For any ‘snowflakes’ or similarly delicate people reading this, you might want to move on quickly, internal bits issues. All others duly warned, tale of the day.
So yes, I finally was here, the big day when I was going to get a clue about my fate in life. The ‘entertainment’ started early, as I was trying to convince my body to provide the required urine sample. My mixed up plumbing decided it didnt want to play ball, and in trying to push it out, I set off my occasional bowels issue ((blockage), and I just locked up completely for about 50 painful minutes, with nothing coming out either end, though both ends needed to, and I could feel it. Eventually I won on one front, then the sample bottle got filled rapidly an hour or so later, so…
One first today, the use of a blue disabled badge for me, in a parking space. Fine, it was Eric’s, but in truth, but for him having one, I’d probably need one now. Got weighed, 83 kg/ 183 lbs which is a bit higher than it was, but lets face it, I can hardly do much exercise in last 3 months, I’ve hardly got any mobility, but anyway… This does strictly make me slightly overweight by a few pounds, but nothing dramatic (just checked).
Then on to the doctor, and a discussion of things. Thankfully Ella was with me, as I literally remember nothing about any of my seizures, and she at least saw the last one, so was able to give details. The doctor then wanted to test my balance, by walking one foot literally in front of the other, but my balance is wrecked by my damaged knees, so it didnt get far!
The end results. my medication level has been doubled (or will be after transition week), but I was on lowest level up to now, so hopefully not a big thing. I’m also being booked in for an EEG test (to see if they can locate the issue), and then an MRI test (to see if I’ve got a brain. No, seriously, to see if its any more than epilepsy), which should happen over the next 4 weeks or so. Seems it might be related to a fall out of a loft 32 years ago, though not definitely, but it could kick in now, wow! No decision on freedom to fly until after MRI, which makes sense, but will be fine if just epilepsy, which lets hope it is, as crazy as that sounds!
I asked about work, he didnt seem as hot on the ‘never work again’ thing as some, but equally, he was talking about a year or so of recovery, and I am 61, and would then be 62, and would retire at 66, so… Besides which, my voice breaks down under stress, so could hardly do my current job, so I think it almost certainly is it, but again, lets see what the brain scan says. Famous last words… But seriously, given it all, and my lack of mobility, I think retirement on medical grounds is a certainty. In theory, I could do a non phone job, but it takes me a lot longer to do anything, so…nope!
I stated I was Intersex, but didnt ask questions about compatibility between the epilepsy pills, and female hormones. I’ll leave that for my own doctor, lol. But yes, if retired, and allowed, it is a pledge I made, lol.
That, pretty much was it. Collect my new prescription, collected some cash to get my hair done (coloured and cut) on way home. Yes, would love it done this way, but I suspect I will have to settle for modern methods
So no, seemingly I dont get the full robot bodysuit just yet, lol. But yes, I’m looking forward to the EEG, and MRI ‘messing around’ with my mind, all the same. 😉 Yeah, I wish! Mind, if anyone wants to provide me with one, fully interfacing or otherwise…?
Right, video time. What someone might be doing, when it comes to my brain, shortly?
Well, everything permitting, and assuming nothing truly dramatic happens tomorrow, most should be able to work out what the blog after this will be about. In truth its now got to the point where I dont care what they tell me, I just want to hear the news of what it is now. At least then I can make a few plans, regardless.
So lets do something totally different, cricket. If you listened to most people in this country, there is a forthcoming series of matches, that are the all important cricket matches of the summer, The Ashes, England against Australia. And in truth of cricket history, thats probably right. But in terms of a match that easily tops that for competition, both between the players, and the fans, it happened today, in Manchester. Yes, India, and Pakistan.
For those old enough to remember the comment (I think it was Enoch Powell?) about supporting the country they live in, well its fair to say today that he’s be rolling in his grave if he saw that, lol! Hated the man intensely, but I thought of it today watching the home fans supporting ‘their’ teams!
Considering that until 1947 they were one country, under British rule, I guess its no surprise that since the separation, the hostility between them has been immense. And the departure of East Pakistan, to become Bangladesh did nothing to quell the storm.
But it shows the difference between fans of various sports. Today, at Old Trafford, 26,000 avid fans of both countries entered the ground together, and could happily sit together to watch the game. Yes, when you think of what that might be like, with football (soccer) fans, I shudder at the thought. And yes, England, and Australia, the same will happen, however much enmity there may be on the ground, in both cases.
One last cricket fact that amused me, and set Twitter on fire. If you play a cricket tournament in England, in May, and June, you have to expect rain at some point. When fans bemoaned the fact their teams game had been called off due to said rain, the Indian fans were just happy to say it was fate, and they had to accept. Then, New Zealand, against India was rained off, and you would have thought it was the end of the world, judging by the Indian fans reactions. So yes, fate, until it affects them, how ironic? But anyway, I’m sure the ICC will ensure they win in the end, lol.
Video time. I wanted something with a sub continent feel to it, but at the same time, very British. Think this qualifies on both fronts?
No, I’m not really being serious about cosmetic surgery, though equally, if anyone is offering to pay for a pair for me, lets talk, it might be fun!
As anyone who knows me well, or has read many of these will know, I look like I’ve got a quite decent cleavage. Nothing ridiculous, but not flat chested either. But no, I’ve never had any assistance up top, of the surgery kind, even though I must admit, but for the cost, it might just be fun. Nothing crazy, but a nice pair of B, or C cups, internally, might be fun.
No, what I use too attract the male eye, and it works, is the same sort of prosthesis that women who have had a mastectomy use. Being silicon, they feel about the right weight, they give about the right bounce, and yes, they give me a nice form, and figure, and I suspect, that extra wiggle when walking.
The snag with them is that the covering isnt the most resilient thing in the whole world, so they have to be looked after with a bit of care. Which is one reason I have a foam pair for sleeping in bed. But with reasonable care, and not over stressing them, they last quite well.
Of course, the snag was, when I had the seizures in Blackpool, I was wearing them. Only snag with this was, they left me to sleep on my side, which put pressure on my right breast, and yes, the skin of the breast didnt stand the strain, and began to leak. To be honest, I’d had them a while, so it wasnt the end of the world that I had to buy a new pair as replacements.
Yes, then we had the second bout of seizures, and yes, you’ve guessed it, the same situation has arisen again. The left is fine, the right, not so! Trouble is, when you’ve got less money coming in, these things arent cheaper, even if they’re a lot cheaper than surgery lol!
To be honest, for the last few weeks, I’ve been sort of playing the ‘Catch 22’ scenario, that hopefully gets sorted on Tuesday. If the inevitable happens on Tuesday, then I’ve made the comment that I’m going to complete transition, medical permission granted. And lets face it, those nice female hormones are going to make my ‘boobies’ bigger anyway, I’m sure. But being honest, I’m not likely to start the day after the news is confirmed, though I doubt it will take long to get started, if honest with myself.
So yes, its more the cost, and seizure thing at present. If I buy another (I could just get a right one, I gather), how long to the next seizure? Hopefully never, but realistically…?
I must admit, the other thing that would make an internal boost more fun, is the dresses I could then wear. Currently, I have to be careful with what I wear (and reveal), because however good these prostheses are, they arent a perfect match to flesh. But if I had them internally, oh, couldnt I be ‘naughty’? Ah well…
I suspect, like most things at present, I’m going to wait and see what I’m told on Tuesday, then make a choice. Not the surgery, I’m sure, short of a lottery win, or a wealthy benefactor, but other than that…? But I must admit, one of the things pushing me on to transition is the thought I can wear sexier clothing, as I wont have to worry about revealing cleavage (can enjoy doing so, in fact), or the thing that a women shouldnt have! Yes, naughty girl! I swear its the outrageous actress in me, but besides that…
OK, video time. When I was growing up in the 80’s, there was one pair of boobs that were seemingly more famous than any others. She tried a brief, but unmemorable music career, and this is from that!
Yes, the blog title is rather apt, as its all about mine! Its hard to believe now that just over 13 weeks ago (as clearly the Tuesday incident was first seizure, in hindsight), laugh for me was relatively normal for me, other than a busted back. The irony of that, and the more calamitous ones on the Friday was that I’ve had less literal pain from my back since then, but my mobility has gone to pieces, so I’m assuming that some connection between my brain, and my spine has got disrupted in some way? All the same, despite knowing it was going to be a while before I got to see an expert, due to the speed of things with the NHS, it was still a bit of a blow when I found out it wasnt going to happen to mid June, but yes, we’re almost there.
As, in fact I found out yesterday afternoon, when I was sat quietly on the settee, when the phone rang, which Eric answered. He did something with the dial (yes, its one of those retro phones, compatible with digital system to dial out, and stuff), and then handed me the speaker. It was some automated call from the appointment centre at the hospital, presumably to confirm my appointment a week later. Thing is, despite it doing the equivalent of dialling a 1, to say I was hear, it didnt pick up. Anyway, when it repeated the question to me, I did the same thing, with the same lack of effect. So the call cut off, presumably the equivalent of a ‘no answer’ or something.
I checked the number we were called from, but all I got was an automated voice saying that someone would call me within 24 hours as a repeat. Anyway, just over 24 hours later, no one had, so I tried the number on the appointment letter I got from the hospital, nearly 3 months ago! But it seems to talk to them, I needed a number that wasnt printed on my letter! So anyway, I got frustrated, tried to explain to him, and my voice disintegrated totally. Eventually he gave me a number for the actual hospital, but I couldnt have called them, my voice was blown by then. Yes, another reason I cant go back to work, clearly, one stressful call and my voice would be blown for hours! Not much good in a call centre!
As for next week, I cant deny I’m looking forward to the EEG, MRI and anything else they might throw at me that way for all the wrong reasons! Oh yes, weird things done to my brain, especially involving electrodes and chambers, cant wait! Yes, dont be surprised if I report that I imagined being brainwashed when the electrode cap was on me, and activated, for sure. As for what I might imagine being done to me, in a MRI tube, lets not consider! Sadly, the former is unlikely to brainwash me, and the latter turn me into a mindlessly obedient robot, but nothing’s perfect. Yes, I would love those, lets face it.
I try to wonder what they might find when they do the tests. Are they just going to decide its epilepsy (though the pills certainly didnt stop the later bout of seizures), or will it prove to be something more serious? Who knows, though there isnt a lot I can do, whatever it is. But I have to be honest, setting the steps to find out will be an absolute blessing, and might stop me worrying just how bad it is. The other blessing being, that once I know, I can work out when, or if I can do a few things I really need to sort out. Photo shoot, holiday planning, offering myself for mad scientist research? (I wish!)
I was tempted to ask a Psychic friend if she could tell me what my fate is, but firstly, I cant afford to call her (she’s in US), and secondly, is there a bit of me that really doesnt want to know? Mainly the former, I’m sure.
So no, I wont be there at the first day of Royal Ascot, dressed up in some posh hat and dress (wouldnt that be fun?), I’ll be at a hospital, in Huddersfield, awaiting my fate. Funny what a brain can do to you, lol.
Talking of which, the video. This song is slightly younger than me, but not much, its from 1965! Its why the film, and the song dont match, its a combined mix, thats all. Love, no idea what that is, but I now know how ‘funny’ brains can be!
First, lets get the rant out of the way, anyone who cant work out who its about doesnt know me well enough. When the whole purpose of your visit is to pay due, and correct respect to thousands of men who gave their lives for us, so that we might be free, you’d think he would at least make the effort to be at the right place, at the right time, wouldn’t you? No, he was so busy doing a TV interview about himself, not the event, that the remembrance had to be delayed, because he wasnt there. See no name, I’m not going to tag him either, but I hope you all know who!
On the morning of the 6th June, 1944, many thousands of brave young men, of many nations attempted to land on a number of beaches in France. Thats right, the event known as D-Day. Several thousand of them never left those beaches alive, some never even made it that far. Thankfully their efforts were not in vain, and just about 1 year later, WW2 in Europe at least, was over, and supposedly the continent was at peace again, though of course that wasnt really going to be the case for at least 46 years, as the Soviet Union took control of Eastern Europe, and the Cold War began. Even after that point, its fair to say there has never been perfect peace between Russia, and the West, but besides that…
Despite the efforts of one buffoon today, let us never forget their braveness in the deeds they did, on our behalf. Given the state of my health, unlike WW1, I dont expect to be around to see the centenary of this date, for sure.
Right, video time. It is WW2 related, though more Battle of Britain, than D-Day. This is the original video, with a slight remix.
(Disclaimer for those who need it: There is zero evidence that Gertrude Olmstead was bisexual, lesbian, or any other sexual preference except straight, so despite comments here, her honour should be treated accordingly. Indeed she was married happily for 42 years, until her husband passed away. However, she seems to have had more than a few shots taken, gender cross style, so who knows?)
As someone who (all too often) went out on dates as a man, for obvious reasons at the time, I do think its a bit of a shame that I’ve never got to do a proper date as a woman. Clearly I’ve done group meals as a woman, and indeed had a few dinners alone with Eric, but nothing in a romantic sense, though some of the restaurants might have thought otherwise. No, I’ve never done an actual date with a woman, as a woman, now that might be fun too!
But how about the ultimate in amusement, a date, me dressed utterly feminine, and a woman, dressed in a more male style? Therefore, when I saw these two pictures of said lady, Gertrude Olmstead, on one of the vintage Facebook groups recently, it did amuse me that I fancied her in both styles
Twist my arm, an all girl date would be heaven. But seriously, her dressed like that, as a man, oh goodness, I could easily swoon in his arms, and let ‘him’ have ‘his’ wicked way with me! As I say, checking her out on Google images, this is far from her only ‘boyish’ image, but its wrong for me to suggest anything more than for film roles, or promotion shots?
But fine (she died in 1975, aged 77), post my SRS surgery, her with a strap on, I could just be in heaven! Is it silly to want to have sex with a woman dressed as a man that way? Oh, and I’ve found an earlier shot of Gertrude, where I could very happily swap places with her!
I know, you could soon get your arms out of there, but I doubt I’d want to, given its Lon Chaney threatening to do something evil to her, back in 1925!
So yes, RIP Gertrude Olmstead (1897-1975), and please forgive me this little piece of wishful thinking. But yes, take it from me, you have the style to look gorgeous as both a woman, and a man!
The video, another woman that seemingly I could fancy as a woman, and with the right, minimal makeover, as a man, Laura Branigan. Apt title, lol!
Yes, today marks the start of Pride Month, hence the blog. No, you really dont need to become LGBT unless you really want to, and feel its the right thing for you to do. I mean, if you want me to arrange a session of mind control, so you dont feel guilty about being bi, or whatever, let me know. But you know what they say about not being against something until you’ve tried it? OK, kidding, really. And yes, I know, I left I off the list, but I’m trying to keep it simple, what can I say?
Lets solve one basic question which I’ve actually already been asked today.
Why does there need to be a Pride Month
In truth, I really wish we didnt need there to be a Pride Month, because by now, it really ought to be a case of, You’re gay/lesbian/trans/mermaid/ fairy (I might have slipped some fun ones in there, to see if you’re awake), so what? Because, yes, that really should be the reaction to that news.
Sadly, as most of my readers should already know, its not as easy as all that, or we (hopefully) wouldnt still be needing to celebrate Pride Month. But I suspect that until we reach that laid back state (if ever), we’re going to need to stand up for our cause.
And now lets go with the question I wish I could answer positively
Do all LGBT folk get on well with each other
I only wish. Though the mermaids, and fairy’s seem a friendly bunch, though in the case of the latter, the wings can be a pain. Yes, joking again, to see if you’re still with me. Both sort of relate to me!
The first big issue is we folk who prefer to keep our options open, by declaring ourselves as bisexuals. You know, we can fancy the ladies (my main preference), and the guys (some rock my boat, what can I say?), all to varying degrees on the scale from 99/1 to pure 50/50, and anywhere in between. I’d say I’m somewhere between 80/20 to 95/5, but it shouldnt matter. Only thing is, there is a group of lesbians who swear off bi girls, because we might have, or might in the future go with a guy, as well as girls, and taint them. Seriously, since when did fancying guys become infectious?
Oh, and the other one affects my other self, regardless of whether you call me Transgender (declared), or Intersex (reality). A group of Lesbians (very similar bunch to above) say that unless you’re born a woman, it doesnt matter what you do, you’re a man. Yes, all the regulations, get your surgery done, get your paperwork all changed over, you’re still a man. I mean, I think its crazy enough that women like me, who have lived as a woman for 10 years, but havent yet got our ‘bits bobbed’ dont qualify as a woman is stupid enough, but I suppose there is the thing of male bits in a female toilet, but seriously, mine havent worked that way for years! But when you’ve had everything done, legally, and surgically, but you’re still a man, seriously?
Oh, but dont mention the concept of Trans Men to them, as then using a ladies facility, heavens no! Yes, you’ve got it, they’re men too! But…they were born a woman, with woman bits, and…
So yes, as well as having to deal with all those folk who think LGBTI+ folk are something spawned by the Devil (we’re not, honest), we’re having fights between ourselves too. Yes, I believe firmly that everyone is entitled to be which ever gender they want to be, and have whatever sexual preferences they wish for, but anyway…
Oh, and yes, if anyone wants to buy me a mermaid tail, or fairy wings, well…? 😉
I hereby promise to try not to overdo Pride related matters this month, but thats mainly because if I need to mention it again, it will probably be for the wrong reasons. I’m sorry, but this year, I’m going to have to pass on doing anything speech wise, for health reasons, I just dont think the brain is up to it at present. Not that it was likely to happen, but I’ve always offered it, but not this year, sorry. Hopefully the offer will be back next year, but thats subject to the brain functioning decently again.
OK, video time. I’ve always wanted to use this song, and now I’ve found a way. Oh, yes, I would love one of those gold, or silver outfits at the start, oh please. I’m not saying any of the ladies are L, or B, but I could hope. As to the guys, none being G, or B, well…lol?
No, hopefully not me going, literally, but yesterday, I took note that the countdown to my neurologist appointment (at long last) was down to 3 weeks to go. In a sense, I’m slightly nervous about what they might find, especially since the recent repeat bout of seizures, but at the same time, I’ll be so glad to know what it is, or at least, hopefully find out what the problem is. I’ll be honest, if its something that means my time is nearly up, then so be it, though that might leave me with one interesting decision to make, but more on that shortly. Of course, it might be that whatever it is, with the meds I’m already on, and maybe something else can keep it all under control, then great. But I must admit, the wait to find out has been pretty agonising, for sure.
I must admit, I knew what the NHS was like, and that means I’m not totally surprised that its taken 3 months from the initial seizures, to get them even looked into, let alone any action taken. Its supposedly free, but in truth, we pay for it with deductions from our wages, but at least we dont have to pay crazy sums to get things to happen, on top of that. Yes, USA, I’m looking at you again. Again, today, I’ve had a friend over there surprised at how long this is all taking for even the first step, and I had to smile. As I pointed out to him, if I had the money to pay for the neurologist, the MRI, the EEG, and heaven knows what else private patients might get thrown at them here, or that you, or your insurance company gets billed for, this would have been looked into, soon after the initial seizures. But it isnt, so…what will be, will be, and no, that isnt the video! I suppose that unless its something that is ‘bad’ by the time it get looks at, that wouldnt have been ‘bad’ in March, does it matter? Well, beyond my worry about it all, probably not.
But yes, lets face it, absolutely, I’m thoroughly looking forward to having my brain wired up to an EEG, and granted, the MRI will be an interesting experience, thats for sure. Fine, its not going to actually do anything interesting to my brain, but a girl can dream. Going to be fun getting my earrings out for the MRI, as they have been in for years, so removing them might be a challenge.
Given the number of medical people who have told me I wont be working again, I’m assuming something is faulty enough to make that a foregone conclusion, when checked over. I dont know if the fact if I’m only 5 years from retirement anyway plays a part in that, in that its not working the challenge, or whether it would be the same if it had happened at 31, and I doubt they will answer that! But yes, hopefully 3 weeks from now it will all be confirmed, and I can stop worrying about it. In truth, yes, the brain is ‘busted’, its not going to work normally again, of that I’m sure. Even on a good day, I cant talk well for long, and on a bad day, dont ask! Besides that, my mobility is now rubbish, about 1000 yards/metres on a good day is about it, and on a bad day, nearly 100, if I’m lucky! So walking for buses/to work, and doing strings of phone calls, no chance!
The other interesting thing over all this, is a pledge I made a while back, which I assumed I wouldnt be thinking about for at least another 5 years, but seemingly… I stated that once I retired, all things permitting, I’d complete transition, most notably getting my bits bobbed, girl style! Yes, I’ve already been reminded about this, lol. In truth, I have no idea that the hormones and other stuff I would need to do (including the surgery) will be compatible with what I will need to take for the brain, but yes, I plan to find out, once confirmed. Yes, I really will! As I said to someone today, it will be nice not to have to worry about what I wear after surgery, in the sense of concealing bits, and being able to flash boobage, because it will all be natural. No, I dont think latex will be in my wardrobe (sadly), but more clinging, and revealing dresses, just maybe…? 😉
But yes, whatever the news, whatever the decision, I’ll just be glad when I have it all checked out, and confirmed. Less than 3 weeks now, I hope!
OK, video time. Feeling wicked, as per the first half of the blog title. Yes, I know the quality isnt great, but its so rare to find Manfred Mann actually singing live, I thought, what the hell, and went with it. Its not hard to find a non live version on You Tube, if preferred.
Apart from the ‘traditional’ bank holiday events, its a fact that Bank Holidays here in the UK, and those in the US dont tend to coincide. Today, they did. Oh, and to mark a previous recent blog, this is the last day before I’m officially back on medical leave again, lol. Over here, its just called a Spring Bank Holiday, in the US, its called Memorial Day, when (in theory at least nowadays) they remember all the brave people that have died over the years in various wars. We seem to save all that for Remembrance Sunday in November, because of course its against the end of WW1, on November 11, though most remembrances happen on the closest Sunday to that date now.
Equally, Memorial Day used to (according to Wiki) always be celebrated on May 30, but now, for convenience, happens on the last Monday in May, the same date as our Spring Bank Holiday.
The depressing fact, do you have any idea how many years that the US has been at peace since inception in 1776? A meagre 17! So its fair to assume they have plenty of need for Memorials to be remembered! To be fair, a few of those were for the 2 World Wars, but altogether… Oh, and a few of those were of course an in house war!
So during that long period of time, plenty of brave men, and in more recent times, women, have died in the name of war. Today, in the US at least, is the day designated to remember them. In this country, the weekend seems to have been a bit of a political war, seemingly won by very few, if any.
Let us also remember all the folk everywhere who have had to work today, on a Bank Holiday. I know, not the same thing as giving your life, but as I know from so much of my working life, the talk about weekends, and bank holidays off are a misnomer for some.
But yes, US readers (and the stats tell me I have plenty), take a few minutes today to remember those that gave their lives in defence of yours.
The video choice is a weird one, but if you think about, its a title thats probably apt for all those that went into battle. There is also the fact that some car company are using it in ads over here at present. Oh, and fine, yes I’d love to be turned into a mannequin for a role, just saying…