Category Archives: About me

Choosing My Religion

Well, if anyone was expecting something Halloween related today, you’re going to be disappointed. Thats because today, thanks to a friend telling me, its the 500th anniversary of the day when Martin Luther nailed the 95 theses to the Church door in Wittenberg, Germany. Well supposedly is, there is some feeling that it didnt actually happen, but 500 years on, proving it, or disproving it is nigh impossible, so lets just accept it for now. But yes, regardless of how it was done, it happened, and the Roman Catholic Church, which had reigned supreme in Europe until then, got a nasty surprise! Yes, the Reformation era had begun.

I’m not going to go through the whole history of everything, my knowledge isnt all that great, and Wikipedia can tell you all you need to know in truth, far better than I can. Equally, lets just say he wasnt perfect. He was anti Semitic, no fans of Muslim people either, but of course, 500 years on, trying to define on what led to those feelings, who knows?

My religious upbringing was a complex one. My Father was of Irish, Roman Catholic ancestry, my Mother came from Irish, Protestant ancestry! How they got together, who knows? All I know is that my Mother had to become Catholic to allow them to be married, but whether matters have changed in the 70 years (nearly) since then, I have no idea. All it meant was that for the first 10 years of my life, I went to a Catholic Church, and indeed, as I was trying to be a boy back then, I even served as an altar boy. Then my father left my mother, and I stopped going to a Catholic Church, and ‘changed teams’ lol. Then somewhere around 16, I left school, and slowly, but steadily, I stopped going to church every week. For a few years, I still went from time to time, but by the time I moved to Somerset in 1983, I’d stopped altogether. I was still Christian, you understand, just not a church going one!

And in truth, thats pretty much where I’ve stayed from that day, until then. I went a few times at Christmas in the past, but other than that, no. And yes, they were all definitely Church of England, not Roman Catholic. The last time I went to church, for a service, was at a Reformed Church, in Albany, to hear said friend preach, and to enjoy the whole service. Since then…

No, I have no time for those ‘fire and brimstone’, so called Christian Preachers in the US. Not that they would have any time for a bi, trans woman anyway, but thats beside the point. I did actually, when in Seattle in 2003, get invited to a service, not realizing it was going to be one of that type of preacher. I had to stifle several giggles, as he proceeded to say terrible things about Gay people during his sermon, I must say. No, the person who invited me didnt know at the time, nor did I tell him afterwards. The amusing thing was, that this preacher was quite keen to help me find a job over there, and that as far as he was concerned, the immigration issues could soon be got around, by his friends. No, I never did take up that offer, never saw him again. In fact I was offered other jobs while out there, but I said no, thinking I wanted to come back to the UK. What would have happened if I’d accepted, I will now never know.

But yes, October 31st may be famous for being Halloween, but its also Reformation Day, and this year, even more so, its 500 years since that incredible moment, for Luther, and history.

The video, yes, I spent at least 15 seconds choosing this one lol. Though my blog title might be more apt today?

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Back on the high stage again

No, dont get excited, I havent got a movie, or theater offer just yet. But next month I’ll be doing a Diversity & Inclusion presentation for a large group of people (about 110, I’ve been told) in Leeds, about life in my Civil Service Department, ooh! No script, well, not unless I write my own, anyway. To be honest, I might do a few notes, but generally I’m pretty sure I’ll just go with the flow, so often its the easiest way with things like this. A fortnight on Wednesday, for those interested, though I’m pretty sure there will be no tickets for the general public lol. Yes, it is a piece on Transgender life, so yes, I do know the subject matter pretty well, I guess?

Seemingly the approach was made on Thursday, though I didnt pick it up until Friday, as I’ve cut back on my working week of course. A quick check for approval from bosses (its on a working day), and I replied positively. One moment of amusement was when she rang up later that day to confirm details, she mentioned the numbers involved, and asked if I would be OK with that, and then after she’d said it, remembered I’d said about being an actress, so…all fine! In truth, it will be interesting to see how I react, given its been a while, other than the wedding, where I have been ‘on show’ to this number of people, but I’m sure its just like riding a bike, anyway.

I have no great idea what the dress code is for a presentation like this, but I’m going to assume, unless told otherwise, its going to be business smart wear. So yes, I will wear a nice dress, and get my hair curled 30’s style, either on the day, or the day before, depending what time I need to be there. No, I wont wear anything as clingy as Harlow would, or as revealing as a chorus line dancer (Miss Johnson) would have to for such an event, principally because I have an obvious issue with too revealing (unless a surgeon is offering to remedy that quickly), and besides, its not fit for a moment like this. I think my ‘publicity manager'(Yes, Madi, I mean you) would love it if I went all flapper, and agreed it might be fun, but apart from the fact those dresses are quite short, they arent winter wear over here, and November might be cold lol! So I’m pretty sure that it will be 30’s look, to some degree. More classy look anyway lol. There is also the factor that I need something that I can hide the brace corset underneath, lets face it, only way I’m going to stand for about 15 minutes or so!

No, sadly I’m not expecting any Hollywood, or Broadway agent representation at the event, a girl can only wish! Nor do I expect them to be able to grab it on You Tube either, ah well…

But who knows, getting back on a stage might just get infectious, and I’ll see where it goes from there. In truth, my long term standing issues might make things complex, but…its a comeback at least!

The video, well, its one word different to the blog title lol! 😛

Seasons In The Sun

Its probably fair to say there are 2 stages in my life. The first one lasted 42 years or so, when I tried to be a man, probably failed miserably, but at least I gave it a go. As we now know, wasnt me, but anyway…Then, early in the new millennium, by the magic of the internet, I finally found out what was the matter with me, and as they say, the rest is history. Yes, this century started in a sketchy way, where I tried to live 2 lives, or is that more correctly, 2 genders at the same time. In comparison, the last 8 years or so, since when I’ve been living to various degrees full time, as a woman only, been so much easier.

One issue it quickly created, is that in terms of friends, there is pretty much no crossover from the 2 stages of my life. In all honesty, apart from my mother (now departed from this world), there was no connection in my life pre 2001, and after 2001. No, you dont want to know about my transgender coming out, and my mother, you really dont.

Thankfully, in 2001, I managed to find myself a new group of friends, who accepted me for what I was, and at that time, it was pretty much of a mental mess. Since then, I’d like to think I’ve got better, not altogether hard when I’m living as I should be, nowadays. And thats right, back in 2005, 4 of us moved up to Yorkshire together, to start again, in one house. And until today, thats the way its always been, but no more. To be fair, Dave was 84, so had lived a good life. But yes, cancer is horrible, and thats what took him in the end, finally leaving us this morning UK time. I might only have known him for about 17 years, and lived with him (prior to Yorkshire move, he lived separately in Cambridgeshire, much of the time) for about 12 years. So yes, going to miss him a lot. In all honesty, my current ‘family’, for want of a better term care for me more than my own (fine, it was only my mother) did when I got away from that stage of my life.

So yes, strictly, in bereavement senses, he wasnt family. In truth, he was more a part of my family than my true family ever was! So RIP Dave, and thanks for everything. Thankfully for him, the pain is now over. And yes, more praise for work, in bereavement leave sense, he counts as part of my family, and I’m grateful for that.

The video? Well in truth, I couldnt really think of much else, so…

Do I need an agent?

And yes, before anyone gets any ideas, this blog might be a ‘slightly’ tongue in cheek look at recent events.

Firstly, it amazing to look back on the last few weeks, and realize just how much my confidence has been boosted by transitioning. Apart from the general stuff in life that I feel so much better about, the whole self publicity development has been amazing. A few years ago, if you’d asked me to do various pieces about my transgender life, for pieces to be published, and the like, I probably would have done it, but been concerned about the results. Now, in the last month or so, I’ve done a teleconference, a pair of interview pieces, and just loved every minute of it. Yes, there is a new one for work, coming out for Transgender Day of Visibility, on Friday, but given I havent yet got a snipped copy of that at home, you’ll have to wait for that one, assuming I can get it here. Please remember, I am not technologically minded in the slightest, so I do tend to rely on others to do the clever stuff. However, the first one, well…

You’ll have to blow up the image to see all the details, but I’m sure most can cope with that?

As far as I can see it, Friday marks the end of the LGBT Pride celebration season, so life might return more to normal after that. Though if Jimmy Fallon wants to interview me in May, count me in! Yes, I would, and probably love it, both for the campaign, and the publicity! No, I doubt he will see this! Is it James Corden the other one, a Brit, so maybe even better? Fine, I know… But yes, if I can make anything happen in Hollywood, for me, or for LGBT issues, then great! Just give me advance warning guys, so I can bring a nice dress!

On a more serious note, its sad to see events around the world relating to Transgender people, and of course, events in certain states in the US distress me greatly, but hey, thats politics for you…facepalm! I only hope that in 10 years time, there will be no need for TDOV, because its just an accepted thibng, but somehow, I have my doubts. Hopefully it will happen, though whether that will be in my lifetime?

Currently, I have 1 ‘meet and greet’ I’m planning towards for LA, with a Transgender Talent Agency I signed up with online. Whether it leads to anything, who knows? Whether there is anyone else that wants to interview me while in town, on LGBT, or Trans issues, or to rekindle my acting career, feel free to shout, and arrange. But maybe, after next Friday, until Hollywood, I might get to live a little bit of the normal life. Or maybe not, wouldnt that be fun?

OK, for once, the video bears no relation to the blog. Someone posted this on Facebook during the week, and it is so 70’s, that I just have to use it. Yes, fashion might have been an issue back then lol!

No, I know nothing about any of the artists, or dancers, before you ask!

Put on a little make up, make sure they get your good side

Oh fine, if you’re old enough, you should know the video lol!

In a sense, the last few weeks have given me a glimpse of the movie star lifestyle, if not the movie star money! Seriously, if you’d told me all that I would have done in the last few weeks in the way of discussing my lifestyle, and diversity issues a few months ago, I’d have laughed at you. But yes, its happening, and in an amazing way. No, I havent yet had to discuss my latest movie, or acting role, though maybe at some point? I know, in my dreams! But yes, you go to Hollywood to make your dreams, and where am I heading in May, but…? 😉

Today marked the latest interview on my transgender lifestyle for now, though it might not, if I’ve heard anything positive about the Diversity committee application I did a few weeks back, which closed just as I was coming on holiday. I’m sort of assuming no news, means no position, given my line management would surely have been told, if it had been positive, but I will see on Monday, I guess? I do know I made someone else’s blog last Friday, but as the news only reached me after I’d gone off on holiday, I havent seen it yet. All I can say is that the DWP is an amazing employer for anyone LGBT, and leave it at that.

Unlike movie stars, I dont get chauffeured to my interviews, I have to rely on the buses. Which is fine most of the time, but unfortunately, today wasnt most of the time! Fortunately the lady who was interviewing me was also running slightly late, so we arrived at more or less the same time, quite handy. I then had further fun getting home, but not dramatic, and it didnt matter so much anyway. Maybe I do need one of those mobile phone things, darlings! 😉 I know a number of people who would say I do, and I have to admit, if I am going to become a major Transgender/Diversity advocate I will, though only for those reasons, honestly! No, it wont be a flash smart phone, believe me, unless someone else is paying!

Oh fine, if I get as many interviews in my 10 days in Hollywood, I’ll be thrilled. No, it wont happen, I’m sure, but I can dream, for now at least!

The make up side of thing relates to events on Tuesday, when I had the previously mentioned semi-perm make up top up session, in Thatcham. Yes, the eyebrows are even more 30’s styled, though of a sensible width, unlike then, and the lips now have that cute Harlow rosebud enhanced too. Sadly Paula couldnt make me look like a 25 year old version of Harlow, but no one is that good, especially with 59 year old material to create from! And no, I’ve not been shrunk to 5 ft 2 ins tall, either!

OK, the video. I do drink (a little), but dont smoke, but with my asexual lifestyle, subtle innuendos are probably out of the question too!

Sliding Doors

Well, this will be my last post in my 59th year of this life. Yes, I know, I will be 59 tomorrow, but if you think of it, given that you’ve lived one year, before you become one…oh fine, you did! I also say this life, because as I know, I definitely have had one life before, almost certainly more, if the theory is right, but fine, now, the one before this one is a bit special to me.

Mind, you can start from there in this term I guess? If Clara Johnson hadnt smoked herself to an early death in the early 50’s, would I have been born? I assume I would have done, that someone else who had died by then, would have been my past life, but anyway? But would I then have that special connection to the Golden Age of Hollywood, who knows? Maybe not, or it might have been a more famous one, of course?

Tonight though, its that other sliding door that intrigues me, given the likelihood I was one of those born intersex at birth at around the time I was born. No, I cant be certain, ever, because the hospital I was born at, closed in 1967, and somehow I cyncically have my doubts whether the intersex babies were ‘officially’ recorded then anyway.

So, lets look at the possibility that the doctors decided (in their wisdom) that I was allowed to be a baby girl, where my life would have gone from there. Clearly its impossible for me to know what it would have been like, being a teenage girl, going on dates, and everything else. I’m also assuming that back then, those dates would have been boys, just because it was the norm, and expected thing back in the early 70’s. It might have led to marriage, it might have led to having children, and in time, grandchildren, or would I have been one of those ‘wicked women’ who lived with another woman back then?

Who would I have known, that I’ve never met in my life, because of that misplaced gender? Equally, how many people have I known (I can certainly name a few) who I would have missed out on knowing, if I had been a woman? Where in the world would I be today? I know its possible it would still be Huddersfield, and working in Bradford, but lets face it, the chances of that happening under those circumstances, miniscule. Equally, I might have, like Lillian Gish, gave up any interest in romance, to develop my talents, and lifestyle as an actress? In which case, like Clara, I could be in Hollywood, making movies? Well, you never can tell!

Sat here, writing blogs, if I’d been a woman since birth, again, who can tell? I doubt it, but just maybe…? One thing is for sure though, unless we can turn back time, to that day, 1 day short of 59 years ago, and take the other option, none of us will ever know for sure!

As to the obvious step I could still take, the answer is probably no, I’m not a fan of unnecessary pain, and I’ve already got a pair of knees that will need to be fixed sometime soon. So yes, I’ll probably end up as that crazy old spinster, assuming I live long enough for all that lol!

But yes, on that day in 1958, if the Doctors had told my parents that they had a baby girl…history would be very different, I suspect?

The video is from the film of the blog title, and is probably a song that Aqua should be better remembered for, than Barbie Girl!

Love and hurts

I could jokingly say that today I underwent pain, and torture, but I might be exaggerating a lot, even though my body was waxed all over. It had been far too long since last done, but in truth, beyond brows, under arms, and err, bikini line, nothing really hurts all that much with me, as even after about 18 months, most of me really isnt that hairy, but hey, its fun to lay it on a bit. Thankfully, that was the pain part with Linda, and I can now look forward to the pleasure part of the experience on Thursday (my birthday, hint, hint) of a massage and facial. Believe me when I say that my body more than needs both!

Yes, there was a purpose to the ‘torture’ today, as I needed to get my brows removed, given its time for the semi perm make up top up on Tuesday lunchtime, and clearly the brows need to be gone for that. So yes, get the whole lot done while I’m at it! Will also be getting the lips touched up, and presumably the beauty spot as well if it needs it (Pure Harlow touch) at the same time. I have to admit that did hurt the first time I had it done, but the top up before wasnt too bad, and I’m sure that will be the same this time too. Certainly a blessing that gets around my inability to do my own make up, due to (very slight) hand tremor.

Paula does say she’s going to rise to the Jean Harlow challenge, but if she can take 35 years, and 7 inches off me, I’d be amazed lol! Mind, I’d enjoy it if she did, has to be said!

No, the love isnt real, just one of those silly girl crush things. Last night, I flexed off an hour early to get off on holiday, complete with a pair of birthday cards, and a bouquet of flowers from Madi, a lovely touch. No, she isnt the girl crush! In truth, all I know about her is that she lives in Bailiff Bridge, but presumably works in Bradford, as its generally in an evening that I see her on the bus. Sadly, or maybe for the best, I’m pretty sure she has a wedding ring on. In truth, I have no idea why she appeals to me, she is very slim, which really isnt my type. She’s also not sensationally blessed on looks, though she’s not hard on the eye, all the same. But fine, she’s cute, and she’s caught my eye, for sure. Yes, she was on the bus that I got because I flexed off an hour early, win, win! Only thing was, me carrying a bouquet of flowers, good thing or bad? She probably thinks I’ve got a partner/admirer who gave them to me, so even if she was planning a bi moment, she’d think I was taken too. Fine, there is about as much chance of that as me winning the London Marathon, but anyway…

Amusing touch is that she reads on one of those Kindle things, but sadly I very much doubt its any of my stories lol! Equally pretty sure she wouldnt fancy me anyway!

Right, video time. It also hurts me when I realize this song is more than 40 years old, as I remember when it was released. A group that didnt have many hits, but are still going, seemingly.

I win again?

OK, fine, under normal circumstances I’d probably have spread this out over a couple of blogs, and saved me thinking up subject material, but then I heard something tonight that I will need to comment on, which will have to wait until the weekend, but…

Well, as amazing as it sounds, 6 months ago tomorrow, I started a job, my first with all female paperwork. Fine, it was only the passport before, at the end for Hills, but it was still a landmark. Well, people already know how its going, so I wont mention too much on that here, you already know how much I’m loving it. So, whats the landmark, you ask? Simple, something called the probation period. Yes, strictly it ended today, but given today was my day off for the week, I got my confirmation paperwork last night to confirm I’d passed. Fine, I’d been told before then it was going to be the case, but even so, actually having it down on paper, is a lovely thing.

So, as I joked last night, short of a good acting offer, or a Californian millionaire of either gender whisking me off my feet, and marrying me, thats my job plans settled for a while, hopefully until retirement. Doing the same role? I would say probably, but you can never tell with these matters, though I’ve certainly no great management plans at this point in my life, but who knows? Not to say I wont be putting myself forward for challenges, as the DWP are looking for people to serve on the Diversity committee, and given I qualify on age, transgender, and sexuality (I’m claiming bi, if ever interested), hopefully they will see me as perfect material! It would be a fascinating thing to do, good for my CV (though hopefully I wont need that again), and something different in life, all of which will be good for me. Fine, I may get beat for the role, but I’m up to challenge for these sort of things, and not so long ago, I’m sure I wouldnt have been.

Thanks, DWP for everything, this lady is proud of you for everything. Especially as it was one their ladies, in the Huddersfield Job Center, who directed me to Civil Service Job pages in the first place!

The other big news, I’m probably going to a wedding later this year. No, not mine…yet! A wonderful friend in the US, who I’ve known online for ages, but so far, yet to meet, named Stacie, got proposed to at the weekend, and said yes. Yes, she wants me at the wedding, though I trust not as a bridesmaid! No, Stacie, dont! Which means that she is currently trying to plan events around my holiday in her area of the US (well, close enough) in September, which seems a bit of a short period in time to me. If it doesnt happen then, put it this way, I’ll be doing everything in my power to get there when it does. But yes, I wish her, and Eric all the best, whenever it happens!

Oh, and lastly, I’m a natural blonde again. Oh, I wish! No, I just look like one for a while, having got my hair colored, and cut today. Sadly, it wont last forever, but for a few glorious weeks at least, I’ll look the part! Then I’ll be an ‘assisted’ blonde again lol!

OK, the video. A Bee Gees song, but not them singing it! You might have heard of Gary Simmons in my postings before, and this is one of his, with his regular job, the tribute band, Jive Talking. Song, I think you might have worked it out!

Truly Jean Harlow? Only in the land of make believe!

Oh fine, if that title doesnt give away what the video is, I give up!

Its fair to say that in the last 18 months or so, I havent taken as much care physically of myself as maybe I should have done, but the irony is, since I’ve had the money again to do so, I havent really done a lot of that. Maybe because I now have the challenge of finding the time for everything? And ironically, just as I need to do it, I hit another bottleneck in getting things done. Yes, its called needing to work on Tuesday’s! I know, it means having Saturday’s off, but getting bookings at beauty places on a Saturday, not so easy.

My hair has at least been colored in November, but is now a bit overdue, to put it mildly, but now I’m trying to be tactical. Practically, I want to go to LA in May, freshly blonde. I know, still wont be natural, but…thing is, if I get it done now, its going to (realistically) needed about a month before then. I know, modern stuff, would probably be fine done professionally, but alright, I’m a Yorkshire lass, so spending more money than I have to…snag is it will either have to be this week, or next week, if I want it done before I head South (more on that shortly), as the following 2 Tuesday’s, I’ll be working! Hmm? In truth, I’ll probably end up doing it this week, if I can get an appointment at late notice.

Oh, and my feet are long overdue some TLC, which is my own fault entirely. I used to make my next podiatrist appointment at the previous one, so I had to go, but when I started work, I didnt know how my hours were going to go, and fine, it hasnt happened. Again, I must try and make that appointment on Tuesday at least, though practically, its going to be my holiday week in March before I get chance to get them done, I suspect.

The other thing I do need to get done, even if remarkably I’m not that hairy, is to be fully waxed. Most of which is just to get it done, but the eyebrows need doing for a special reason. But fine, I might as well get everything done in 1 go, so…

Why, you ask? Because next month, at the beginning of my week off in mid March, I’m going down South for what I jokingly call my Jean Harlow makeover. No, sadly not true, though how I’d feel being 25 again, and only 5 foot 2 inches tall, I have no idea. Mind, if anyone should know how to do it, count me in! Just over 2 years ago, as the longer term readers will know, I had some semi permanent make up done by a wonderful lady, and friend, in Newbury. Me, I have a very slight hand tremor, but doing my own make up, no chance. Now I’m due for the top up session! But yes, one of the things to get done, is my eyebrows (not true Harlow, I’m not a fan of that 30’s look), and they need to be hairless!

Yes, I suspect it will hurt after this amount of time, and I know my underarm hair will, but the rest should be fine, I hope? So yes, yet another appointment I’ve got to make!

In theory thats all the ‘treatments’ I need to get sorted, and then continue until the end of the year, when I suspect more serious surgery might be needed with the right knee. No, that I definitely am not looking forward to, but after that tumble, what looked probable, has become almost definite, sadly.

But yes, if any ‘mad scientist’ has a chamber they want to try out, that will literally turn me into Jean Harlow, then fine, call me quick! 😉

The video, as I say, given away in the title, enjoy…

Another change in the work life

No, please dont get all concerned, I’m not losing my job, or even changing my job at present (would need a good acting/modelling offer to do that), just a few things changing with my working life.

The first of those actually happened yesterday, the system we use at work got changed, hopefully for the better, but I think its fair to say its hard to say on the basis of just one day, but seemingly everything worked, so fingers crossed…?

However, the one I’m really going to notice starts next week, when the working hours I’ve just got used to, after 3 months (first 3 months were on different training hours) of working from 12 till 8 during the week, all get changed. Fine, not massively for me, I’m going to be working 11 till 7 instead, but fine, I’m going to miss that hour in bed of a morning, all the same. I know, I get it back at the other end of the day, so I doubt I will lose much sleep overall, but fine, getting up at 6.20, instead of 7.20 is still going to hurt a bit! No, Saturday doesnt change at all for me.

There is a ‘swings and roundabouts’ thing that will happen that will help though. Finishing an hour earlier will mean the bus service home wont be as spaced out as it is now, in fact it will still be 1 every 20 minutes at that point, instead of trying to catch the first one for 30 minutes, and the last one for an hour. Given my experience of the 7.42 on a Friday, that is going to be a good thing. The bad thing, being seriously blonde, I changed my starting time by an hour, but left my 30 minute break at the same time, so now the first half of the day is going to be very long, the second part pretty short, but I’m sure I will live! That might be changing fairly soon, with luck, anyway.

Oh fine, the bus situation. No, I’m not going to miss getting the 8.12 bus from Bradford to Huddersfield 3 times a week, formerly 4, as the punctuality record of that bus is awful. In truth, I think its arrived in Huddersfield, on time, about 4 or 5 times in 3 months! I think I’ve missed a bus that runs 12 minutes after that bus is due in town more times than that in the same period! Yes, some of it is First Buses fault, the poor driver has a 4 minute allowance between scheduled arrival time in Bradford, and leaving time to come back again, so even if he’s a couple of minutes late, never going to happen. Thankfully the ones I will be getting have a better turnaround time, so all should, should be fine! Famous last words, I know, but…

Alright, the video. What I could say is that I never want to appear in the ‘diary’ at work (no, its not a diary, but it works for the song), but inevitably, I almost certainly will. Well, unless I get turned into a robot, or something, then maybe not lol? 😉

For those who remember Alison Moyet in Yazoo, in the 80’s, this might come as a shock, but yes, its her. Yes, she’s lost a lot of weight, for sure, congrats to her for doing so.