Category Archives: gender dysphoria

To be someone who could really be loved?

Or more strictly, the title should probably just be called ‘Reality TV Roadcrash’, because from what I saw in the trailer item yesterday morning, and the non bigoted tweets about the show on Twitter last night, thats pretty much what it was.

Monday mornings, even on Bank Holidays, the TV options tend to be less than exciting generally, this one was no exception. So I ended up switching on the Breakfast TV show on BBC, mainly to catch up on the news, and the weather, and whatever other rubbish they cover in between.

Because it was a Bank Holiday, I turned on towards the end of the show, rather than the beginning, as I would normally on a working day, and towards the end is when they tend to go with the ‘less serious’ stuff, as they’re getting ready to hand over to the next show. Which was a consumer affair related show, that the facts were just so wrong that, well, I had a good laugh at that too.

What they were talking about yesterday was some reality TV show on a rival channel last night, and seemingly again tonight, called Genderquake. Given it seemed to want to include just about every ‘non binary’ (ghastly term) group of people, it seems the people were young, loud, and the type of people that a boring old ‘lady’ like me would avoid like the plague. Dont get me wrong, I am fine with whatever term people wish to use to describe themselves, I just dislike the way some over react when people get it wrong accidentally, not accepting that the difference between a non binary person, and an intersex person may not be entirely obvious to everyone! In fact, strictly, due to having an undeveloped womb, I’m probably more strictly intersex, than trans, but for the sake of convenience… I’m Trans!

Now to be fair, I took the choice not to watch the show last night, nor do I plan to watch it tonight. Last night, fine the snooker final was on, but I would have probably avoided it regardless. But anyway, seeing the show was ‘trending’ on Twitter, I thought I’d dip in after the event, and see what it said. Lets ignore the bigoted, and anti-LGBT rants going on there (especially anti-trans) , because there are people who are always going to be like that, lets face it. Hopefully in a few decades time, maybe not, but for now…?

To be fair, the actual show comments were hardly flattering about the people involved. It seems there was people outing people who didnt want to be outed, there were others saying horrible things, because not everybody in the world had declared undying love for them, and lots of stuff like that. Of course, we boring, just get on with life type Trans folk dont make good TV for the companies producing junk like this, do we? Lets face it, a 60 year old, just going about her normal daily duties in life isnt the controversial image these people love to create! Ah well… The only sad thing is, too many people think all Trans, and Non Binary (heaven knows how many of these titles there are now?) act this way, when the majority of us dont!

Fine, rant over!

Video time. There was only one song that immediately came to mind that focuses on more than just Trans folk, and this is it. I know, could have used the video, its over 2 years since I did, but then I found this live version…


The name may change, but does the person?

Pertinent question, you might say, for anyone, for whatever reason changes their name by deed poll. Some like myself, do it as a sign of a change in life, in my case transitioning, but equally for many, its because of a wedding. But does that change the person too?

Despite what some say, especially some comedians, most women dont change after marriage beyond the name. But for me, changing name, and more importantly changing gender was an amazing release. All of a sudden I was no longer trying to live a lie, I really was me, a woman in nearly all senses of the word, and believe me, the one thing that marked me as a man hasnt functioned for years anyway! Well, it does in one sense, but not in the way that marks you as a man lol! I would say it fires blanks, but nowadays it simply doesnt fire at all lol!

But for me at least, the change was far more than that. Its possible to say that hypnosis played a part in making me the confident woman that I am now, and I’m sure to some degree it has, but the thing was, finally, after all that time, I was the real me. No pretence, as Helen Reddy said, I am woman, watch me run, and I certainly have since then, and I love it.

Even so, back then, if you’d told me I’d be buying shoes with a heel, I would probably have laughed at you. Now I’ve got 3 pairs, even if one of those is a wedge, so a slight cheat, and neither of the other pairs are of the towering, or the narrow kind, just not practical with my knees, even if I wanted to. Now I go out in public in skirts, and of course, even more famously in a dress, and love it.

So yes, I’ve definitely changed beyond just the name, but its all for the better. Just a shame I wasted so many years of my life trying to be a man, but so be it. Now, I feel good, and thats the main thing.

Right, the video. Funnily enough, just the opposite situation here. Mention a group called The Brotherhood of Man, and everyone would think of the group that won Eurovision in the 80’s. Funnily enough, there was another line up of that group, and not one of them is in the line up that most people know. Yes, you might recognise one of them, its someone who has appeared before in my video collection, Tony Burroughs.

I love the title as well, it sums up beautifully what the whole LGBT community has to do, to stand united.


Its funny how these things happen, isnt it? Very happy being single, so it doesnt matter if you have the ‘right bits’ down below or not, and then it creeps up on you. You start chatting to a guy via a Forum (no, not a dating one, heaven forbid), and you start to get on alright, and then things move on, and so…Its strange, someone who has posted a few comments on here in the past always told me that somewhere out there might be the guy for me. To be honest, I always thought that a crazy idea, but now I’m beginning to wonder myself.

No, its definitely not love, I’m so far from a point where I could fall in love with anyone, that I’m not reaching that point anytime soon. But like, and even maybe like a lot, then yes, I’m beginning to feel that way about him strangely enough. But yes, you’ve guessed the obvious snag to anything happening, he thinks I’m a woman. Well, alright, in all senses but one I am, but as far as a guy, and sex goes, thats a pretty big thing that lets me down. Well, OK, that thing isnt very big as such, but its not the right thing for a woman to have lol!

Thankfully, though perhaps with a tinge of sadness as well as everything else, its not a relationship thats going far anyway. I’m in Yorkshire, he’s in California, and thats a lot of miles between us. Possibly its for the best, as I’m not entirely the woman he’s looking for. Maybe 90 odd % of me is, but the critical bit isnt! But yes, for the first time in an incredibly long period, there is someone out there who I fancy meeting for reasons more than socialising, and yes, alright, much to my surprise, I feel good about that. Also I suspect I’m far too imdependent by now to really live with anyone, as a couple at least.

Adding a touch of realism, it might be a case that even if I did have all the ‘right bits’, it might not come to anything, indeed quite likely it wouldnt, but you never know. Sadly, because of my gender dysphoria, I’m never likely to find out anyway! But hey, its been a long time since I felt this way about anyone, and I’m surpised how much I enjoy it.

No, its not tempting me to look for anyone else, I’ve had enough knockbacks in my life, that I dont need more of them. But yes, James, I never thought I’d say this, but you might well have been right about that special someone all along. Just wish I was 100% what he wants though!

Oh, and an early hint, 2 weeks yesterday, I’ll be even more decrepit than now, numerically at least. Yes, on the 16th, I will reach the grand age of 54. The only thing that really frightens me about that is the fact that I’m only 6 years away from the old peoples bus pass over here, aargh! Anything Brooksie inspired, especially e-cards from anyone would be appreciated. A quality (and I do mean quality, as I’d want to wear it out) ‘helmet’ wig, preferably dark would be heaven, if anyone has more money than sense! My hair is good everywhere but the fringe, if I could solve that, I wouldnt need a wig, lol!

Music, a wonderful piece from the 70’s, and yes, as so often, the blog title is the giveaway here. I remember the Dooleys, do you?

So In Love?

Yes, I might actually have been at one point, but when your body is playing as many tricks on you as mine has done, can you really be sure? Yes, I lived with someone for 12 years, the only meaningful relationship in my whole life, but even then, the last few years werent really as a couple. I knew something was wrong, I just assumed it was her and me drifting apart, but shortly after that I was fortunate enough to discover the real reason why, and since then, beyond one very brief attempt, I’ve been wise enough to give up on the whole romance thing, probably for the best.

Of course one major factor back then that probably didnt help any relationship, was trying to be a male partner to a female. Having a female partner was fine, its amazing how many transgender people are ‘same sex gender’ in their desires, but I didnt know that at the time. Now in all honesty I suspect I’m too independent for a relationship, even as a woman, lesbian relationship or otherwise. Also I doubt I could find a partner with such a total lack of interest in sex as I have anyway! I’ve also got to a point where making new friends is tricky for me, even where I’m accepted as a woman, but I suspect thats more because of the years of trying to be someone I really wasnt, than anything else.

I admit it, in recent times I’ve wondered if I was really in love even then, or was I just trying to conform to how people saw life should be? Hey, even I couldnt answer that one honestly, even with this much retrospect involved. I think, and certainly hope its easier for this generation than mine, it does seem slightly easier to be gay, or trans nowadays than back in the 70’s and 80’s, even if not yet perfect, especially in some parts of the world.

I dont think now, that even if I had all the surgery, that my attitude to love and sex would really change, its all too ingrained into me now. Twenty or thirty years ago, who knows, but its purely a hypothetical question of course, it didnt happen, and probably wont now, so the matter is unlikely to arise. And no, none of those I knew back then know about the new me, I do wonder how some would react though? Mixed bag, I suspect.

Right, thats enough musings for tonight, lets get to the video. Anyone old enough will have worked it out anyway from the title, and even more so if, as they should have done by now, they’ve worked out I might be an OMD fan! So here it is,

Cant Help Falling In Love

Oh, did you think you were getting some details on my post romances? Ah well, sorry to disappoint. There was only really one, and though we stayed together for 12 years, it wasnt ‘a fine romance’, but most of that was my fault, and my body problems, not that I knew why at the time. She’s out there somewhere, but wouldnt recognise my name now, even if she saw this.

So alright, its about contriving a blog to fit tonights video find, lol!

Its funny how some cities you visit, you instantly fall in love with. I can only really think of one in the UK that struck me like that, and that would be Inverness. Dont ask me why now, that was over 30 years ago now, and though I havent been there in a long time, and have no idea how its changed, I will always have a soft spot for it.

As has been mentioned before I believe, there is one US city that captured my heart the first time I saw it, and thats Seattle. Maybe its the weather, maybe its the people, or a whole combination of things, but its one of those places I look forward to visiting again, maybe next April if things work out. The only US cities to even get in range are Chicago, and San Francisco, and the latter isnt just because of its whole, very relaxed attitude to LGBT people, though I suspect that might count as a bonus. Chicago, I have no idea why, just had a good feel while there.

Two others deserve a mention, one being my new love of this year, Toronto. I know, its cold in winter, but I almost suspect I could live with that given the chance. Tallinn in Estonia is the other. Like Inverness, the first visit was a long time back, and indeed my only visit so far, and that was 14 years ago now. Again, I suspect a lot has changed there since then. And like Toronto, the winters are a bit chilly lol!

Its actually very windy here tonight, though not as bad as some parts of the UK all the same, thanks to the last remnants of Hurricane Katia, thankfully all will be gone before Saturday when I fly out to Boston. Cant see me falling in love with the place, didnt really do so first time around, 23 years ago, so cant see why it would now?

Oh alright, enough waffling, you want to know about the video I guess? Its hard to believe how long this band has been together, and the line up has barely changed in all that time. Irony is the name of the band refers to the unemployment benefit form of the time, though they certainly havent been out of work since then! It is a cover, but thats something they were good at, excellent cover versions.

So no more, hope you enjoy

Everything But The Girl

Yes, this time you get the group name as the title, rather than the song. Just seemed more suitable that way, lol!

Though strictly I’m everything but a girl in one sense, its safe to say everything is wired female, but for the body! Though nowadays, but for one obvious thing, even that is pretty female nowadays. If I could only find a surgeon willing to adjust that for me, I could forget about all the hassle with the NHS, and not worry about anything else.

Oh alright, there are 2 ‘important’ set of people who insist I’m still male, the tax office, and the passport people, though ironically both are more than happy for me to be a Ms though! I can see their point in all honesty, I do still have male ‘bits’, but I’m living as a woman, so…swings and roundabouts I guess? Work is a mystery, they have me registered as a female, but ‘prefer’ me to use male toilets! I suppose if I was more miltant, but that really isnt my style, ah well…Similarly, I do wonder how they would react if I wore my enhancers to work, though in all honesty, I need them less day by day, but do enjoy being buxom, grin! Equally, I’d love to wear them to fly to and from the US, but being silicon in nature, I think security might object lol! Or am I wrong on that front?

So technically I’m everything but the girl, though thats probably the most important bit! I do wonder how potential employers would react to me though? Any genuine trans friendly employers out there I should know about?

Sorry, I know its been a few days, blame the shifts I’ve been getting at work for that. Off noiw until Wednesday, so I suspect you might not have to wait as long for the next post!

The song, some prefer the original version, some prefer the Todd Terry mix that made this record chart, I rather like both. And yes, you could say I had been ‘Missing’ for a few days.

One Small Day

Yes, you will get the video of this fantastic Ultravox song at the end, but this blog is more about the lyrics, I must admit, especially the words of the chorus.

How many times has it turned against you
How many times will they walk away
One day where I didn’t die a thousand times
Where I could satisfy this life of mine
One day where every hour could be a joy to me
And live a life the way it’s meant to be

One day where I wouldn’t feel my senses die
Where nothing made me hang my head and cry
One day where I could see myself as others do
Where I could feel the strength of love at hand

One day where I didn’t die a thousand times
Where I could satisfy this life of mine
One day where every hour could by a joy to me
And live a life the way it’s meant to be

(Copyright Ultravox, of course.)

Just think how relevant some of those words are to a Transgendered person, to have days when life would be a joy, because you would be living it in the correctly gendered body. And unfortunately, the nature of being transgendered does mean that some people will turn against you, just for that reason. And yes, there have been times in the past when I have felt like crying over it, and indeed have even done so, but hopefully I’m beyond that now. Life isnt perfect, without the right physical body, its never likely to be so! But at the same time, maturity, and hypnosis have certainly calmed the worst of woes. I doubt anyone will be surprised to hear I’ve suffered with depression before in my life, but again that seems to have been salved by hypnosis, the best thing I ever did.

One small day, I might be able to live life as its always meant to have been, but for now I’m doing my own thing, and thats far better than the strange life I lived for so many years without knowing what was really wrong.

Sorry if this has been a bit whiny, but had a few issues the last few days (work, travel and things mainly), so just using this as a vent.

Alright, the video link,

For those who like to know these sort of things, the stones are Callanish, on the Isle of Lewis, and Billy Currie, the keyboard player is from Huddersfield, where I live.


In the living years

The song talks about the gap between the generations, and its safe to say that in my family at least, my being transgender created a major gap between me, and my one parent who survived long enough to find out, my mother. My actual father died while I was still young (11 or 12?), so he certainly never knew about it, though as even by then I was reading pony story books, not more manly stuff, there might have been a sign, even back then!

To say my mother had a major fit when she found out, would be to put it mildly. No real shock there I guess, but all the same…we did talk again before she died, but lets say things were never all that civil between us after she found out.

But the funny thing is, it may not have been as big a shock as it was, if what I’ve discovered since is true. It seems around the time of my birth that several thousand children (at least) were born hermaphrodite, presumably due to something medical the mothers were being given in pregnancy (this was only a few years before the whole thalidomide thing raised its head btw), and that doctors/parents simply decided what sex to make the baby, not waiting a few years as they probably would now, but this was the late 50’s, so…As someone has suggested to me, its more than possible I was one of those, and they got the choice wrong, simply because it seems my mind was in all likelihood wired female before puberty anyway, but too late to do much about it.

Yes, I’m annoyed, my whole life may well have been better had they not made this call, assuming that is the case of course, and I have no real evidence, the hospital I was born at was demolished a long time ago. But with all thats happened, I do have to wonder…

Oh, alright, for those who only come here for the music videos, here’s a brilliant song by Mike and the Mechanics, the title you’ve guessed by now I should think.

Wouldnt it be good?

I was trying to think of some lyrics to fit in with tonights idea, and these came to mind. Copyright Nick Kershaw obviously

Wouldn’t it be good to be in your shoes
Even if it was for just one day
And wouldn’t it be good
If we could wish ourselves away

Wouldn’t it be good to be on your side
The grass is always
greener over there
And wouldn’t it be good
If we could live without a care

Yes, its a transgender matter, so if thats not why you’re here lol…

The main snag for me, and I suspect most transexuals is what they term body, or gender dysphoria, which to put in simple terms means the brain is one gender (female in my case obviously) while the body is the other gender, causing personal confusion in certain matters, especially sexual ones, well for me at least. Now I know why a penis felt all wrong (even when functional, which it hasnt been for years!), its because I should never have had one, but try working that out when you’re young, and dont know all these things.

But the biggest irony is, the only way I can find out if a woman’s body can now feel right for me, is to have Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS), and that for some is a drastic step, especially if you arent 100% sure. I dont think I have that problem, but….wouldnt it be good as per the lyrics to be able to ‘live’ in a female body for a few days before then, just to find out if it is really you? I’m not saying how much expensive SRS it would stop, but if it saved those who have problems post op from going through that heartache, then just maybe? My personal feeling is it should be one of the early stages of transition, that could also avoid hormonal imbalances if done at an early stage.

The snag with that theory is basically facial, because unless you’ve done laser/ electrolysis off your own back, an mtf is going to have facial hair problems at that point. Also the dear ‘adam’s apple’ thing as well of course. An ftm would have less problems in that sense of course, but there are still differences to get used to. But as an mtf, I’m mainly looking at this from my angle anyway.

It surely cant be that hard nowadays to design a bodysuit to fulfil that role, I guess the main problem would be in designing something material wise that could be worn long term, would need a sort of lycra/silcone magic combination lol, to give the form, but give the wearability. The big snag still would be facial, I know there are such things as female masks, but have you seriously seen one that looks like a real woman?

The funny thing, I’m asexual, as I’ve said before, but that doesnt mean I wouldnt love to find out what its like to make love as a woman does. So yes, ideally the suit should be up to that, even if the man would have to wear a condom lol!

So yes, it would be good for me to be in a womans shoes, even if it was for just one day, but a longer trial would be better. So all you inventors, and designers, get to work!

I suppose I ought to give you the song lol, though its not the greatest video of all time,