Monthly Archives: June, 2019

Yours sincerely, wasting away

Funnily enough, if there was ever a day designed to make me feel my age, its been today. I know, I do sort of know already, given I’m getting lined up for medical retirement and all that very soon, but even with that…

Ironically, in the post today I got a letter from my bosses, informing me of my current pension position with them. No, its not enough at present, even if I could walk through to 66, and lets face it, I’m not going to even get to 62 because of my body, and my brain, and well, everything else, I guess? At least the matter is now in process, the EEG on Friday, the MRI  within a couple of weeks of that, and short of a ‘Dr Frankenstein’ type makeover, as far as work is concerned, ‘She lives!’ on the personnel list wont be for much longer.

In all honesty now, if a miracle did arise, and they can solve my problems, its going to mess up my plans. Because, in truth, I’ve already started to plan post medical retirement. Assuming its ‘only’ epilepsy (I know, but compare to anything more critical with my brain, it counts as only), I will be allowed to fly again, and judging by what I can see on the internet, the pill I now need to take to keep the epilepsy under control, wont stop me being able to take those female hormones that will give me an amazing pair of DD boobs! Yes, kidding, I think, but who can tell what will happen, given its quite likely all my internal bits (not just the womb) are female? I doubt will get that big, but…?

In truth now, I’m looking forward to getting it all done, if only for clothing wishes, not for sex! Not having to worry about clothing clinging to stuff I shouldnt have, and it showing, and being able to flaunt a bit of cleavage will be fun, I must say.

So yes, all permitting, after the Autumn holiday, I’ll become even more female than now, that will be good. Now they’ll tell me its curable, quickly, lol, ah well… I dont know if the following holiday to the US will be ‘latex catsuit permit-able’ (think about it), I suspect it will take longer than that, but… And no, at my age I dont see me doing the whole latex catsuit thing anyway. Well, if its metallic silver, but seriously… I’m not sure what the plans are for the following holiday to the US, because if I have retired, my only limit will be the 90 day visa, and at least a couple are looking into medical ways to let me extend that!

The other thing that made me feel old, and fragile today, I can blame on Twitter. Something called ‘Disability Compliments’ are trending on there today, and as you can easily guess, its not that complimentary to disabled people! Seriously, if you are on there, go take a look, and hopefully wince, and say that you’d never say them. And yes, I’ve been on the receiving end of a few of those, some of which I’ve added to the collection!

Oh, and top of all that, one of the cats here is also feeling her age now, or maybe has something wrong with her, because she’s hobbling around worse than me, and thats saying something. She will be off to the Vets when the others get back, I’m sure, as I’m just her temporary nurse, lol.

So yes, this is the ‘pensioner house’ at the moment, or will be shortly, lol.

OK, strictly I’m 3 years too young for this, but what else could I go with. No, I cant find a full length Beatles/McCartney video for this, but these twins are fun, and talented, so…

 

Advertisements

I was passing the studio the other day

The only snag with time travelling back to the 1930’s is if you get caught out time travelling. Its fine if I put on the Clara Johnson look, as no one is the wiser, but if I forget, or the camouflage vanishes, well…

So there I was, coolly back in 1933, walking past Warner’s studio, when I felt a hand on my shoulder, and a voice said, “Clara, so good to see you, we need you for a photo shoot right away. Just go put on a sexy dress, get down to the stills studio, and get it done.”

Well, given I didnt want her to get into trouble, what can I say, I went along with it. Short dress, showing lots of leg, enough to get the men excited, and all that. Up until yesterday, no concern, never seen recently, so I assumed it had got conveniently lost, until it hadnt!

1930s me

OK, anyone who believed that story, you’re way too innocent, even if it looks like it was taken 85 years ago, lol. Actually, it was taken about 5 years ago, but you have to admit, it has the look of something far more vintage. This fact is down to the talent of a friend named Frank, nothing to do with time travel, or studio photo shoots at Warner’s in 1933. But yes, look at those legs, lol, all me!

I assume its all done with one of these modern computer filter things, to turn this

2nd Photoshoot picture 4

into my 1930’s self! I actually posted it for a Myrna Loy ‘homage’ photo contest, said jokingly that it should look more 1930’s, and lo and behold…

But fine, if you really want to think that the first picture is genuinely me, taken in 1933, and that the second one is a colourised version of it, then fine. But which is the true story, you decide! 😉

So, you might then be asking, what was Clara doing at Warner’s in 1933, in the first place? Well, unsurprisingly, it was for one of those magical Buzby Berkeley musical numbers. Clearly she was a competent swimmer, as she is in this, see if you can spot her? Easiest in the fountain section, but you do see her in the pool too. So…?

A tainted love?

One thing that seems to have crept in with the commercialism of social media, is far too many companies trying to tweak their adverts to appeal to whichever group are in fashion at the time. So obviously in June, attention turns to Pride Month, and some firms try to make it look like they care about LGBT people, when all they are really doing is that by mentioning the subject, or maybe putting something rainbow on their banner that we will all conveniently forget how little they care for us during the other 11 months of the year.

Some fall for this, and said companies are duly grateful for said bonus business. Others just go on as before, completely ignore them, much as these companies will do with us, on July 1st! Then there are those of us who point out that the platitudes are little more than that, and suggest they do something to actually support LGBT people, and not just their profits. Today was one of the latter.

There was a group called EY asking on Twitter about who it was best for them to engage with to discuss LGBT inclusive policies. There were 3 options on the poll, none of which was the obvious answer, LGBT+ discussion groups, but all of which were groups that they would hope to grow their ‘advisory’ business through, at said profit to themselves, obviously. Their lack of response to numerous people, and groups pointing out their obvious omission to them, not a word! In other words, they wish to appear to be LGBT friendly, but its easy to see that their only interest in doing so is if it brings in business for them, presumably from people regarding them as LGBT friendly!

Mind, this isnt the worst case this month, would you believe. At the start of the month, some  company duly posted on Twitter, with a Rainbow flag under their business logo, and trying to show their love. The trouble was, someone bought up their posting from earlier this year, which showing them to be just the opposite at that point, pretty homophobic, to say the least. They hastily removed the tweet, but of course it had been reposted numerous times by then, so hopefully their so called stance was thoroughly shot down.

Oh, and they arent the only ones, thousands of companies do what I would term ‘rainbow’ postings in June, only to gain business they might not otherwise get, and nothing more. And yes, this is just the one that concerns me, they do this for all campaigns, so think carefully before you support some firms that seem surprisingly over supportive, just saying.

OK, video time. Yes, its the obvious one. Live version, very well done, long after the song was a massive hit. And yes, the opposite to the ‘Hard Sell’ some companies seem to make. It is 10 minutes plus in all, just warning you.

Leaving on a slow plane

I did actually mean to do this blog just over a week ago, on the anniversary, but various things got in the way, mainly my health. But anyway…

2019 seems to have been the centenary of a large number of events. I suspect its because of the end of WW1, and the freedom to use technology for beneficial reasons, and not just to kill as many of ‘the enemy’ as possible. In 1919, if you wanted to cross the Atlantic, you had one choice, you went by ship, and it took more than a week to do the crossing. Nowadays its possible to cross the Atlantic in a matter of 6 hours or less! Certainly, on a jet plane, I would guess (if possible) that St Johns, Newfoundland, to Clifden in the West of Ireland would probably be about 4 hours or so. Heck, I can fly from Manchester, to Los Angeles (against the jet stream) in just under 11 hours.

However, on 14th June, from St Johns, Newfoundland, 2 British RAF Officers, Alcock, and Brown, set off to do something that had never been done before, to cross the Atlantic by plane. 16 and a bit hours later, on June 15th, they crash landed into a bog, close to Clifden, in the North West corner of Ireland. There was a prize of £10,000 for doing this, which seemingly equates to about £450,000 today!

In case anyone is wondering, it took another 20 years before the first Transatlantic passenger flight happened, a matter of months before the start of WW2!

The sad thing for Alcock at least, was that 6 months later, he was dead, at 27. He crashed while trying to deliver a plane to France, and died shortly after, from his injuries. Brown, and his son both actually served in WW2, he as an instructor, his son as a pilot who tragically died in the war. Supposedly that led to his retirement, and a deterioration in his health, so much so that he died 5 years later, at age of 52.

Incredible to think that 50 years later, man landed on the Moon!

I wonder how, 100 years from now, people will travel between Earth, and probably places beyond this planet as well. One thing is for sure, I personally wont know, but I wonder if a reincarnation of myself will do so?

This song has been recorded more than a few times, but in truth, this is the group that are probably most famous for doing so

Hunting for a brain, high or low?

For any ‘snowflakes’ or similarly delicate people reading this, you might want to move on quickly, internal bits issues. All others duly warned, tale of the day.

So yes, I finally was here, the big day when I was going to get a clue about my fate in life. The ‘entertainment’ started early, as I was trying to convince my body to provide the required urine sample. My mixed up plumbing decided it didnt want to play ball, and in trying to push it out, I set off my occasional bowels issue ((blockage), and I just locked up completely for about 50 painful minutes, with nothing coming out either end, though both ends needed to, and I could feel it. Eventually I won on one front, then the sample bottle got filled rapidly an hour or so later, so…

One first today, the use of a blue disabled badge for me, in a parking space. Fine, it was Eric’s, but in truth, but for him having one, I’d probably need one now. Got weighed, 83 kg/ 183 lbs which is a bit higher than it was, but lets face it, I can hardly do much exercise in last 3 months, I’ve hardly got any mobility, but anyway… This does strictly make me slightly overweight by a few pounds, but nothing dramatic (just checked).

Then on to the doctor, and a discussion of things. Thankfully Ella was with me, as I literally remember nothing about any of my seizures, and she at least saw the last one, so was able to give details. The doctor then wanted to test my balance, by walking one foot literally in front of the other, but my balance is wrecked by my damaged knees, so it didnt get far!

The end results. my medication level has been doubled (or will be after transition week), but I was on lowest level up to now, so hopefully not a big thing. I’m also being booked in for an EEG test (to see if they can locate the issue), and then an MRI test (to see if I’ve got a brain. No, seriously, to see if its any more than epilepsy), which should happen over the next 4 weeks or so. Seems it might be related to a fall out of a loft 32 years ago, though not definitely, but it could kick in now, wow! No decision on freedom to fly until after MRI, which makes sense, but will be fine if just epilepsy, which lets hope it is, as crazy as that sounds!

I asked about work, he didnt seem as hot on the ‘never work again’ thing as some, but equally, he was talking about a year or so of recovery, and I am 61, and would then be 62, and would retire at 66, so… Besides which, my voice breaks down under stress, so could hardly do my current job, so I think it almost certainly is it, but again, lets see what the brain scan says. Famous last words… But seriously, given it all, and my lack of mobility, I think retirement on medical grounds is a certainty. In theory, I could do a non phone job, but it takes me a lot longer to do anything, so…nope!

I stated I was Intersex, but didnt ask questions about compatibility between the epilepsy pills, and female hormones. I’ll leave that for my own doctor, lol. But yes, if retired, and allowed, it is a pledge I made, lol.

That, pretty much was it. Collect my new prescription, collected some cash to get my hair done (coloured and cut) on way home. Yes, would love it done this way, but I suspect I will have to settle for modern methods

hair curling

So no, seemingly I dont get the full robot bodysuit just yet, lol. But yes, I’m looking forward to the EEG, and MRI ‘messing around’ with my mind, all the same. 😉 Yeah, I wish! Mind, if anyone wants to provide me with one, fully interfacing or otherwise…?

Right, video time. What someone might be doing, when it comes to my brain, shortly?

As long as I gaze on,Old Trafford Sunday

Well, everything permitting, and assuming nothing truly dramatic happens tomorrow, most should be able to work out what the blog after this will be about. In truth its now got to the point where I dont care what they tell me, I just want to hear the news of what it is now. At least then I can make a few plans, regardless.

So lets do something totally different, cricket. If you listened to most people in this country, there is a forthcoming series of matches, that are the all important cricket matches of the summer, The Ashes, England against Australia. And in truth of cricket history, thats probably right. But in terms of a match that easily tops that for competition, both between the players, and the fans, it happened today, in Manchester. Yes, India, and Pakistan.

For those old enough to remember the comment (I think it was Enoch Powell?) about supporting the country they live in, well its fair to say today that he’s be rolling in his grave if he saw that, lol! Hated the man intensely, but I thought of it today watching the home fans supporting ‘their’ teams!

Considering that until 1947 they were one country, under British rule, I guess its no surprise that since the separation, the hostility between them has been immense. And the departure of East Pakistan, to become Bangladesh did nothing to quell the storm.

But it shows the difference between fans of various sports. Today, at Old Trafford, 26,000 avid fans of both countries entered the ground together, and could happily sit together to watch the game. Yes, when you think of what that might be like, with football (soccer) fans, I shudder at the thought. And yes, England, and Australia, the same will happen, however much enmity there may be on the ground, in both cases.

One last cricket fact that amused me, and set Twitter on fire. If you play a cricket tournament in England, in May, and June, you have to expect rain at some point. When fans bemoaned the fact their teams game had been called off due to said rain, the Indian fans were just happy to say it was fate, and they had to accept. Then, New Zealand, against India was rained off, and you would have thought it was the end of the world, judging by the Indian fans reactions. So yes, fate, until it affects them, how ironic? But anyway, I’m sure the ICC will ensure they win in the end, lol.

Video time. I wanted something with a sub continent feel to it, but at the same time, very British. Think this qualifies on both fronts?

 

Time for a boob job?

No, I’m not really being serious about cosmetic surgery, though equally, if anyone is offering to pay for a pair for me, lets talk, it might be fun!

As anyone who knows me well, or has read many of these will know, I look like I’ve got a quite decent cleavage. Nothing ridiculous, but not flat chested either. But no, I’ve never had any assistance up top, of the surgery kind, even though I must admit, but for the cost, it might just be fun. Nothing crazy, but a nice pair of B, or C cups, internally, might be fun.

No, what I use too attract the male eye, and it works, is the same sort of prosthesis that women who have had a mastectomy use. Being silicon, they feel about the right weight, they give about the right bounce, and yes, they give me a nice form, and figure, and I suspect, that extra wiggle when walking.

The snag with them is that the covering isnt the most resilient thing in the whole world, so they have to be looked after with a bit of care. Which is one reason I have a foam pair for sleeping in bed. But with reasonable care, and not over stressing them, they last quite well.

Of course, the snag was, when I had the seizures in Blackpool, I was wearing them. Only snag with this was, they left me to sleep on my side, which put pressure on my right breast, and yes, the skin of the breast didnt stand the strain, and began to leak. To be honest, I’d had them a while, so it wasnt the end of the world that I had to buy a new pair as replacements.

Yes, then we had the second bout of seizures, and yes, you’ve guessed it, the same situation has arisen again. The left is fine, the right, not so! Trouble is, when you’ve got less money coming in, these things arent cheaper, even if they’re a lot cheaper than surgery lol!

To be honest, for the last few weeks, I’ve been sort of playing the ‘Catch 22’ scenario, that hopefully gets sorted on Tuesday. If the inevitable happens on Tuesday, then I’ve made the comment that I’m going to complete transition, medical permission granted. And lets face it, those nice female hormones are going to make my ‘boobies’ bigger anyway, I’m sure. But being honest, I’m not likely to start the day after the news is confirmed, though I doubt it will take long to get started, if honest with myself.

So yes, its more the cost, and seizure thing at present. If I buy another (I could just get a right one, I gather), how long to the next seizure? Hopefully never, but realistically…?

I must admit, the other thing that would make an internal boost more fun, is the dresses I could then wear. Currently, I have to be careful with what I wear (and reveal), because however good these prostheses are, they arent a perfect match to flesh. But if I had them internally, oh, couldnt I be ‘naughty’? Ah well…

I suspect, like most things at present, I’m going to wait and see what I’m told on Tuesday, then make a choice. Not the surgery, I’m sure, short of a lottery win, or a wealthy benefactor, but other than that…? But I must admit, one of the things pushing me on to transition is the thought I can wear sexier clothing, as I wont have to worry about revealing cleavage (can enjoy doing so, in fact), or the thing that a women shouldnt have! Yes, naughty girl! I swear its the outrageous actress in me, but besides that…

OK, video time. When I was growing up in the 80’s, there was one pair of boobs that were seemingly more famous than any others. She tried a brief, but unmemorable music career, and this is from that!

 

Funny how brains can be?

Yes, the blog title is rather apt, as its all about mine! Its hard to believe now that just over 13 weeks ago (as clearly the Tuesday incident was first seizure, in hindsight), laugh for me was relatively normal for me, other than a busted back. The irony of that, and the more calamitous ones on the Friday was that I’ve had less literal pain from my back since then, but my mobility has gone to pieces, so I’m assuming that some connection between my brain, and my spine has got disrupted in some way? All the same, despite knowing it was going to be a while before I got to see an expert, due to the speed of things with the NHS, it was still a bit of a blow when I found out it wasnt going to happen to mid June, but yes, we’re almost there.

As, in fact I found out yesterday afternoon, when I was sat quietly on the settee, when the phone rang, which Eric answered. He did something with the dial (yes, its one of those retro phones, compatible with digital system to dial out, and stuff), and then handed me the speaker. It was some automated call from the appointment centre at the hospital, presumably to confirm my appointment a week later. Thing is, despite it doing the equivalent of dialling a 1, to say I was hear, it didnt pick up. Anyway, when it repeated the question to me, I did the same thing, with the same lack of effect. So the call cut off, presumably the equivalent of a ‘no answer’ or something.

I checked the number we were called from, but all I got was an automated voice saying that someone would call me within 24 hours as a repeat. Anyway, just over 24 hours later, no one had, so I tried the number on the appointment letter I got from the hospital, nearly 3 months ago! But it seems to talk to them, I needed a number that wasnt printed on my letter! So anyway, I got frustrated, tried to explain to him, and my voice disintegrated totally. Eventually he gave me a number for the actual hospital, but I couldnt have called them, my voice was blown by then. Yes, another reason I cant go back to work, clearly, one stressful call and my voice would be blown for hours! Not much good in a call centre!

As for next week, I cant deny I’m looking forward to the EEG, MRI and anything else they might throw at me that way for all the wrong reasons! Oh yes, weird things done to my brain, especially involving electrodes and chambers, cant wait! Yes, dont be surprised if I report that I imagined being brainwashed when the electrode cap was on me, and activated, for sure. As for what I might imagine being done to me, in a MRI tube, lets not consider! Sadly, the former is unlikely to brainwash me, and the latter turn me into a mindlessly obedient robot, but nothing’s perfect. Yes, I would love those, lets face it.

I try to wonder what they might find when they do the tests. Are they just going to decide its epilepsy (though the pills certainly didnt stop the later bout of seizures), or will it prove to be something more serious? Who knows, though there isnt a lot I can do, whatever it is. But I have to be honest, setting the steps to find out will be an absolute blessing, and might stop me worrying just how bad it is. The other blessing being, that once I know, I can work out when, or if I can do a few things I really need to sort out. Photo shoot, holiday planning, offering myself for mad scientist research? (I wish!)

I was tempted to ask a Psychic friend if she could tell me what my fate is, but firstly, I cant afford to call her (she’s in US), and secondly, is there a bit of me that really doesnt want to know? Mainly the former, I’m sure.

So no, I wont be there at the first day of Royal Ascot, dressed up in some posh hat and dress (wouldnt that be fun?), I’ll be at a hospital, in Huddersfield, awaiting my fate. Funny what a brain can do to you, lol.

Talking of which, the video. This song is slightly younger than me, but not much, its from 1965! Its why the film, and the song dont match, its a combined mix, thats all. Love, no idea what that is, but I now know how ‘funny’ brains can be!

 

People are strange?

One of the things I find odd about social media comes back to people watching, and who shows an interest in you. On Facebook recently (last month or so), I’ve got dozens of friend requests, that to put it mildly, are out of the ordinary. They’ve been people I havent known before, had no previous contact with, and the only thing I could even see in common with them would be the Transgender thing.

But even then… I quickly put together that the vast majority of these weren’t the sort of Transgender women that actually had anything in common with me. Admittedly it took a few that I acted as a nominal mother hen to, before I got the connection, but then it started to get regular. Many only with few pictures, so actual comments, and indeed some that seems to do nothing but put up adverts for things they seemingly wanted me to buy. The other thing that crept in after the first few (have no idea if this was deliberate or not?) was profiles that made it very clear they were anti men, in all ways. So anyway, after the first dozen or so got friends acceptance, I started getting very careful, and have since rejected far more than I’ve accepted. Given I’ve not bothered to follow the postings of these people, I havent actually got round to unfriending any yet, but maybe…? Hey, I’m bisexual, have nothing against men at all.

But actually, the one who inspired this blog, isnt from Facebook, but Twitter. People follow you there, and short of blocking them, its hard to stop them doing so. Generally if people follow me, I take a look at their recent posts, and make a call on whether to follow back, or not.

A few weeks back, someone started following me, and her profile had enough to tempt me to follow back, even though I didnt know her at all. It would have been an LGBT issue, but now, a few weeks later, I’m not even sure she’s LGBT! In fact, may well be phobic towards us!

A week or so ago, she went into what, shall I call weird mode. Firstly it was rants against a man that was supposedly making contact with her, after they’d broken up, and that she was threatening to report him to the police. His responses to her postings seemed to suggest he was doing nothing of the kind. She then started to attack the police for not acting on her claims any more. I assume (but cant be sure) that even if they did investigate, they came to the conclusion he’d done nothing wrong, but she doesnt want to accept that fact.

Then this morning, among my notifications to deal with, was what I can only described as a typical TERF, anti trans question about my right to a female passport. Not that its any of her business, but I politely explained that I qualified on grounds of length of time living as a woman, hoping that would satisfy her. Nope! Came back saying it shouldnt be allowed pre op, so just as I was about to just give up following her, I read the last line, in which she claimed she wasnt transphobic! When I stopped laughing at that last comment I checked, and yes, she’d already stopped following me, but of course I have no idea when she did so! So yes, I’ve blocked her, just to be safe.

I know, maybe I should feel sorry for her, it might all be a mental health issue, for all I know? But its no one I know, she lives nowhere near me, so what can I do?

I know, the whole world is full of strange people, just wish a few less were attracted to me, but anyway…?

OK, video time. Back to the old system, blog title is same as song title, what can I say?

Another footstep where I once walked

First, lets get the rant out of the way, anyone who cant work out who its about doesnt know me well enough. When the whole purpose of your visit is to pay due, and correct respect to thousands of men who gave their lives for us, so that we might be free, you’d think he would at least make the effort to be at the right place, at the right time, wouldn’t you? No, he was so busy doing a TV interview about himself, not the event, that the remembrance had to be delayed, because he wasnt there. See no name, I’m not going to tag him either, but I hope you all know who!

On the morning of the 6th June, 1944, many thousands of brave young men, of many nations attempted to land on a number of beaches in France. Thats right, the event known as D-Day. Several thousand of them never left those beaches alive, some never even made it that far. Thankfully their efforts were not in vain, and just about 1 year later, WW2 in Europe at least, was over, and supposedly the continent was at peace again, though of course that wasnt really going to be the case for at least 46 years, as the Soviet Union took control of Eastern Europe, and the Cold War began. Even after that point, its fair to say there has never been perfect peace between Russia, and the West, but besides that…

Despite the efforts of one buffoon today, let us never forget their braveness in the deeds they did, on our behalf. Given the state of my health, unlike WW1, I dont expect to be around to see the centenary of this date, for sure.

Right, video time. It is WW2 related, though more Battle of Britain, than D-Day. This is the original video, with a slight remix.