I can make him happy! I’ll go down that route, as I doubt any wealthy man (or woman) would want to marry an old Transgender crock like me! 😛 Half that, I could retire from work, full amount, well, I might know a nice place to live in Portugal, so… 😉
Right, video time. For once, totally unrelated to the blog. This is because yesterday saw the passing of one of the great geniuses of the Punk era, in Peter Shelley, best known as a member of the Buzzcocks, at the age of 63. Now, I know I’m getting old, lol. RIP, Pete! Probably their best known hit!
One thing I’ve had to accept is the fact I’m getting old now. How much longer I’ve got, who knows? How much longer (given the pain I’ve got now) I want to last, who knows, but in this current organic body (yes, I’d love a cybernetic upgrade, if offered, lol), I dont want it to be forever. Whats the pleasure, when you’ve got a body with permanent ache, and lets face it, even if its now my personal choice (due to no pleasure in surgery pain), I’ve got a body thats screwed up gender wise too! If asked my ambition, I’d aim for a few years of retirement, but not too many, then just leave the world to the next generation. Fine, we dont get all the say we want in that matter, but anyway… But yes, I’ve started planning for the next stage now, that of retirement.
Let me say, I have no idea if my body is still going to be up to work by the time I hit the current retirement age of 66. I’m hoping it is, to build up the work pension, but in truth, not sure that I will. But while I can, I will, at least unless they change the retirement age for women again, something I think that despite campaigns, is not going to happen, but besides that… Not going to hold out for the suggested compensation payment either!
But yes, facing facts, as things stand, just under 6 years from now, I can retire from work. Now, I probably will. Until the back went, given that I could have carried on for a short while, I was considering October 2024 as retirement date (50 years of working life), but now, the sooner the better!
Anyway, last week, got an email at work for a pre-retirement advice course from work (well, I work in right department, lol), but unfortunately saw it one day after the closing date to apply. Anyway, yesterday, got an email that someone had dropped out, I was top of reserve list, so now I’m going. Just under 2 weeks time, in Leeds. I hope I can learn a lot, including how you apply to a previous job for your pension that they owe to you, when you’ve had 2 name changes, and a gender change! I guess the name change isnt going to be new to them, women get married, lets face it, but the gender change might be new to them! Thankfully my National Insurance number hasnt changed, so they should be able to trace it, but… Another advantage of that, payment was due to start at 63, even when the retirement age was 65. It wont be a fortune, but if it makes the differenece between the need to do a 3 day week from 63, instead of a 4 day week, might be handy!
But yes, who knows where life will take me between now, and then, anyway? But hopefully, on 2nd July, I can learn a lot more about that next step in my life thats fast approaching. No, I dont expect the robot body offer in my lifetime, lol!
Right, the video. I always assumed that the US Sports video of this song was the original one, but seemingly not! Bit dated with things like £1 pound notes and the like, but hey, its old, just like me!