Category Archives: Seekers

They think its all over, it really is now!

Though that will lead you completely down the wrong track for the video lol! But yes, you’re right, the other blog wont have this line, because that will be the title there.

Yesterday, as planned, I headed for Glendale, and Forest Lawn, to properly say goodbye to Jean. Well, fine, I’ve done it again today, at a couple of landmarks, but thats where she’s at rest, so… OK, fine, it didnt go as planned.

When I got to Forest Lawn, there was a very large poster announcing a display at the museum, dedicated to leading ladies, both real, and fantasy. So yes, under the circumstances, I had to go find that. No, I never did, actually finding the museum there took me a long way out of my way, and I still never found it. So I have no idea whether Jean was featured there or not! Snag is, after that, Forest Lawn is huge, and I got thoroughly lost, trying to find the mausoleum again. In the end, I got back to the entrance, and started again. Oh, did I mention, it was hot yesterday, there isnt a lot of shade in that place, and I was wilting. But second time up the hill, I just turned in the right direction, and found her. Well, sort of.

Unlike April, the person on the gate at the mausoleum was one of those I’d heard bad things about. Very ‘Mr Jobsworth’, I could go in, for the exhibition there, and that was it. Fine, I ignored him, headed once out of sight for where Jean Rests, but this time the gate was across, and it wasnt moving, even if I had been tempted to flout the rules. So I spent a few minutes ‘talking’ to her at a distance, and that was it. Nothing like the 40 minutes or more I spent with her in April!

Ah well, its what I’d heard of Forest Lawn, so…

Then to today. Firstly to Mel’s Diner for a good lunch, a wonderful 50’s style place, and yes, that had been my last meal plan pretty much since I got here. Then a bit of needed souvenir shopping, and one last walk down Hollywood Boulevard. The most remarkable thing at this point was that, back in April, I was up at La Brea, and one wonderful gentleman (trying to get people on Hollywood tours) would talk to the “English lady” every time I saw him. Yes, even after I did the tour, and he knew I wasnt going to do it again. Yes, he remembered me, from 6 months ago, seriously! So we chatted for a few minutes (yes, he asked me if I wanted to do the tour again) before parting. This time, I’m sure it really was for the last time.

Oh, in between, I stood and paid tribute again to Jean, at her star, though not for long, as I knew where the special moment would be. Yes, the hand, and foot prints at the Chinese Theatre. After several minutes just talking to ‘her’, I put my hands in hers, and felt something. Now that could just be because I was bent over a long way, and my chest doesnt like me doing that! But then, when I put my feet on top of hers, I felt it again! OK, that all did nothing for my emotional state, I must say. Finally, finally, I decided I needed to walk away, and I guess I will never stand there again.

An ice cream later, I headed back to Hollywood Boulevard, with the plan of getting the train down to Vine, getting the bus home, and that would be it. The emotions of leaving this place behind were already getting to me, so it seemed wise. So fine, I walked down instead! I even found a few shops selling memento Hollywood Stars, but none of Jean, anywhere. Then just before I reached Vine, I found a shop selling Hollywood stars, you could put a name on, so crazily I bought one. No, it wont be my name, or Jean’s going on it. Lets just say, that for those who have been around a while, you’ll understand when I say that Clara Johnson (my past life self) is going to get that Hollywood star she never got! Maybe because she never made it as a star, but… And no, annoyingly, I still havent discovered her married name, to discover where she rests!

Fine, then home on the bus, for the last time, heading up Beachwood, looking at that famous Hollywood sign. I might get a glance of it in the morning, but that pretty much was it. And yes, the emotions hit me hard, I did come home and cry for a few minutes, knowing it was all over, and I will never be here again after tomorrow. Fine, I suppose I might be, but I cant see it.

Yes, I’m pretty much packed. One or two items I need in the morning, one or two clothing items, as I havent yet chosen what I’m wearing for the trip home, but thats it. Apart from the stuff I need in the morning, it will all be packed before I go to bed tonight anyway, which wont be late! I guess I need to be up about 6, as I will be leaving here about 7.45, and need to be ready to go when the shuttle gets here.

So yes, the carnival really is over now. And yes, that is a clue to the video! I have actually chased up a few leads by email today, and I have applied for a few in the last couple of day too, so back to that grindstone. Mind, I got rejected for one of those in 21 minutes! Not a perfect match, but not awful either, ah well…

Lastly, the video. Yes, you’ve seen the clue. Its a live version from 1993.

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I wish it didn’t matter anymore

Yes, I assume the Brit’s here at least have heard the news today, that the Olympic diver, Tom Daley has come out as gay, and is very happy with his male partner. I wish them both the very best, but thats not the point of this blog.

Seriously, I saw the 6 o’clock news on the BBC tonight, and you would think that this was some sensational news, and that the BBC didnt even realise there was such a thing as a gay relationship. Oh hang on, this is the Beeb I’m talking about, so maybe they dont?…rolls eyes!

Fine, I know, Daley has made publicity about this for himself, by posting it on Twitter, and other places probably, but in all honesty, he shouldnt have to, and I gather that most of this relates to our ‘wonderful’ press making all the fuss about this in the first place. So fine, its not just the Beeb, it seems to be the media as a whole that cant get its head around the idea that not every relationship in this world is going to be purely hetro, and purely vanilla. To them I say, get a life!

No, I dont expect everyone in the world to happily embrace the whole LGBT scene, that would be far too much. And no, I dont even mind (to a slight degree) the BBC making this a news item, I just wish they wouldnt put it out as shocked sensationalism that he has come out in this way. I certainly cant wildly imagine that certain people will ever except transgender in the same way, we dont seem to develop the same cool factor in any way that the L’s and G’s do, ah well…

Its actually fair to say that according to reputation, sport, and LGBT have a shocking relationship. And in many cases, they’re right. Soccer has a dark past in this issue, and as for the ‘big 4’ sports in the US, dont even go there, as far as players go. To be fair, as far as cricket is concerned, I can only comment on my perspective as I see it through one team, that is the Ireland cricket set up. From them, brilliant, absolutely brilliant.

No, I dont know of any gay players in Irish cricket, though I’m sure there must be some, somewhere at club level at least. And hopefully, they arent afraid to be out (ghastly word, btw) to their team mates, if they are. But what I look at, is the way that I, as a transgendered female, get treated by the players, and management of the team, those I have had contact with at least. As you might have gathered from above, its better than I could have wildly hoped for. It makes me so proud to be a supporter of such a wonderful group of guys.

As I say, one day, hopefully in the not too distant future, an announcement like the one made by Daley today, will simply be met with a shrug of the shoulder, and the comment, so what. But for now…

The video. Well yes, I wanted to find a Buddy Holly live version, but with all things, it couldnt be done. So I found a video performance by one of my favourite groups instead.

Colours Of My Life

I guess many would say that nowadays they are pink (obvious) and rainbow (lgbt) lol. Oh my, havent things changed. And in all honesty, you dont even have to go back that far to notice the changes, less than a year in fact. To be honest, I had to check back on my blogs to prove to myself that I have only had ‘a decent cleavage’ for about a year! Nowadays, I couldnt imagine life without them to be honest. The other physical change I really notice, and this is purely natural, is where my waist has gone, and where did those hips appear from? And thats all just a natural hormonal change, though whether hypnosis played a part in convincing them to change, I have no idea?

But anyway, a snap of me at work at the start of last year, and now, might look a bit different lol, especially on the chest front. Hair, funnily enough is slightly shorter now than then, but thats because of the bob hairstyle, though thats getting back to neck length now, Brooksie would be ashamed of me, but even so, I’m not going that short, but probably ought to get it trimmed a bit all the same. Mind, her ghost would probably tell me I should go dark haired too, but I know at least one who has threatened to kill if I change from blonde, so…do wonder if I should get it coloured properly, rather than highlights, but I think thats where the changes will stop.

Clothing wise, oh my! A year ago I wouldnt have considered going out in anything more radical than womens trousers, but look at me now! Not just once have I worn a dress to a meal out, I’ve done it twice! And somehow I suspect, given there is another birthday dinner this weekend, I will probably be expected to do the same again! I was always planning to wear a skirt for that (as I did for Christmas Dinner), but I’m not sure if that will be enough now. If I do, it might be a different one, though ironically now I own a pair of gold heels…but 3 meals in a row, surely not the done thing, darlings lol? Oh yes, I’ve also worn a skirt to the theatre, a different skirt to work, and heels (wedge) on all those occasions, so…And yes, when the weather improves, I’ll certainly wear those 2 pairs of shoes to work, and skirts as well in all likelihood.

Attitude, well, I’ve always been a woman, darlings, just took a while to take it as far as I should have done years ago! So no, apart from being more forceful about the whole thing, no changes there, thats for sure. Funny thing is, I’m realising just how few people left at work ever knew me as a man! I have noticed I’m getting more annoyed if they do refer to me as he, and certainly I get annoyed, but tend to keep my mouth shut when others do it. I used to get by with it, but now…not so much!

Just makes me wonder where I will be when typing this up one year from now, doesnt it. No, I dont think it will be dresses for work, but thats more because no one wears a dress to work, than anything else I suspect! No major high heels either, but that is always going to be a physical issue with my knees as anything else. Would I otherwise, hmm…? About the one thing I can promise, I wont get pregnant! I might have an undeveloped womb, but I’m ‘through the change’ by now age wise besides. Also, that does require sexual intercourse, and I’m still not interested lol!

Right, the video. Its an old enough song that most may not know it, though this live version is a mere 20 years old, the song is nearer 50! Enjoy, I hope.